No, I Don’t Want to Hang Out With You

 No, I Don't Want to Hang out with you
Remember when you went on dates? No, better yet remember when you would spend an afternoon getting ready for your date that night? Hair done, nails done, new outfit, manicure and pedicure…and wait, sometimes even new shoes too?! What happened to that? Am I just old, or has dating really died? Everyone is just “hanging out” and I’m not hanging out or in with anyone. Everyone is hanging out without me and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to hang out with someone, I want to date someone, fall in love, and ride off into the sunset on the magical unicorn I have mentioned once or ten times, on this blog. So, men of the world, please for the love of all things holy, stop asking us to “hang out” with you!

“Hanging out” is not a first date. Hold on let me address something else as well: Netflix and pizza is not a first date. I will repeat myself: NETFLIX and PIZZA is NOT A FIRST DATE. I’ve been seeing this ignorant post on Instagram about how Netflix and pizza is not a cheap date because of the following fees: rent, electricity, playstation, etc. And, this stupid post, actually has a plethora of likes and laughing emojis on it. Not to mention it also states that women are bitches and there are many women who have “liked” this post. After I clutched my pearls, and gathered my composure, I considered the sheer idiocy behind this thought. Paying rent for your apartment/home whatever, is your choice, so is the fact that you bought a gaming station, and a monthly subscription to Netflix, which was not purchased with the idea of, “Man, I am going to get laid so hard for this” so can we stop with this dumb ass train of thought?

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me revisit my issue with hanging out as a first date. When you like someone you clearly want to make an effort to spend time with them, and get to know them, right? Doing an activity together like hiking, lunch, biking, wine tasting, dinner, movie in the park…you get my drift, are just a few of the myriad of ways you can get to know someone. I hang out with people I know, like my dad, sister, and my short list of friends. I do not want to hang out with you on our first date…I want to get to know you on a much deeper level. Continue reading

5 Signs He’s Just Stringing You Along

5 signs

1) He Only Texts You

Can I just start this off with a short rant on my love/hate relationship with texting? Yes…great, because, here it goes. I love texting and I friggin’ hate it so much. Mostly I hate to for the same reasons why I love it! Argh…I am just a mix of emotions on this topic. Texting is great for those of us who don’t want to spend hours on the phone, but here’s the thing, I don’t want to spend hours on the phone, I want to spend hours interacting with you, face-to-face! Texting is very impersonal and there’s this new era of young whipper snappers (i.e. the 25 and under crowd), who are really satisfied with a goodnight or good morning text and feel as though that means he, “really likes me.” Ummm…whatever happened to actual voice conversations, and preferably the ones that take place among each others actual company.

Texting is easy. Texting is non-committal. Texting is the step-sibling to actual time and commitment. I kid you not, I met a guy one year ago, and he has been texting me ever since. We have not seen each other or spoken on the telephone. A year people! I in no way take him seriously, and you shouldn’t either. Yes, texting is fun and who doesn’t love a great back-and-forth, but actual time spent together is an investment in your foreseeable future. Good morning texts and goodnight ones for that matter, do feel really good, but not when it’s never been backed up with anything more than just that. If he is only texting you, then he has absolutely no intentions of investing actual time in you. Let it go.

2) He Never Gives You Details About His Life

Let’s re-visit one of my examples from number one, and refer back to the guy who has been texting me for over one year now. I once asked him what he did for a living and his verbatim response was, “Live life!” as though he was utterly offended that I would have the audacity to ask him a question about himself. That…that right there is what I’m talking about. If you don’t know small or large details about his life, it’s because he doesn’t need you to know. Why would he not need you to know? Because you don’t matter enough to share his life. You are not part of his future plans, so why would he take the time to let you really get to know him better?

