Tag: love

FIRST DATES & A LACK OF SELF AWARENESS

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Going on a first date after a dating hiatus is extremely nerve wracking. Little did I know that what I was wearing or how good my hair looked would not matter whatsoever in the first dates aftermath. What did end up mattering was a complete lack of self awareness on my part shown in the days after our date. That lack of self awareness ended up leading to a breakthrough in therapy, life and myself.

This was my first date with a handsome man I met a week prior while out with a friend. He and I made eye contact pretty quickly, and ended up in conversation later on in the evening for over an hour. We exchanged numbers, and not social media (I take no one seriously that asks for my socials instead of my number) and texted each other after we both made it home. Nothing outrageous at all, just the normal, it was great to meet you type texts. The next day, he texted letting me know that he would love to take me out and we went back and forth for a few days about our availability.

The date was set for the following week, and immediately my defensive walls went up without me realizing it. When he hadn’t texted me for a few days, I felt rejected and a bit upset. My thinking was, if he were truly interested, he would make more of an effort. I spoke to my married couple friends about it and explained the text exchanges between us. They called me out instantly! How dare them! Turns out they were right. My responses to him did come across as defensive, like I was writing him off. They told me to send a new text with days I was available for our date. I did just that, and he responded with a well planned date. Meanwhile, my wall of defense was still underneath the surface, rearing its ugly head, and rising like a phoenix from the ashes.

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Stop Asking Women Why We’re, “Still Single”

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I am so over this dumbass question. Thoroughly sick and tired of having to defend myself against an McCarthy like era interrogation into discovering the reasons why I’m still single. Its offensive and just plain ridiculous…also, in most cases, its filled with judgment and makes me want to punch you in the throat. The question is almost always posed as though there must be something wrong with me if at 37yrs old, I am single, never married and have no children. Why is it that as a woman I must be damaged, too picky, hard to deal with, crazy or super selfish, and George Clooney who remained a playboy bachelor until his 50’s, is considered an intelligent hero for taking his time to settle down?

Yes, I am thirty-seven. No, I have never been married or plan to have children anytime soon. I have been single for over ten years, and no I do not feel like I am missing out on anything, or that I am running out of time. There is no need for me to put out a billboard on the street searching for my new man, and no, I don’t think I am being selfish. My career comes first, and I am truly okay with that. Am I worried that I will not be able to get pregnant later in life? Nope. If I end up married someday and decide to have children, but can’t get pregnant, then I will adopt or use a surrogate. Do these issues play in my mind daily…not at all.  Continue reading →

Failure & Success: Letting Go of Fear

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letting go of fear

As a weirdo kid, I was obsessed with horror films. My mom and I would bond over our shared love of horror and fright fest. My mom introduced me to the horror genre at a young age, and I fell in love. There was this movie I thought was ridiculous, ‘Killer Clowns from Outer Space’ but I watched it anyway. After all, by junior high, I’d become a pro at watching and living through horror films without fear. No monster had ever gotten me, and Freddy Krueger wasn’t slashing through my pillows, so why not watch this b-movie and laugh right? Wrong.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that clowns are inherently creepy (don’t fight me on this because they are), or that I watched it alone,  or maybe even the thought that on some level alien clowns with sharp teeth really were going to come down from the sky and kill me, but this movie scared the sh*t out of me. Anyway, I watched it and re-watched it one million times, and to this day, I am still creeped out by clowns. Like, when I see one, I naturally want to kick him in the balls and run away. There are so many things we have conditioned ourselves to fear in life, and although I could probably write an entire dissertation on my very rational fear of clowns, this post is about the fear we have such a hard time letting go of; the fear of Failure and Success.

