First date sex can either be really great, super awkward or the only time this action happens with the person you are doing it with. Really great first date sex is just that…really great and may even turn into a few more dates that conclude in more great sex. Then there is super awkward first date sex that you do when you’re trying to get over an ex, or do because you really thought the guy/girl you met and talked to all night in the darkly lit bar was super cute, and the future love of your life. So, you get to their house and have awkward-you’re-not-as-hot-as-I-thought-you-were-but-I’m-here-so-let’s-just-do-this-kind-of-sex.

Then, there is the most repeated scenario these days: the one night stand sex, and you will either leave in the middle of the night, or fall asleep and escape at 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Why is it that waking up at 6:00 a.m. for work is literally the worst/hardest thing to do, but when escaping a one night stand, is the easiest action to accomplish and you didn’t even have your alarm set.?

 My friend came into my office and we had a first date sex debate. She stated, “I never give it up on the first date. I make them work for it…at least six months!” To which I replied, “Honey he can dump you after the first date, or just as easily six months later.” Here is my issue with first date sex: It can ruin everything! Okay that was super dramatic, but I have made the first date sex mistake a few times in my dating life, and I have come to the conclusion that it can speed up (an often one-sided) emotional attachment without an emotional attachment. The one-sided attachment formed is usually on behalf of us women, because once we surrender our body to someone we do form an emotional attachment to them whether we intended to or not.

There are times when you meet someone and the connection is so instantaneous that you momentarily lose your mind…really, you’re at dinner, or a movie, or the aquarium (yeah I said aquarium because people go on dates there too you know. Don’t judge me) and you think you have just met the future mother/father of your kids. You can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person based on the few hours you have spent together, so of course the next thing you do is sleep with them.

When we immediately rush into a physical relationship with someone we cloud our judgement. It may sound lame but forming a friendship with someone really is critical in building a future with them. And trying to get to know someone on a deeper level after first date sex is hard. Men are able to have first date sex and be applauded for it. Women have first date sex and are immediately judged in a negative light. Notice how its only referred to as the “walk of shame” when a woman is coming home in the outfit she wore the night before.

Unfortunately there is a double standard that will not go away and we will be judged by the man we choose to sleep with before forming a real connection. He will be wondering if he should even take us seriously. He will be wondering how many other men we have had first date sex with. He will be wondering how he didn’t even have to try, and now he knows us in the most intimate way with no effort on his part. I am not judging you or your choices, because I have been there before. And in my case I ended up dating him for about two years, but we never really formed a true bond. Sex came first and everything else came after. I never knew who he really was, and when I finally did, over one year later the relationship was in a quick downward spiral.

We hold the power in every relationship, but at times, surrender it to easily to keep a man. Sex has not, and will not ever keep a man. And let’s face it sex is power. Don’t be confused, sex is not a weapon, or a bargaining tool to use in our favor, but it is an option that we hold all the stock in. It is our decision as women to set the tone and direction for our relationships.

Give your heart the respect it deserves, cherish it, and know that it should be given to a man (or woman) who recognizes, and respects it as much as you do. And if your still in your ‘I just want to have fun and party all the time’ phase, then be that. Have fun and be safe. Hey, do you remember that time when that kid at school was a total jerk to you, pushed you, or made fun of you and made you cry, or when you had your first kiss? Remember how you felt? Of course you do because separating emotions from experiences is almost impossible. Take your time and do not rush into anything with anyone. Know yourself first, create your own world for yourself, and let a man find his way into it. Know your worth.

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