Where does he live, are his parents still together, what are his plans for the next five years of his life, can you name his friends and have you spent time with them? I mean really, if he won’t answer even basic questions, or better yet freely tell you about himself, it’s because he has no plans of making you a permanent fixture in his life. Let it go. Continue reading

5 Ways to Ease First-Date Stress

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First Dates can be extremely nerve-racking and awkward, or is that just me? Finding someone interesting enough to have a first date with can be an obstacle in itself. You find someone you like, text or in very rare cases, actually speak to them on the phone, then you get asked out…yes!!! Now you have to figure out what to wear and this can be really difficult because unfortunately people judge each other first, based on appearances. So, do you wear a dress, a shirt, jeans, a suit and tie? Where are you going to go on your date? Dinner, a movie, museum, or coffee? Should he/she pick you up or should you meet them there? Should you flat-iron your hair or leave it curly? Get a haircut and a shave or wear your beard? Ack…this is too much! Here are 5 things you can do to ease the stress of a first date:

1) Talk to Your Date Prior to Meeting Up: Talking seems to be a lost art form that our parents once did after school, while listening to records on the jukebox and drinking milkshakes at the local burger joint. What happened to talking? Where the hell did it go, and can we bring it back? I vote yes. Talk to your date before you actually go on your date.

Don’t text plan the entire thing. I am not suggesting you have a three hour phone conversation about what type of cheeses you like, or your favorite wine, but connecting verbally gives you a sense of direction when it comes to how you feel about someone. Call them and discuss, what you both like to do for entertainment, or what you are interested in so that you can both enjoy yourselves on your date. How many times have you showed up to a restaurant that literally has nothing on the menu you want to eat, or suffered through a film or game you have no interest in for the sake of the date? Talk first, gauge your interests, and plan accordingly.

2) Let Your Guard Down Just A Bit: This is a biggie for pretty much all of us. We are a generation of people who constantly Tweet or Instagram how quickly we cut people off, don’t trust others, or are giving up on love. What the hell happened to us? Why are we so cynical and jaded? I think I am having an existential moment right now, but I digress. Letting your guard down-especially for me-is terrifying. Opening yourself up to rejection, heartache, pain and all of the other descriptive ways in which you can be hurt, is scary and can make you really nervous, especially on date one when you are already in a bit of a frenzied state. If you don’t open yourself up to all of the possibilities of love whether they be negative, or positive, then love will never find you. Let your guard down and allow them to really get to know the real you, which leads me to tip number three.

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Birthday Sex…It’s Supposed to Happen, Right?

Birthday Sex...

The title is pretty cool right? Draws you in and you’re thinking, “What the hell is she going to write about? Sex…on her birthday?” well, not really. Maybe. Sorta, kinda. Excuse the grammatical errors but you know what I mean. With my birthday just days away, I got to thinking. When you are in a relationship there are milestones that you celebrate with your partner: Anniversaries, Holidays and Birthdays. Especially in those early months of dating where everything is fantastic and new. The stars are brighter, the sun is shinier and there is absolutely no wrong that your partner can do. Well, this post is not about the shiny and brand new, but the old and tarnished.

Birthdays are pretty dope right? I mean come on, we are celebrating the day we were birthed by our mothers. Sidenote: why don’t we celebrate our mom’s on this day? I mean shouldn’t she be the one to get the party, but I digress. When in a relationship, one of the many exciting experiences you have to look forward to, is sharing this day with someone. The wonderment of what they are going to do, or how you will celebrate is always fun. What if, though, you are dating/in a relationship with someone and your birthday turns out to be a huge bust? In my case, there was no Jake Ryan saves the day with a birthday cake, as we sit atop a table while I wear a pink bridesmaid dress a’la ’16 Candles’. There was…this… Continue reading

He Cheated, Now What: Does the “Cheaters Gene” Really Exist?

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Cheating is super fun for some people. Like, “Thrill Seekers” who are literally turned on not so much by the act of cheating, but by the possibility of being caught while doing so. Cheating has gone on since the beginning of time whether it be on a test (which we all did in high school…damn algebra), or on our partners. Why do we cheat? Is there a true genetic predisposition to be a “cheater” or have we all just lost our sense of impulse control?

First, we have to look at why constitutes cheating on your partner. Here is where things can get tricky because we all have our own interpretations of what cheating actually is. For some its dancing with someone that is not their partner at a club, or watching porn. Other people feel texting someone that is not their partner is cheating. Those acts are not even physical, but can be considered cheating. Then, there are the physical acts of kissing, touching or having sex with someone who is not your partner.