Trying to succeed as a writer/actor/producer in LA is unbelievably hard. Everyday, I am rejected, ignored, passed over and left wondering why the hell I even chose this route in life. The talent is God given, and  while I know it’s there, getting the right people to notice me is difficult. Outside of submitting headshots, creating my own content, struggling to get auditions, and watching less qualified people succeed based on who they know or how they look, there are also one gazillion women trying to land in the same sweet spot as I am…and that is daunting. Continue reading →

Dear Future Boyfriend: I Will Disappoint You

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Dear Future Boyfriend,I Will Disappoint You

This May marks the eighth year of my singledom status. Last week, I spoke on a panel about dating and relationships, and there was a moment when I was asked what I’ve learned along the way as a single woman. Without hesitation, I knew what my answer would be:

Me: “I had to grow and realize how dope, and powerful I am. Before I realized just how amazing I am, my self worth and confidence was wrapped up in someone else. I am responsible for my happiness, not the men in my life. It is my job to love myself, and not depend on someone else to make me feel good about me. You must become who you want to attract.”

Dope right? I said a lot more cool things, people clapped and nodded their heads. You know people get you when they nod their heads while clapping. So, if I am so dope, and know what I want in my future boo…why do I think I’ll disappoint him? Well, let’s get one thing straight, I don’t think I’ll disappoint him…I know. Continue reading →

How My Co-Worker Single Shamed Me

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single shamed

Apparently single-shaming is an epidemic, and I have become its latest victim. At work, while discussing random mundane things with a co-worker I am not really friends with. You know that co-worker that always has something to say and you just pretend type on your computer while they stand at your desk yammering, in hopes that they’ll go away…that co-worker. During the one-sided chat, the topic of money jumped into the conversation, which went a little something like this: 

Me: I usually work 2 jobs.
Co-Worker: Well yah, you’re SINGLE.
Me: That’s not why. My work ethic-
Her: My husband makes good money and I don’t have to worry about that.
I don’t have to worry about whether there is enough.

I guess being single equates to being a broke, lonely loser. Women are shamed for being single, while men are praised for it. I’m a lonely loser for being single, but a man my exact age, is a “player”. And the fact that I work, sometimes two jobs, and live on my own, pay all of my own bills, and am independent, means nothing because at thirty-six years old…I am single…and a loser, according to her. Continue reading →

36 Life & Love Lessons

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In a few days I will be 36 years old, which is insane. Instead of a boring post where I complain about getting older and how I kept grabbing at a piece of lint in my hair, but it wasn’t a piece of lint, it was a gray hair, I thought I’d keep it all fun and positive. Besides, I have learned a lot of love and life lessons along the way, you know, since my dating type is usually: douchebag. Love is the most amazing emotion in the world and we all want it, have it to give and need it, so here are 36 Love/Life Lessons I have learned through many doses of trial and error, blatant foolery, refusing to acknowledge the red flags, and by just saying, “screw it” and having fun. Enjoy!

1) No, I Do Not Want To “Hang Out” With You: Listen bro, you’re going to have to actually ask me on a date, or just go away. I can “hang out” by myself, gorging on cookies and watching Netfilix on my own. Our first date, needs to be an actual date.

2) He Doesn’t Want You: He has not been in an accident. Nor has he been captured by aliens. He has not been hit while riding his bike and is trapped in a ditch,  or too busy at work or school for you…he is just not into you. Let it go.

3) Put Down Your Phone & Talk, Face-To-Face: Remember when you’d meet someone and talk to them? Or, go for a drink, and actually not put your phone out on the table next to your dinnerware? Let’s bring that back yo.

4) Stop Talking Sh*t About Your Body, You’re Stunning: You know that having fat on your body is totally normal right? So are stretch marks, cellulite, and a regular sized ass. Stop putting yourself down! There is someone out there right now wishing for what you have. And if you’re like me and obsess way too much about making sure you always fit into your skinny jeans…then, workout, eat right, throw lots of cheat days in there, and be happy.

5) It Is Your Absolute Right to Have Wine & Chocolate for Dinner: This rule pretty much piggy backs on rule number 4. There is no reason to live life on a perpetual diet. Seriously, I am an actor and yes, looks play a big part in things, but so does my happiness, emotional and mental well being, and dammit, if I don’t have my wine, chocolate and pizza…momma ain’t happy yo. Everything in moderation of course, but I have my “Fu*k It” days when I forgo any cares and literally drink wine and eat chocolate for dinner. Try it, I swear you’ll be happier.

