Tag: first dates

FIRST DATES & A LACK OF SELF AWARENESS

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Going on a first date after a dating hiatus is extremely nerve wracking. Little did I know that what I was wearing or how good my hair looked would not matter whatsoever in the first dates aftermath. What did end up mattering was a complete lack of self awareness on my part shown in the days after our date. That lack of self awareness ended up leading to a breakthrough in therapy, life and myself.

This was my first date with a handsome man I met a week prior while out with a friend. He and I made eye contact pretty quickly, and ended up in conversation later on in the evening for over an hour. We exchanged numbers, and not social media (I take no one seriously that asks for my socials instead of my number) and texted each other after we both made it home. Nothing outrageous at all, just the normal, it was great to meet you type texts. The next day, he texted letting me know that he would love to take me out and we went back and forth for a few days about our availability.

The date was set for the following week, and immediately my defensive walls went up without me realizing it. When he hadn’t texted me for a few days, I felt rejected and a bit upset. My thinking was, if he were truly interested, he would make more of an effort. I spoke to my married couple friends about it and explained the text exchanges between us. They called me out instantly! How dare them! Turns out they were right. My responses to him did come across as defensive, like I was writing him off. They told me to send a new text with days I was available for our date. I did just that, and he responded with a well planned date. Meanwhile, my wall of defense was still underneath the surface, rearing its ugly head, and rising like a phoenix from the ashes.

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Relationship Advice: 5 Signs He’s Just Stringing You Along

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Relationship Advice: He’s Not Too Busy, He’s Just Not Interested in You

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5 Step Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

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3tbsp of Butter (room temp)

1/2 Cup Sugar

1tbsp Brown Sugar

1 1/2 Cups Flour

1 Pinch of Cinnamon

1 Egg

1tsp Vanilla Extract

3/4tsp Baking Soda

1 Cup Peanut Butter

1 Cup Chocolate Chip Cookies

Preheat Oven: 350 degrees Continue reading →

We Met at the Lenny Kravitz Concert

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Have you ever seen the film, ‘Sliding Doors’, starring Gwyneth Paltrow? Here’s a short summary of the plot: The film follows Helen Quilley (Gwyneth Paltrow), a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. (imdb.com)

The film is amazing and of course so is Gwyneth Paltrow. There are all these little moments in our lives that happen everyday i.e. the street we take when we walk to the store, the daily drive home on the same freeway, choosing to go to Ralph’s market instead of Trader Joe’s, you get my drift. These are tiny blips on the radar of our lives, but these little decisions, can have huge consequences on our lives. And in the film we see this play out. So, why am I having an existential moment…yet again? Because, last night, at the Lenny Kravitz concert, I had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment. Let me break it down real quick…

My sister and I have been on a summer concert tour of sorts. We’ve gone to music and food festivals all summer, and last night, we watched the amazingly sexy, and insanely talented Lenny rock out. My sister has never really been into Lenny, but I have since about the age of 13, but she quickly changed her tune when she had the “Lenny” experience last night!

When I was purchasing the tickets online, I kept going back on forth on where I wanted us to sit. I changed my mind so many times, kept looking at the seating chart, then finally decided on the seats I eventually bought. We arrived at the greek about fifteen minutes after his opening act began, bought a few drinks, and headed inside. No one was sitting in the two seats next to us, and we were feeling excited and kind of happy that we’d have leg room to move around. Continue reading →

No, I Don’t Want to Hang Out With You

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 No, I Don't Want to Hang out with you
Remember when you went on dates? No, better yet remember when you would spend an afternoon getting ready for your date that night? Hair done, nails done, new outfit, manicure and pedicure…and wait, sometimes even new shoes too?! What happened to that? Am I just old, or has dating really died? Everyone is just “hanging out” and I’m not hanging out or in with anyone. Everyone is hanging out without me and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to hang out with someone, I want to date someone, fall in love, and ride off into the sunset on the magical unicorn I have mentioned once or ten times, on this blog. So, men of the world, please for the love of all things holy, stop asking us to “hang out” with you!