Emotional cheating is perpetuated by women more than men. Why? That’s an easy answer…we are emotional. I don’t mean burn your clothes, set your house on fire, key your car emotional (those are extreme cases that have happened, and can we ever forget Angela Bassett’s character setting her cheating husbands clothes on fire in Waiting to Exhale? Nope). Women are hardwired to express their emotions freely and are nurturers by nature, so we need a partner who is there for us both physically and emotionally.

What is emotional cheating? Seeking emotional comfort from someone outside of your partner in an intimate way. It’s not hugging your co-worker when your dog dies, its calling, texting, and spending time with them that creates a sense of security, which leads to intimacy. For example: you and your partner have a fight, and instead of talking with your partner about how you feel, you turn to another man/woman. Now, discussing relationship issues with your bestie, and discussing these issues with your cute coworker are different. You are creating a security and intimacy with this person in a way that may upset your partner. Would your partner be okay with the conversations that take place between you two? Has your partner met this person? More importantly would you be comfortable with your partner interacting with someone that way you are?
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5 Signs That You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

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Dating sucks. Okay, that was a harsh opener. Dating is a mix of emotions; nervousness, excitement, joy and awkwardness. When you like someone, your brain produces endorphins which trigger an actual physical and emotional response in your body. This is what causes the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling every time you are near your crush, and it feels damn good.

Having someone in your life feels like you’ve eaten pizza, ice cream, chocolate, and the best red wine you can find all at once, and not gained a pound at all afterward. It’s a feeling of intimacy that we all deserve to experience, but since dating can be so complicated, how do we know if our “situation” is leading towards something more…a relationship. Here is my list-because you all know I am a complete genius on the subject-of five signs that he (or she) are never, ever, like ever, going to take things to the next level with you…ever:

1) He Only Texts You:Ugh…you guys, texting is the bane of my existence. Remember when a guy liked you and actually picked up the phone to call you? I remember a boy calling me in the sixth grade, this was circa 1990, and I was so excited that I literally screamed. Then, we had pagers and you would send someone a numerical page, okay let me explain for all you youngsters who have no idea what I am referring to because you’ve grown up in the cell phone only days: Pagers were dope. Pagers were so fly and we all had one-mine was purple-and came up with words you could create using numbers, and certain number combinations meant different things. If someone texted you the combo 143 it meant I love you. Guys called you because they had to! They couldn’t send a text.

In high school a guy had a crush on me and wrote me letters almost weekly for an entire school year. Now, you have no idea what a guys handwriting even looks like. If you had to pick him out of a line-up based on his handwriting alone…you’d be screwed. You’d be all, ‘I’m sorry detective I have no idea who this handwriting belongs to. Can you have him send me a text?’ Now, all we get are bathroom selfies with the toilet seat in the background.

If he sets up all your “dates” through text, has not picked up the phone once to call you, and every text session escalates quickly into sexting, then you my friend, are not going to be his girlfriend. Listen, I do not think you have to have hour long, daily phone conversations to establish a relationship, but I know that texting takes absolutely no effort. Picking up the phone, hearing someone’s voice and establishing an actual intimate connection does.
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3 Lessons Learned from 2 Years of Celibacy

3 lESSONS LEARNED

I am currently passing year two of being celibate. Yes, okay, it’s been two years…you read that right. Here’s the thing, I did not deliberately choose to be celibate, the celibate life chose me! To be perfectly honest, I would love to meet someone amazing enough to break this non-self-imposed celibacy life. We have all made the mistake of equating sex with love right? Think about it, how many stories have we all listened to our girlfriends tell about that guy they went on a few dates with, had sex with, and who quickly and awkwardly moonwalks his way out of their life.

Sex is a huge factor in relationships and most times we end up having sex with people we are not in committed relationships with. I am not passing judgement whatsoever for those who do…I am explaining why I have taken that option off of the table for the past two years. For me, I want to take the time to get to know someone without the complications of sex clouding my judgement.