6) My Life is Dope, and I Do Dope Shi*t: Okay, listen up…I mean, read this, and pay attention because this is a huge lesson we all have to learn: WE ARE DOPE. Seriously, there is no one else in the world who is you, but you. Your life matters and even though it may not be exactly all that you want or hoped for…do what you can with what you have. Live your dreams and if you can’t live them right now to their fullest capacity, that’s fine, make moves to get yourself there. You are dope and capable of doing dope sh*t.

7) You Deserve To Be Loved Fully: Do you know what it means to be loved fully? When you are loved fully, you don’t have to question whether or not he/she loves you. This does not mean the relationship is perfect, because there’s not such thing. What it means is that you are deserving of love, phone calls, flowers just because, date nights, spooning, incredible sex, laughter, comfortable silences and all that love brings. You are deserving of a love that does not leave you wondering.

8) Absolutely No Complaining: This one is so hard, but changing this aspect of your life will literally change your mindset. Now I’m not saying that there are never valid reasons to complain because when I saw those gray hairs I cursed the hair gods, but keeping ourselves in a constant state of complaining will keep our lives stagnant. Stop complaining about dumb sh*t.

9) It’s Okay To Say No: Why do we always say yes to things we either don’t want to do, or know we have absolutely no intention of doing. For example, I don’t want to go to your kids birthday party because I hate kids birthday parties, so why am I telling you that I’ll try to make it? Because of a weird fear of telling you no, and looking like the bad guy. Well, I’m not going, and don’t want to go. That doesn’t make me a bad guy, it makes me honest. Just say no…you don’t have to show up to every function, respond to that person who’s interested in you, or go on another bad date out of fear of looking like a jerk.

10) Stop Giving Your Energy To People Who Don’t Value You: Stop wasting so much of your precious energy on people that don’t care about you or your well being. Why are you even discussing these people and thinking about them at night, ruining your sleep patterns and nights? This girl posted something about me on Facebook a few years ago, and at one point I was her friend, so I was upset by it, and literally let it consume me. I thought about whether everyone else from the high school crowd would believe her BS. You guys, I have lived life this way, constantly focusing my energy on people and circumstances that don’t matter. When you stop giving your valuable energy away to people whether they be an ex, current boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, co-worker, that does not value you, your life will change. Give your energy to those that cherish and encourage you, not tear you down. Continue reading →

Have You Ever Been Ghosted?

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Remember that time when you find out Santa Claus wasn’t real and, even though you may have already suspected it in your heart, you were still hurt? You just saw the world and everyone in it a little differently, right? Or, am I being super melodramatic? I remember it like it was yesterday…cue violin…my sister and I stayed up all night Christmas Eve, hoping we would spot him. I was so excited, that I kept peeking out of the bedroom window thinking I would see him. That’s when it happened. That’s when I spotted them. The horror of all horrors. I can still see them right now as I type. My parents were unloading our new bikes out of the trunk of their car! That was the day my life changed forever.

Okay, guys, yes, that was super over dramatic, but remember, I am an actor. The fact that we even had parents that could afford to buy us new bikes is beyond a blessing, but my point is, we tend to build people up in our minds, and then they do something, or an event takes place, that reminds us of exactly who they are…or are not. This recently happened to me over on Instagram. Now, I have only had one date from someone sliding into my DM’s, and that went horribly wrong, which I will blog about at another time. This time, I was the one doing the sliding.

