Tag: to live and date in LA

2023: THE YEAR OF PTSD, ANXIETY & THERAPY

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2023 has been the year of PTSD, anxiety and therapy for me. In 2022, I was viciously assaulted by someone in my family who then began to stalk and harass me. There have been many other illegal and horrific things this person and her family members have done, but all of that is for the detective to sort out. All I could do is control how I reacted to it all, and that is where therapy came in and saved my life.

After the assault, and the other sociopathic things this person has done, I started seeing a therapist. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and anxiety, and I sobbed for a few days. I am not exactly sure why it hurt me so much, but it did. Not out of shame, but out of disbelief and concern for myself. I knew something was wrong because I would have nightmares about the attack, heart palpitations and feel anxious all the time, but did not think it was at all related to PTSD. I was not that knowledgeable about PTSD and felt it was only something that happened to victims of war, incarceration, and major crimes.

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WHAT IS FLIRTING AND WHY DO WE DO IT?

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“What is flirting and why do people do it?” was the question posed to me by a fourteen year old boy last week. I tried to think of my best flirting moments to answer with and one that recently took place popped up in my mind. I continued “Well, last week I walked over to a guy and complimented his work and the way he smelled. This lead to us talking and he asked for my number!” I felt so proud of myself in that moment thinking I was imparting some new found wisdom on this kid. He then asked, “Okay, but why do people flirt?”. Believing I am on some sort of Yoda like roll I say, “Maybe because its a way to feel out the vibe first and see if the person you are interested in, is actually interested in you. You flirt as a means of protecting yourself from rejection I guess.” This made me think…are we all flirting to protect or boost our egos?

Having lived the single life for many years now, I chose not to try and flirt with anyone for a while . There has been a lot of “life stuff” happening so I took myself out of the game. Thanks to therapy, I’m back! So, last week I saunter over to a very attractive man and strike up a conversation with him. We exchange pleasantries, I turn on the comedic charm, laughs are had, numbers are exchanged, texts are sent, jokes are made and then…NOTHING.

Let me say that he is not only good looking but seems like a really kind person. He is an entrepreneur, has a beautiful big smile, and as I said before smells really good. He asked me questions about myself, my writing, and showed interest in getting to know me, but nothing really progressed. No dates were made and that is okay. Everyone we flirt with does not have to like us back, but it is a risk we take anyway. Why do we do it?

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Quarantine, Anxiety & Ice Cream

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Since we are now in year fifty-thousand of quarantine, I wanted to address issues many of us have been facing while living with this pandemic. For me, anxiety, depression, fear, have been reoccurring themes. Whether you have been dealing with feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, or fear, know that we will get through this together.

March 2020 and beyond has been rough for all of us. We are losing jobs, loved ones, financial security, facing food insecurities and death on a massive scale. It is scary as hell. Black Lives Matter and racial injustice movements not only in policing, but also our workplaces are at the forefront as well. Reckoning on a major scale is taking place. Caught on video acting racist and ignorant = lose your job, unless you’re a cop.

Constantly being bombarded with videos of racism, including Black/Brown people being beaten, shot etc. is psychologically damaging to watch as a Black person. These videos are visceral and can bring upon a depression so heavy that you have to claw your way out of it. Losing your job can feel devastating. The fear that accompanies it marries with anxiety and can push you over your emotional edge. The stress of quarantine, COVID, and just trying to buy groceries, is an emotional nosedive many of us are collectively experiencing.

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We’re Leaving Toxic People in 2018

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Here’s what we are not going to do in the New Year: allow toxic people to reside in the mental, physical and emotional sacred spaces of our lives. We are letting them all go. Yes, all of them. They are not going to change, we cannot fix them-nor is it our duty to-and they do not deserve to hold a place in psyche any longer.

Letting go of toxic people can be extremely easy or incredibly hard. I find there are the two extremes and really not much wiggle room in-between them. I am the former. Excluding toxic people from my narrative has become so damn easy the older, wiser, and more impatient to bullshit I become.

This year I dealt with extreme narcissism, sexism, and backstabbing. It was incredible! In this particular situation, I worked with these people and had stay in it until my committed time came to an end. After I separated myself I then became the subject of their attacks. It fazed me for a minute then I realized just how sad, insecure, and hateful they have to feel about themselves and their lives to behave so toxic. 