“Hanging out” is not a first date. Hold on let me address something else as well: Netflix and pizza is not a first date. I will repeat myself: NETFLIX and PIZZA is NOT A FIRST DATE. I’ve been seeing this ignorant post on Instagram about how Netflix and pizza is not a cheap date because of the following fees: rent, electricity, playstation, etc. And, this stupid post, actually has a plethora of likes and laughing emojis on it. Not to mention it also states that women are bitches and there are many women who have “liked” this post. After I clutched my pearls, and gathered my composure, I considered the sheer idiocy behind this thought. Paying rent for your apartment/home whatever, is your choice, so is the fact that you bought a gaming station, and a monthly subscription to Netflix, which was not purchased with the idea of, “Man, I am going to get laid so hard for this” so can we stop with this dumb ass train of thought?

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me revisit my issue with hanging out as a first date. When you like someone you clearly want to make an effort to spend time with them, and get to know them, right? Doing an activity together like hiking, lunch, biking, wine tasting, dinner, movie in the park…you get my drift, are just a few of the myriad of ways you can get to know someone. I hang out with people I know, like my dad, sister, and my short list of friends. I do not want to hang out with you on our first date…I want to get to know you on a much deeper level. Continue reading →

5 Signs He’s Just Stringing You Along

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5 signs

1) He Only Texts You

Can I just start this off with a short rant on my love/hate relationship with texting? Yes…great, because, here it goes. I love texting and I friggin’ hate it so much. Mostly I hate to for the same reasons why I love it! Argh…I am just a mix of emotions on this topic. Texting is great for those of us who don’t want to spend hours on the phone, but here’s the thing, I don’t want to spend hours on the phone, I want to spend hours interacting with you, face-to-face! Texting is very impersonal and there’s this new era of young whipper snappers (i.e. the 25 and under crowd), who are really satisfied with a goodnight or good morning text and feel as though that means he, “really likes me.” Ummm…whatever happened to actual voice conversations, and preferably the ones that take place among each others actual company.

Texting is easy. Texting is non-committal. Texting is the step-sibling to actual time and commitment. I kid you not, I met a guy one year ago, and he has been texting me ever since. We have not seen each other or spoken on the telephone. A year people! I in no way take him seriously, and you shouldn’t either. Yes, texting is fun and who doesn’t love a great back-and-forth, but actual time spent together is an investment in your foreseeable future. Good morning texts and goodnight ones for that matter, do feel really good, but not when it’s never been backed up with anything more than just that. If he is only texting you, then he has absolutely no intentions of investing actual time in you. Let it go.

2) He Never Gives You Details About His Life

Let’s re-visit one of my examples from number one, and refer back to the guy who has been texting me for over one year now. I once asked him what he did for a living and his verbatim response was, “Live life!” as though he was utterly offended that I would have the audacity to ask him a question about himself. That…that right there is what I’m talking about. If you don’t know small or large details about his life, it’s because he doesn’t need you to know. Why would he not need you to know? Because you don’t matter enough to share his life. You are not part of his future plans, so why would he take the time to let you really get to know him better?

Where does he live, are his parents still together, what are his plans for the next five years of his life, can you name his friends and have you spent time with them? I mean really, if he won’t answer even basic questions, or better yet freely tell you about himself, it’s because he has no plans of making you a permanent fixture in his life. Let it go. Continue reading →

5 Ways to Ease First-Date Stress

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5ways  

First Dates can be extremely nerve-racking and awkward, or is that just me? Finding someone interesting enough to have a first date with can be an obstacle in itself. You find someone you like, text or in very rare cases, actually speak to them on the phone, then you get asked out…yes!!! Now you have to figure out what to wear and this can be really difficult because unfortunately people judge each other first, based on appearances. So, do you wear a dress, a shirt, jeans, a suit and tie? Where are you going to go on your date? Dinner, a movie, museum, or coffee? Should he/she pick you up or should you meet them there? Should you flat-iron your hair or leave it curly? Get a haircut and a shave or wear your beard? Ack…this is too much! Here are 5 things you can do to ease the stress of a first date:

1) Talk to Your Date Prior to Meeting Up: Talking seems to be a lost art form that our parents once did after school, while listening to records on the jukebox and drinking milkshakes at the local burger joint. What happened to talking? Where the hell did it go, and can we bring it back? I vote yes. Talk to your date before you actually go on your date.

