I am currently passing year two of being celibate. Yes, okay, it’s been two years…you read that right. Here’s the thing, I did not deliberately choose to be celibate, the celibate life chose me! To be perfectly honest, I would love to meet someone amazing enough to break this non-self-imposed celibacy life. We have all made the mistake of equating sex with love right? Think about it, how many stories have we all listened to our girlfriends tell about that guy they went on a few dates with, had sex with, and who quickly and awkwardly moonwalks his way out of their life.
Sex is a huge factor in relationships and most times we end up having sex with people we are not in committed relationships with. I am not passing judgement whatsoever for those who do…I am explaining why I have taken that option off of the table for the past two years. For me, I want to take the time to get to know someone without the complications of sex clouding my judgement.
Often we have sex with a man in the very early stages of dating, whether it be the first or fifth date. Waiting is not about testing him to see how patient he will be. It’s about getting to know someone for who they truly are, and deciding if this is a person I want to be in an exclusive relationship with. Also, if they are deserving of having such an important piece of our body, heart and soul. Being celibate has taught me three important lessons about myself:
Lesson 1) I am not willing to waste my time or someone else’s. How many times have we all made mistake? You meet someone you are really into, and you notice red flags about them, but choose to ignore them. Then what happens? You end up investing your time with this person knowing that you have no intention of pursuing a relationship with them. Someone being nice to you does not mean they are worthy of your time. Someone wanting to sleep with you does not mean you have to let them. If you are not into them, be an adult, let them know, and move on.
Lesson 2) I will never hide my sexual displeasure out of worry for someones ego. Faking orgasm is not going to happen. And not something we should be doing…ever. Pretending to enjoy that position that you know you don’t, does nothing but infringe on your ability to enjoy the pleasure you’re deserving of. Remaining silent out of fear that he/she will break up with you, be angered, or have a bruised ego has got to stop. Speaking up for want you want, guiding someone lovingly, and communicating openly about what you want and need, leads to an open and honest discussion. Communication is essential to a happy and pleasurable sex life with your partner, so speak up!
Lesson 3) I know what I want and I know what I need. I want to give my heart and love to someone. I want a guy who will take me to Medieval Times, because I don’t care what anyone says, that place is awesome, you get to eat with your hands and scream at knights who are jousting…that place friggin’ rocks yo. I also want a guy who understands that I am way into 90’s R&B and 80’s movies. I need a man who will understand my heart, be kind to me and my family, communicate his needs with me, and loves to travel.
There are many men and women that can separate sex from emotion, and not get caught up in the endorphins, and clouded judgement that makes you believe he/she are “the one”, when in fact they are not. I am not one of those people. The last person I dated-two years ago-wanted to become intimate very quickly and I said that I was not ready, we were not dating exclusively, and I knew he was seeing other people and it wasn’t healthy for me to do that. He disappeared. Maybe one of the knights from Medieval Times found him on the street and kicked his butt, but in reality he just showed me that he had no interest in me outside of becoming physical, and I am glad he never got that piece of my body and emotion.
Now, into my mid thirties-yes I am 34 and I love Medieval Times, and I am not ashamed-I know that I am not at all interested in short term flings, and am ready for a committed relationship. Until I get to know someone and have a man in my life who will actually take time to get to know me, there are diners that I will allow to sit at my table, but only that special one will have dessert. Preferably that dessert will be served…at Medieval Times. I had to do it.
Have you figured out what you want in your romantic life or attempted celibacy/are against it? Sound off below!