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WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE MOVING TO LA

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Los Angeles, California is an oasis. From our beaches, to downtown, the snowy mountaintops, and everything in-between we pretty much have it made here. At least that’s how it seems to so many on the outside looking in. As a Los Angeles native I’ve become somewhat of a unicorn around these here parts. Every new person I meet has relocated here chasing the all to familiar dream: FAME. As an actor and writer I understand the desire and incredible pull that Los Angeles has. I mean we are home to Hollywood, Sony, Warner Brothers, and countless other studios. All of the best agents are here from WME to CCA and literally thousands of others.

Los Angeles is shiny, glittery and sparkles at night. The Hollywood sign sits on a mountainside you can see from pretty much every popular hiking trail. It’s elusive, inviting and has an incredible backstory that fills you with hope that maybe one day, no someday you will tell your own unbelievable backstory about how you, “made it.” Driving down the palm tree lined streets of Beverly Hills, Hollywood and the like, you often see the TMZ bus shuttling along tourists with their cell phones and cameras in hand. I swear you can literally see the stars in their eyes. They are so hopeful.

They don’t see the drug addicted and homeless lining downtowns Skid Row, no, they see all of the Instagram worthy pics from their favorite youtube sensation in real life, and think that polished exterior is what LA has to offer. The tour bus doesn’t show them the all of the homeless Angelenos that sleep on the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, and the other hopefuls who perform there day and night with a bucket out for tips. They also don’t see the overworked, underpaid, and mostly immigrant nannies who walk around Beverly Hills with little white kids in tow. That’s the thing about LA…its the most beautiful illusion you’ll ever experience. Continue reading →

UNPACKING EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Emotional Baggage: we all have it and some of us struggle with how to deal with it. When we enter into relationships we want to be able to unpack it all, dump it in our partners lap, and have them find the proverbial matching socks. Emotional fortitude does not come easily and depending on the environment we are raised in, is something many of us may learn as adults, which makes it even harder.

Last week I was in a room with a man and a woman who got into a heated discussion about dating, relationships, and emotional baggage. I sat listening to these two very emotional beings spar with each other. She, defending her beliefs and he determined to prove his exactitude. He used every tactic to sway her, from quoting the Bible to playing upon her emotions as she became more and more defensive. His take, ‘a woman should be a man’s solace. When he comes home from battling the day, he doesn’t want to come home and battle you too.’ Her take, ‘a woman should not be expected to just take/deal with all of your bullshit.’  Continue reading →

My Body, My Words: From A-Cups to Thick Thighs…

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“Wow, you got so fat!” are the words my aunt said to me as I walked into my grandmothers house on Thanksgiving, years ago. My then boyfriend and I were in a toxic relationship; he emotionally abusive and me, mentally exhausted. Depression took over, and so I cried, and ate…and cried, and ate. Gaining an extra twenty pounds on my small, five foot two frame. I tried to pretend I was unbothered for the rest of the night, and silently cried while staring out of the window in the car the entire way home. After pulling myself together, and kicking his cheating butt to the curb, I dropped the weight, but the mental toll it took, stuck with me. This is not the first time I’ve struggled with self acceptance, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. My body and I have had an internal struggle most of our life. My Body…My Words.

As a kid things weren’t much better. “Look at your legs…you have thunder thighs!” Ryan, my fourth grade classmate yelled as we walked on the playground. I wore my new Bongo shorts and matching t-shirt my Mom bought me, and felt ready to conquer the world that morning on the drive to school. Everyone will love my outfit, and this will make them finally love me too was my internal hope. As one of the literal few black students in the entire school being made fun of was a daily part of my routine.

My thick thighs, kinky hair, and brown skin were the subject of many hate campaigns. I tried desperately to fit in and be liked, but I would always be considered an outsider, and my body, skin and hair would never let me in. I began to resent my brown skin, kinky hair, and strong thighs just like they did. For the rest of the year, no matter how hot the weather became, I’d wear my thick black New Kids on the Block jacket to school, and use it to cover my legs anytime I wore
a dress or shorts. Their words stuck.

“She hates me.” is what my body must think. Continue reading →

Stop Asking Women Why We’re, “Still Single”

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I am so over this dumbass question. Thoroughly sick and tired of having to defend myself against an McCarthy like era interrogation into discovering the reasons why I’m still single. Its offensive and just plain ridiculous…also, in most cases, its filled with judgment and makes me want to punch you in the throat. The question is almost always posed as though there must be something wrong with me if at 37yrs old, I am single, never married and have no children. Why is it that as a woman I must be damaged, too picky, hard to deal with, crazy or super selfish, and George Clooney who remained a playboy bachelor until his 50’s, is considered an intelligent hero for taking his time to settle down?