Don’t text plan the entire thing. I am not suggesting you have a three hour phone conversation about what type of cheeses you like, or your favorite wine, but connecting verbally gives you a sense of direction when it comes to how you feel about someone. Call them and discuss, what you both like to do for entertainment, or what you are interested in so that you can both enjoy yourselves on your date. How many times have you showed up to a restaurant that literally has nothing on the menu you want to eat, or suffered through a film or game you have no interest in for the sake of the date? Talk first, gauge your interests, and plan accordingly.

2) Let Your Guard Down Just A Bit: This is a biggie for pretty much all of us. We are a generation of people who constantly Tweet or Instagram how quickly we cut people off, don’t trust others, or are giving up on love. What the hell happened to us? Why are we so cynical and jaded? I think I am having an existential moment right now, but I digress. Letting your guard down-especially for me-is terrifying. Opening yourself up to rejection, heartache, pain and all of the other descriptive ways in which you can be hurt, is scary and can make you really nervous, especially on date one when you are already in a bit of a frenzied state. If you don’t open yourself up to all of the possibilities of love whether they be negative, or positive, then love will never find you. Let your guard down and allow them to really get to know the real you, which leads me to tip number three.

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How First Date Sex Can Screw You Over

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frstdatesex

First date sex can either be really great, super awkward or the only time this action happens with the person you are doing it with. Really great first date sex is just that…really great and may even turn into a few more dates that conclude in more great sex. Then there is super awkward first date sex that you do when you’re trying to get over an ex, or do because you really thought the guy/girl you met and talked to all night in the darkly lit bar was super cute, and the future love of your life. So, you get to their house and have awkward-you’re-not-as-hot-as-I-thought-you-were-but-I’m-here-so-let’s-just-do-this-kind-of-sex.

Then, there is the most repeated scenario these days: the one night stand sex, and you will either leave in the middle of the night, or fall asleep and escape at 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Why is it that waking up at 6:00 a.m. for work is literally the worst/hardest thing to do, but when escaping a one night stand, is the easiest action to accomplish and you didn’t even have your alarm set.?

 My friend came into my office and we had a first date sex debate. She stated, “I never give it up on the first date. I make them work for it…at least six months!” To which I replied, “Honey he can dump you after the first date, or just as easily six months later.” Here is my issue with first date sex: It can ruin everything! Okay that was super dramatic, but I have made the first date sex mistake a few times in my dating life, and I have come to the conclusion that it can speed up (an often one-sided) emotional attachment without an emotional attachment. The one-sided attachment formed is usually on behalf of us women, because once we surrender our body to someone we do form an emotional attachment to them whether we intended to or not. Continue reading →

My Live-In boyfriend Dumped Me Over Text

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dumped     
Relationships are hard. Relationships are amazing. Relationships are work. Relationships are beautiful. And relationships can be brutal. There seems to always be one person in the relationship who holds the “relationship cards” if you will. Meaning that they give less emotionally which in turn leaves them holding your emotional cards in their hands. Because you keep giving and giving to supply the emotional need(s) you are not getting from them. In my last relationship three years ago I dated a guy I’ll refer to as D…short for Douchebag.


D and I met at a time where I just began to exert my feminism and independence with confidence in my life. I had just moved into my first apartment-by myself-and returned to school. I felt amazing, beautiful, smart and accomplished. I also had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship or need to meet someone new, and I meet this D a few weeks later. Yes, weeks…four weeks to be exact.