Often we have sex with a man in the very early stages of dating, whether it be the first or fifth date. Waiting is not about testing him to see how patient he will be. It’s about getting to know someone for who they truly are, and deciding if this is a person I want to be in an exclusive relationship with. Also, if they are deserving of having such an important piece of our body, heart and soul. Being celibate has taught me three important lessons about myself: Continue reading

5 Date Night Ideas for Under $100 in LA

5DATES

Dating is not cheap, and if you’re like me-and never get asked out on dates-I mean, if you’re like me, sometimes you have to date on a budget. I as you all know am an L.A. native born and raised, and after my friend asked me where her and her husband could celebrate their anniversary for $100, I came up with these five ideas that I thought I should share with you! Los Angeles is filled with really expensive restaurants, bars, cars, handbags, dogs, shoes and people, but not all of us can spend $200 per week on a date right? Wait, now I’m wondering if a guy has ever spent $200 on a date with me…ummm…Netflix is like $10 a month right? Let’s just move on. While there is nothing wrong with a Netflix date my friends, I do strongly suggest you hold off on the Netflix date for the first few weeks. Whether you’re an L.A. native, transport or just visiting, why not try these five suggestions for under $100?!

Date Spot #1) Perch LA: 448 South Hill St.

There are so many reasons to fall in love at this place! Both of the pictures in this post were taken by me at this establishment. Not only can you literally dine on the edge of one of downtown’s most amazing rooftops (located on the 15th floor of the Hill building), but they also have not one but two bars, with one being located on the first floor of the bar, and the other on the rooftop outside. There is also this mysterious and sexy entrance, yes I typed entrance, that you take just to get up there…one elevator takes you to another elevator that has an actual Silver Bird for the button to press that will guide your elevator to Perch. Very sexy! Did I also mention that they have a live jazz band, an insane Happy Hour (4-6pm), and hello the views are to die for!

At Perch you and you date will have a 360 degree view of downtown Los Angeles that is just as spectacular by sunset as it is in the morning (hello, brunch date). The menu is fantastic and I am partial to their Grilled Caesar Salad with Chicken. The chicken melts in your mouth and is cooked to tender perfection, and the salad is literally grilled, a half of romaine is grilled and topped with creamy goodness that is such a hearty portion, you could share it with your date.

I am a huge dessert aficionado and their White Chocolate Bread Pudding is drenched in a Bourbon glaze and served with fresh fruit. Do I really need to say more? The menu options are fancy (that’s an SAT word hahahah) but, like I said one portion can feed two, so it’s a win-win for your wallet and your romance meter will be at like, ten thousand percent. Just be prepared to get super romantic, kissy, loving and score huge points with your date! Thank me later.
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Social Media Did Not Ruin Your Relationship, You Did

social-media

 Social media does not ruin relationships…people do. There are thousands of ways to meet, find, look up, connect, hookup and explore people online. Online dating is a billion dollar business. Twitter has spawned countless hookups, and relationships. Facebook will reunite you with your elementary school crush, high school boyfriend, his cousin, and your prom date all within a few clicks. All of these outlets can bring you the love of your life, or the embarrassment of your life…Catfish anyone? With the influx of social media, texting, Instagram and every other ‘Gram’ of some sort available, there was bound to be a backlash.

I have been reading comments from men and women about how social media ruined there relationship. Many of these comments have been directed at or made after someone has been caught cheating. Is it easier to have access to men and women that you would not normally meet while working at Target? Yes. Has social media made it easier for the “Average Joe” to communicate with the “Unattainable Girl”? Yes.

Is it easy to fall for someone based on their Instagram pics? Yes. Does your ex really actually go away if you’re able to Facebook stalk their every move? No. Here are just a few other questions for you: Does Twitter have a penis? No. Does Instagram have a vagina? No. Does Facebook call you and ask you to go out with it? No. Okay, just checking.

The last time I checked, making a conscious decision to actively pursue someone, whether it be through texting, Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, is a decision a man or woman makes on their own. The shift in our culture to not respect the boundaries of marriage and relationships has definitely exacerbated by social media. How many of us have hit on somebody we see online? You know you have so don’t act like this is brand new. We see a celebrity, model, sports figure, or attractive guy/woman on our timeline and our hormones transform into a free for all of lustful comments, DM’s, or “like” clicks on all of their Instagram pics.

