Apparently single-shaming is an epidemic, and I have become its latest victim. At work, while discussing random mundane things with a co-worker I am not really friends with. You know that co-worker that always has something to say and you just pretend type on your computer while they stand at your desk yammering, in hopes that they’ll go away…that co-worker. During the one-sided chat, the topic of money jumped into the conversation, which went a little something like this:
Me: I usually work 2 jobs.
Co-Worker: Well yah, you’re SINGLE.
Me: That’s not why. My work ethic-
Her: My husband makes good money and I don’t have to worry about that.
I don’t have to worry about whether there is enough.
I guess being single equates to being a broke, lonely loser. Women are shamed for being single, while men are praised for it. I’m a lonely loser for being single, but a man my exact age, is a “player”. And the fact that I work, sometimes two jobs, and live on my own, pay all of my own bills, and am independent, means nothing because at thirty-six years old…I am single…and a loser, according to her.As soon as I caught onto the fact that she was single-shaming me, I felt this insane need to defend my singledom. I became defensive and kept trying to spew out as many reasons I could think of as to why I am absolutely fine as a single woman, but she kept purposely interrupting me. Every single time I tried to finish a sentence I started about how I am okay, she would cut me off.
Why did I let her single shaming judgement bother me so much? There are tweets, IG posts and Facebook status quotes about how single women are lonely, bitter and sad, that I see every week, so why did this make me want to punch her in the throat? I think what may have bothered me the most was the judgement she placed on my ability to take care of myself…by myself. My inner self went from angry, to defensive, to questioning my choices!
Why is it that we sometimes allow someone else’s opinions of us, make us feel like everything we’re doing in our life is wrong? I actually felt that way for a few minutes because of her single shaming. When in reality, her single shaming me had absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. Think about that the next time someone tries to put you or your choices down in such a passive aggressive way. That hurtful statement or opinion, is a reflection of inner turmoil, way more than it actually being about you.
Being single is not a curse or a guarantee of happiness. In fact there are times when it sucks (see post: 5 times When Being Single Sucks) and times when you’re thanking sweet baby Jesus you can sleep in the middle of the bed, wearing granny panties and an old ratty t-shirt. I take pride in the fact that I am very independent, and yes, like to work.
Having a husband, for me, will of course be about more than just added income, as I’m sure it is for my co-worker, but he will be a bonus in my already dope ass life. Is my life perfect? Nope. Am I exactly where I want to be? Nada. Do I work at my job to pay my bills and for healthcare? Yes. I am thankful for my jobs, and the insane work ethic instilled in me by my mom…who by the way, until her passing, was married to my Dad for over 40yrs, and controlled all of their finances. Boom.
Have you ever been a victim of “Single-Shaming?”
Sound off in the comments section below!
8 thoughts on “How My Co-Worker Single Shamed Me”
Sadly, single shaming and no baby yet shaming for women over 25 is at an all time high. I get tired of seeing women I’m close to over 30 with no children be made to feel like they’re less than because either they can’t have, don’t want, or have yet to meet the “ONE” to have children with. I think as women especially we need to start offering support to each other and no so much judgement. It’s been my experience that those doing most of the judging are miserable. So many people stay in a relationship just to post on social media that they have someone and they’re “happy” instead of truly learning to be happy with themselves and in a happy mutually enjoyable relationship … Sadly I doubt this epidemic will change :/
Exactly…you literally hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t agree with you more! If someone came along and a marriage and kid came out of it…great, but for now, I’m solo! You’re right, we are so quick to judge each other as apprised to supporting each of our lifestyles and decisions. Thanks for reading and commenting doll 🙂
Now I really feel like an alien from another planet! In my environment I’ve noticed more resistance to singles who want to get married and fears on the parts of the singles they’ll be old maids/bachelors. In fact I don’t know anyone who’s been married in five years. A number of people I know are single and in their thirties. I don’t know of anyone shaming them for it and would have never thought of it happening if I hadn’t read posts assuming it’s normal. The singles are more likely to be told to be content with singleness, to wait on God’s Timing(TM), and do it God’s Way(TM). I’m a single 31-year old man, and have never been called a player.(I only have a vague idea of what that is and have a feeling that’s unacceptable in my circle.)
I think part of this is my growing up in what is known as Christian purity culture, which includes abstinence until marriage(something I’m totally committed to) and I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
Thanks for reading and commenting! Good luck with your journey 🙂
Thankfully I’ve not been baby shamed (yet) but I’ve definitely been a victim of single shaming. I’m 33 and single, and I’ve definitely noticed that I’m expected to have more free time to devote to helping others out, or doing stuff at work, than my non-single counterparts have. I write fiction, work on a PhD, run an Etsy shop, have three blogs and like to have a social life – but this is all apparently bad because I’m single and I’ve even been told that I must do so many things to fill my life because I don’t have a man. No, I do so many things because I WANT to.
Humans make me want to punch things.
Okay, first off…you are sooooooo awesome for all of the things you are doing and have accomplished! Kudos, chica! And, yes, I understand how you feel…clearly, and it makes me angry too when people assume you don’t have a life, and can rely on you for everything just because you’re single. I applaud you!!! Thanks for reading and commenting! bwhahahahhahahaha at “Humans make me want to punch things.”
There are a couple of people in my current work situation who drive me absolutely nuts – I they are pushing exactly the right buttons to set me off. I am sure it is the Universe’s way of teaching me to choose my response rather than to just react, so they are in my life for a reason. Not judging them is supposed to be part of my practice. Though I can’t say I enjoy it much. And this co-worker of yours? Aargh!!! Since she’s not part of MY karma, I can be as judgy as I want. What a relief.
Paula…hahahahah…thanks for making me laugh, and I still am not sure what drives people to take out their misery/insecurities on others. You are such a talented writer, and clearly, awesome person, and I’m sure that can attract jealousy. Rising above it can be so damn hard, right?!!! I’m with you, on really learning how to let people be and not let their negative vibes infiltrate my space. Thanks so much for reading, commenting & your twitter shares xo Jonesie