It all started when I  tweeted about liking someone over on Instagram, and how I felt weird about sliding into his DM’s. Well, my twitter friend really helped to pump me up, and get me excited about all of the possibilities that sliding into his DM’s could bring. After some really great confidence building on her part, I thought, what the hell, let’s do this yo! So, I casually slid my fingers across my iPhone and tapped my Instagram icon. By this time I felt like a complete badass and had absolutely no qualms about what I was about to do. Continue reading →

10 Motivational Goals for 2016

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Happy New Year and welcome to the all new To Live & Date in LA! I am beyond excited to share my new site with you all, thank you so much for your support. 2015 was the most difficult year of my life due to the illness which led to the heartbreaking death of my mother, but with a new year, comes clarity and strength through my love for her and God.

So, let’s start this new year off with positivity, hopefulness, and grace…oh, and an unbreakable desire to make this year a year filled with love, success and blessings! I made a top ten list for myself, and texted it to a friend who said he was immediately saving it to his phone, which made me think of you all. I can’t keep this goodness all to myself right? Read, Share, Love and Enjoy…Jonesie Continue reading →

We Met at the Lenny Kravitz Concert

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concert

Have you ever seen the film, ‘Sliding Doors’, starring Gwyneth Paltrow? Here’s a short summary of the plot: The film follows Helen Quilley (Gwyneth Paltrow), a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. (imdb.com)

The film is amazing and of course so is Gwyneth Paltrow. There are all these little moments in our lives that happen everyday i.e. the street we take when we walk to the store, the daily drive home on the same freeway, choosing to go to Ralph’s market instead of Trader Joe’s, you get my drift. These are tiny blips on the radar of our lives, but these little decisions, can have huge consequences on our lives. And in the film we see this play out. So, why am I having an existential moment…yet again? Because, last night, at the Lenny Kravitz concert, I had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment. Let me break it down real quick…

My sister and I have been on a summer concert tour of sorts. We’ve gone to music and food festivals all summer, and last night, we watched the amazingly sexy, and insanely talented Lenny rock out. My sister has never really been into Lenny, but I have since about the age of 13, but she quickly changed her tune when she had the “Lenny” experience last night!

When I was purchasing the tickets online, I kept going back on forth on where I wanted us to sit. I changed my mind so many times, kept looking at the seating chart, then finally decided on the seats I eventually bought. We arrived at the greek about fifteen minutes after his opening act began, bought a few drinks, and headed inside. No one was sitting in the two seats next to us, and we were feeling excited and kind of happy that we’d have leg room to move around. Continue reading →

That One-Time A Moment of Loneliness Made Me Irrational

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 Last week, during one of our many text messaging sessions, my ex-boyfriend (not the douchebag that dumped me over text) who I’ve been close friends with since our 2005 break-up, mentioned that he is taking an important test for the next step of his career. This test is pretty important and he has been studying for it for weeks, and with it coming up soon, last week was the final study push. As we kept talking about his goals and what this promotion would mean for his career, and how stressed he was about it, my nurturing side automatically kicked in. This rarely happens, as we all know I have a black heart of stone, but I love my friend/ex-boyfriend, and wanted to do something to help him get a bit of relief from studying. So here’s what I did, why I did it, how it backfired, and the huge lesson it taught me.
 
When I am stressed out I do three specific things:

1) Eat Carbs in the form of homemade pizza.

2) Bake a ridiculous amount of cookies, brownies and/or muffins…sometimes, all three, if I’m being totally honest, which I always am with you guys.

3) Vacuum. Really…I clean like crazy, but there is something about vacuuming that really calms me down. Judge me all you want, but you’ll never come to my place, and not see those vacuum lines in my carpet.

Naturally, I thought of making the Fireman some baked goods that he can munch on while studying, and just use as a stress relieving break. Great idea, right?

I work two jobs: Job number one ends around 3pm, and job number two starts a few hours after that, and ends at about 10pm, so, let’s just say I am super tired by the end of my day. Is this winning me any sympathy points, because it better be. I decided to bake cookies and brownies, but not just one type of cookie, a full on cookie assortment, because why not turn this into a huge task that I would force myself to accomplish in a timely matter, and before the Labor Day weekend? Do you hear the violin strings being played? I do.
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