We see someone we like, want, want to sleep with, or are curious about and we have absolutely no filter in letting them know. Our phones and computer screens have become a safe place, a border if you will that not only grants us immediate access to anyone, but also does something to our psyche, and we are filled with an insane amount of confidence we’ve never had before. We post intimate pics of ourselves, we ask celebrities out on dates, we tell married men and women that we could love them better then their spouses, we post #mcm (Man Crush Monday) and #wcw (Women Crush Wednesday) pics with that tiny inkling of hope that our crush will like us back. Continue reading

Can’t I Be Smart and Pretty?

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In the first grade I was the best reader in my class. Actually I was the fastest reader, speller and everything else you like to be in the first grade. In the second grade I really stepped my “smart game” up and began reading chapter books, practicing cursive writing and studying spelling words like they were the Holy Grail. My school wanted to skip me up one grade but my dad said no-to which I am still pissed about, but I digress…yeah dad, I’m still mad at you for that one-so I continued to push myself further and further, studying every single day.

My siblings and I went to private school in Redondo Beach, Ca. For my lovely readers unfamiliar with this city, it is obviously a beach city here in L.A. and in the late 80’s, let’s just say outside of my siblings, there were maybe two other black kids there. My first day of school I literally raised my hand and answered every single question that the teacher asked the class. Literally raising my hand before anyone else…on purpose. I distinctly remember answering a question the teacher asked and a boy next to me saying, and I quote, “Wow…you really are smart!” That was all the fuel I needed to light my “I am smart” fire.

Soon teachers began questioning every test or assignment I turned in. They’d ask me who I cheated off of, or who helped me. One teacher even made me re-take a test I easily aced, because how on earth did this little black girl come in and win. More fuel thrown on my fire. I craved knowledge, learning about any and everything I could. I took piano and won every recital I was in. I read more books then anyone else and did my first book report on Lucille Ball, my comedy idol I’d grown to love while obsessively watching re-runs of her at home. I sang in the choir and memorized my Easter Sunday speeches so well that they would assign me the biggest and longest speeches purposely. I started acting in plays at school and would memorize not just my role, but the entire play often helping kids with their lines while on stage. I wasn’t even out of grade school. I was smart. I was smart. I was smart.  Continue reading

If You Chase Him…He Will Run

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 I love guys. I love the way they smile. I love the way they smell. I love how they put their hand on your neck while kissing you. I love men. When I am interested in a guy I expect it to be all easy and sparkly. I want him to bump into me while I’m at the bookstore, reach for the same book on the shelf, touch my hand, feel my sparkle and fall in love with me. What has been my pattern is finding and chasing the most emotionally unavailable men of the Los Angeles area.

 

Here’s how it goes down: I meet someone who I am attracted to. He may or may not be attracted to me, which I usually have no clue of, because as usual they never just tell me how they feel, so I set out to “find out” if they do. Hence the emotional unavailability. This is when the chase becomes a game I set out to win. I suddenly become a lion chasing after the gazelle in the wild. Letting someone know you are interested in them is amazing. It’s a risk that you take and you literally roll the dice hoping that he/she will pick them up, kiss them, and place them in your hand, along with their heart.

Sometimes, love sucks. Like when you are so into someone and they are not reciprocating your feelings. I’m way to scared to say what I’m thinking when I do have feelings for someone. In my head it’s like, ‘Hey you cute guy, I like you, and you should totally like me, let’s go hang out at the bookstore, and ride unicorns on sparkly highways for the rest of our lives.’ In person, I’m totally awkward, talk a lot, and make random self-deprecating jokes out of nervousness when I’m around someone I like. If I see or feel an inkling of that person maybe, sort kinda, just a tad, almost, kind of a little bit liking me back…the lioness in me roars it’s awkward head and he becomes the gazelle that I must chase, capture and keep locked up in my heart.  Continue reading

Dear Nice Guys Everywhere, I Was Wrong

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I dated a nice guy once. He was the sweetest guy ever and I dumped him. Let me set the scene…it was fourth grade, the year was 1990, and Billy, my boyfriend at school was not really the guy I liked the best, but he liked me the most. For Halloween he had a trick-or-treat party and his parents said they liked me. Being that I was one of two black girls in the school and there son was white and we were ten…they were pretty cool about it!