I was not attracted to him physically, but after our first phone conversation, which can I just add, lasted four hours…I figured saying yes to him asking me out would not hurt. He told me he was part French and could help me with my French as I was studying the language in hopes of taking a backpacking trip there. He also liked the same type of music I liked, and was eager to explore LA, and try foods from all of the restaurants I told him I loved. 
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My Date with the Jokester

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My date thinks he’s a comedian. At least that’s how he acted. I felt as though I was his personal audience of one, and I did not know how to react to the perpetual spotlight he seemed to have carried around with him, along with his mic of course. The thing is we have had many phone and-of course in this day and age-text conversations and while he throws in jokes here and there, they are actually funny. What can I say he gives good phone! 

When we were out I expected to get to know the real him…no I actually hoped to get to the root of him, you know the meat, the insides, and see what was underneath the joking exterior layer he has presented to me since I met him over two months ago.

With this expectation in mind I agreed to our first date Friday night. We went the usual route and had dinner at my favorite Italian eatery (Al Fornaio) if you have not tried it, I suggest you do so immediately, but I digress. And followed dinner with a PinkBerry run and a movie. Pretty normal date activity, but there was something off, something that I could not quite understand about my date. He showed up late and did not call or text to say he’d be late.  


Honestly, I was not ready at our decided time, so I did not mind him being late, but it would have been nice if he would have acknowledged he was late, and at least apologized for it. Instead he made a joke about it. That was Joke #1. When he saw me he stated something to the effect like, “Oh I didn’t know this date was so formal…look at you all fancy!” That was Joke #2. Here’s my question…why not just say, “You look great.” Instead of making it into some weird self conscious thing? 

In the car on the way to the restaurant he continued with the jokes about helicopters and jogging suits and any other random thing he could think of interjecting into the conversation…we’ll just label those Jokes #4-#10 for the sake of this post. At the restaurant he seemed to have let his spotlight dim a bit, which I was very happy about, and we had conversation about all the regular first date subjects you tackle.
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Dating Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

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red-flags

When you are driving in your car and you see a yellow light in the intersection you are about to cross do you speed up to make it through, or do you slow down because you know the red light is going to flash soon? When you are crossing the street and the crosswalk signal has 5 more seconds to go on the countdown do you dart out in the street making a run for it, or wait because you know you won’t make it across in time and don’t want to risk it? As for myself I wait for the crosswalk and may speed up at the yellow, but if you are that risk taker then this post is for you.

 

Recently my friend got into a relationship with someone very quickly. I put relationship in quotes because I don’t think you can call it a relationship after two weeks, but I digress. She immediately is smitten and spends all of her free time with him, and they even make comments about living together and how they would raise their kids.
In the meantime, he had a girl living with him that he referred to as his ex-girlfriend who is his roommate because she owes him money, and has no family here, and he can’t throw her out on the street.

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The Problem with Dating Bad Boys

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I have heard the following statement come out of mine or my friends mouth, “It’s too hard to meet a good guy.” a million times. So much that I literally would be a millionaire if I got a quarter handed to me every time we said it. But I can’t help but wonder…is it really hard to meet a “Good Guy” or just a hell of a lot easier to meet a bad one. First off lets set the guidelines for what makes someone a “Good Guy” and what makes someone a “Bad Guy”. 

In my opinion a “Good Guy” is a man that is kind, respectful, confident, and there for me when I need him…Okay and yes has a job, his own place, wants to get married and preferably have 2.5 kids! And what constitutes someone being a “Bad Guy”? The bad guy exudes confidence in an obnoxious way, is disrespectful, a liar, cheater and completely undependable.

     
The problem with the Bad Guy, is that this is the man that most of us end up attracted to although we say he is everything we don’t want. Suddenly we meet him and he becomes everything we never knew we wanted! So what he only texts instead of calls…he’s busy right? So what he has not introduced you to his friends or family…he’s just waiting for the right time.