Today my girlfriend and I spoke for over an hour about our dating experiences and issues both good, and bad. She was upset as she complained about her ex recently committing to a new relationship, and asked me why he could so easily commit to the new woman in his life, but could never fully commit to her. I explained to her it is because she is the “In-Between Girl”. What is the in-between girl you ponder?

Let me break it down for you. As you know the girl a guy doesn’t really care about but runs to when he is lonely is known as the “back-up girl”. Then, there is the girl the guy cheats with known as the “side-chick girl”. Well, ladies and gentlemen there is a phenomenon that has been occurring for years, in which, a guy dates a girl, but does not want to fully commit to her, and does not want her to commit to anyone else, and this is the “In-Between girl”. While dating the in-between girl a man behaves as her boyfriend, but refuses to actually refer to her as his girlfriend…Sound familiar?

So, let’s say you meet a great guy online, or at a bar. You go on dates, talk on the phone, he introduces you to his friends and vice-versa. You are sleeping together and spending most of your time together, may even spend a holiday or birthday together, but he has yet to refer to you as his girlfriend, or fully commit to being in a relationship with you. Now you as a woman say to yourself, ‘Self this is okay…you’ve met his friends, he took you to dinner for your birthday, and you spend your weekends with him…you are his girlfriend, you don’t need a title.’ Really? You don’t need a title? Everyone has a title honey. Your boss is your boss, your best friend is your best friend, your mom is your mom, and your boyfriend is in fact…your boyfriend.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying a man has to ask you to be his girlfriend a’la 4th grade style. Although on a side note I do miss the days of receiving a note asking, ‘Do you like me? Check yes or no.’ But I digress. A man is a hunter by nature and will always go after what he really wants, and claim it, and yes that includes you. If he really wants you exclusively in every way then he will verbalize that to you. I do not care if you have met all five of his kids, his great grandma Dorothy, his godson Paul, or his best friend Roman. Unless a man has a conversation with you, and you both discuss committing to each other in a monogamous relationship, then guess what boo, he is not your man. You are his in-between girl, and it will end, and he will commit to the next girl for the long haul, because he “trained” with you. Don’t believe me if you want to, but the truth hurts sometimes.

One of my exes, Mr. Baseball, and I dated for about six months before I began to ask what we were to each other. And he told me he could not commit, and was not ready. We continued to date casually and eventually broke up because I did not want to continue to be in limbo about what we were. Well, not only did he start dating someone he had known previously, but he has been with her for almost seven years! I treated him like my boyfriend. Spent my free time with him, brought him to my house, he met my friends, and vice-versa, but he never verbally committed to me.

When he told me he was going out of town with his family for Thanksgiving and I just happen to see him drive up to his home, and he and a girl get out of the car…well, then what could I say or do? Just because we behaved liked a couple did not mean we actually were one. And it was not his fault. It was mine because I made him my boyfriend, he didn’t. Think about that. How many times have you made the same mistake then wonder why he is seeing someone else, or breaks things off with you all of a sudden. It is because he never had any intention of committing to you in the first place, but you treated him as if he had, and primed him for the next woman. The next woman that he will in fact commit to. Congrats, you taught him well.

I told my girlfriend a story about how I was on a date with a man that literally kept our waiter at our table for almost ten minutes because he could not decide what type of drink he wanted. Now this may seem small to you, but to me it was a red flag. Let me explain why…He could not make a basic decision in a timely matter. I mean, come on, ten minutes to pick a drink?! If he was unable to make a simple decision like that in a clear matter without changing his mind a million times, then how could he ever make a decision about us? We, meaning women and men, do not ask the right questions.

On a first date we should be asking, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Yeah, I know you’re thinking that sounds like a job interview question, but guess what…relationships are work! If a man or woman can answer said question with a description of their wants, goals they hope to accomplish, or a plan for their life, then that means they have the ability to commit. And if they answer with an ‘I don’t know, or I don’t really think that far ahead, or I am not a planner’ then they are unable to commit, and if you want a commitment, this is not the person for you. Think about it this way…if you were a CEO and looking to hire a new employee would you want answer number one or answer number two? Stop dating Mr. or Mrs. Indecisive, and do not be afraid to ask the questions you need answers to. How else will you ever get what you want?

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