Billy was very attentive and would always hang out with me during recess, sit next to me in class or stare at me all googly-eyed throughout the day. Then…it ended. He went on a family vacation to Hawaii and brought me back a few gifts; a necklace and a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts. That was it. The last straw. I decided Billy was smothering me, and dumped him. I remember sitting in class and he did not sit next to me. He stared at me with a broken heart and puppy dog eyes, and after the resident “bad boy” of our grade named Ryan, that I liked rejected me yet again, I instantly regretted breaking up with Billy.

Here’s the thing about “Nice Guys”…they get a bad rap. They are usually the dorky sidekick in a film or the band geek hiring someone to be their girlfriend in a movie. They almost always are portrayed as bad dressers, glasses wearers, and nasal voice having guys with no chest hair. They are always way into a girl that’s “too pretty” or “too cool” to go out with them so they pine after her as they watch her make-out with the “Bad Boy” in town.

The “Bad Boy” on the other hand is dope! He has an insane amount of swagger, is typically the best dressed, the most liked, and has mad bass in his voice. The “Bad Boy” is always spurning the advances of girls and women who literally swoon and catch the vapors as he walks by finger pointing and winking his eye at the same time (all Bad Boys must know how to perform this simultaneous action).

The “Bad Boy” always smells good, has like ten girlfriends at once, who all fight over him, and never gets pimples. He is desirable because he seems so unattainable. He is raw, sexual and mesmerizing. The “Bad Boy” has that…that…sexy something that makes you want to throw your panties at him every-damn-time-you-see-him. Even when he does the finger point/wink combo!  Continue reading

When Your Ex Finds Someone New & You Don’t

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Why does it hurt so bad when we see our ex with someone new? My last boyfriend was not a very nice person. He was not a good person…as a matter of fact, he was one of the most selfish and unkind people I became to know, but I digress. Breaking up with someone is never fun and seeing your ex with someone new is heartbreaking. When my ex and I broke up over four years ago I actually felt relieved. He had cheated and we stayed together.

I became a paranoid koo koo bird that drove to the gym, parked outside of it, and checked to see if his car was there. I even did the dreaded…check his phone move. I was younger then I am now of course and I have clearly matured. So, if he was such a douchebag why did it hurt when I saw his lovey-dovey post on Facebook that included a picture of his new girlfriend?

Maybe I was hurt because he has someone new and I know who he really is. She hasn’t met the selfish, cheating, plays the guitar while sitting on the toilet, obsesses over his outfit choices, and owns more moisturizers then me guy. She has yet to meet Mr. I am going to the gym, but not really going there. New girl also doesn’t know Mr. I am going to call my mom and tell her all of our relationship business either. Why does ‘New Girl’ get to meet this new amazing and loving guy while I had to be with the aforementioned a-hole? It’s not fair.

Maybe I am jealous that he has a girlfriend and I, well, am single. I have not had a boyfriend since him and it’s been over four years. Okay, the first two years was me partying it up and having so much fun that the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend. Now that I have settled into my true self: I ma confident, working hard every single day to accomplish my goals, writing, acting etc. I would really love to have my “person” to share all of this with. Why does he get to have a “person” and I don’t. He sucks.  Continue reading

Draft Day Interview: Tom Welling From Superman to Football Hero

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Tom Welling is insanely good looking, has perfect teeth and eyes that you can lose yourself in if you’re not careful. As I stroll in fully prepared to be super professional, not lose my cool, and interview him according to my pre-written questions…as soon as we begin to talk, all of that goes out the window. Good looks aside, he is so much more than his perfect teeth and ocean blue eyes…Not only is he genuinely nice, but smart and most of all humble. Dressed in a button-up shirt and jeans, I can’t help but notice how much he has matured from the cute young man we came to know as Clark Kent years ago on “Smallville”.

He melted our hearts as Clark Kent/Superman on the hit series, and is now grabbing our attention as Brian Drew in the new film, Draft Day starring Kevin Costner and Jennifer Garner. Portraying a football star that is proving his worth after fighting his way back from an injury, his future is hanging by a thread on the day of the NFL draft. Tom brings out a vulnerability we as the audience not only root for but want to see more of. I sat down for a quick interview with the star at The Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills… Continue reading