Yes, I am thirty-seven. No, I have never been married or plan to have children anytime soon. I have been single for over ten years, and no I do not feel like I am missing out on anything, or that I am running out of time. There is no need for me to put out a billboard on the street searching for my new man, and no, I don’t think I am being selfish. My career comes first, and I am truly okay with that. Am I worried that I will not be able to get pregnant later in life? Nope. If I end up married someday and decide to have children, but can’t get pregnant, then I will adopt or use a surrogate. Do these issues play in my mind daily…not at all.  Continue reading →

My Pitch Was Rejected, Here’s What I Did Next

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An executive at major entertainment company recently passed on my pitch for a television script. He stated he loved the comedy and my pitch, but that I should’ve hidden the fact that my lead character didn’t have her life together. His opinion made me look at how women are represented in media, and how I as a writer/blogger/screenwriter add to that. When you look at television shows like, “The big Bang Theory”, “Entourage”, ”How I Met Your Mother”, and pretty much most of the shows starring men who were apart of other insanely successful shows; for instance Kevin James and Matt LeBlanc have both recently found renewed success in their new tv roles. These shows and many more are male driven representations of sexuality, fatherhood, married life and work relationships, where the lead protagonists do not have their shit together.

All of these shows are well written/acted, funny in their own right, and feature common tropes about the bumbling father who after getting married, and having kids, all of a sudden has no idea how to raise their middle school aged-children…comedy ensues. Or the single group of guys partying their way around the globe and having an insane amount of amazing sex with some of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen, but in all other aspects of their lives are unable to also get their shit together…comedy and hot sex scenes ensue. Then there are the nice guys who seemingly have their professional lives together, working for a museum, accounting firm etc, but cannot for the life of them find a woman to settle down with…hilarious dating scenarios, comedy, awkward sex scenes ensue.

These are of course just a few examples, and there are women centered television shows that have the same tropes in them, which are just as hilarious-if not more-than their male counterparts. Shows like ‘Two Broke Girls’ and ‘Insecure’ show women as hilarious, flawed, and complex. The women on these shows and included in the shows from the examples above add so much to the screen that they are literally changing the way women are viewed by not just men, but other women. Seeing smart, beautiful, female scientists on ‘The Big Bang Theory’ makes me happy. Knowing the Issa Rae has shined a huge spotlight on black work relationships, love and sex in a funny and relatable way literally fills me with hope. Continue reading →

4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Your Dreams

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We are told we can be anything, do anything and can have it all if we just try hard enough, but what if trying hard enough still isn’t enough? What do you do when you have given it your all and still cannot achieve the dream and goals you have set for yourself? We’ve all been there. Life is kicking you in the ass and you’re worried about making rent this month, or wondering how you’re going to pay your student loan payment and still have money for groceries. Or you’re not getting auditions, job interviews, making enough money etc. It seems like everything you try you fail at, or it ends up going left when you’re desperately trying to go right. Is there ever a time when you should just say, fu*k it, and give up…maybe, but here are four reasons why you shouldn’t. Continue reading →

3 Things to Leave in 2016

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Am I the only one happy to see 2016 go? Good riddance to the rubbish that was this year because I am completely over it. While there are serious reasons why 2016 sucked on a larger scale, you know, like the orange cheeto inciting an insane amount of hate and mysogyny…or losing Prince, which by the way I am still not over, but I digress. Here are the reasons why 2016 totally sucked:

My Instagram Crushed Ruined Everything: Okay, he didn’t ruin everything in real life, just in the fantasy I created of him and our future children in my head. How did he ruin it all, you ask? He never asked me out! I am so over time wasters, and flirters with no follow through, so goodbye Instagram crush. I am leaving you behind in 2016. I will not delete you from my feed because then you’d know that you actually bothered me, and also, I need you to be able to see my fabulousness on a daily bases.

2016 taught me how to value my time, and myself as a whole. I am completely worthy of a man that will see how dope I am from the get-go, not leave me wondering how he feels, not flirt with me just to feed his ego, and who will ask me out on a proper date. You deserve that too you know. If he/she has left you guessing about how they feel, or does not make you a priority, please leave them in 2016. You are worthy of all the love you allow yourself to experience. Continue reading →