There is something that clicks in your brain when you are told that your mom is dying. I don’t know how to explain the feeling other than a mixture of adrenaline, fear, despair and a weird calmness that feels more like emptiness. On October 31, of this year my mom found out the pain in her back is cancer. There are 4 tumors total, all small in size but in different areas. She is weak and constantly in pain. I have been camped out at the hospital in-between work. Apparently the cancer is aggressive and it’s stage 4. Why the fuck did this happen? I felt angry and cried for three days straight. The thing is, this cancer is not mine, it is my mom’s and I am already mourning her as if she is gone. This is not the way to be…EVER.
The doctors can’t identify the point of origin from where the cancer is coming from. First they will treat the tumors in her back which are approximately 3cm with radiation-that begins Monday-then comes Chemotherapy. Prayer helps, although I have to admit, I was mad as hell at God. I thought how the hell could he let this happen? Why my mom? Why any one’s mom? She has literally sacrificed her entire life for the sake of my siblings, and myself. Constantly helping us through every damn thing. Helping my grandmother, aunt and uncles whenever they needed her, and this is how she is rewarded…with fucking cancer?! I am sure God hears these words said by millions of people when it comes to cancer. It’s an epidemic here in the United States, and I know God didn’t “let” this happen. He does not want my mom or anyone else with this disease to suffer, or even be infected with it. I apologized to God, it was my anger, and fear that got to me. I took it out on him.