D and I met at a time where I just began to exert my feminism and independence with confidence in my life. I had just moved into my first apartment-by myself-and returned to school. I felt amazing, beautiful, smart and accomplished. I also had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship or need to meet someone new, and I meet this D a few weeks later. Yes, weeks…four weeks to be exact.
I was not attracted to him physically, but after our first phone conversation, which can I just add, lasted four hours…I figured saying yes to him asking me out would not hurt. He told me he was part French and could help me with my French as I was studying the language in hopes of taking a backpacking trip there. He also liked the same type of music I liked, and was eager to explore LA, and try foods from all of the restaurants I told him I loved.
After our first date things moved pretty quickly. He lived about an hour away and we would alternate weekends at each others homes. He became attached to me in a way no guy ever had before. Not in a needy way, but an I can’t believe I feel this way about you…kind of way, if that makes sense. A few months in he began to say the L-word. I did not reciprocate.
In a way I felt my new found independence was being infringed upon. I literally had no chance to even enjoy my new apartment, my solace in living alone, or just do all of the little things a single girl does when she finally lives on her own. But I never spoke up about how I felt. As usual I buried my feelings and let the waves of emotion sway my life in the direction they wanted me to go. D soon began talking about living together and I was horrified. Literally…horrified. But again just kept riding the waves…this would turn out to be one of the worst mistakes of my life.
Cut to eleven months later…one attempted break-up later (by him) as an emotional mind game to manipulate me, which totally worked. And here we are looking at apartments, separately, in our spare time. We never looked at apartments together. I just realized that. Wow. Anyway as we are getting ready to move in together I get fired from my job. I did not want to move in with him, but I buried the feelings and kept paddling on my surfboard along the waves.
Living together was a disaster. He yelled, never cleaned, hid a porn addiction (that I later discovered on his computer), cheated on me, and began to quickly show me who he really was. He was the complete opposite of everything he told/showed me in the first half of our relationship. D, would lie to his mom and friends and tell stories about me to make them distance themselves from me. He would constantly put me down and belittle my goals/dreams. The last six months of our relationship consisted of me crying…every…single…night…as he lay next to me asleep.
I did not have the nerve to break up with him, nor could I keep behaving like the perfect 1950’s housewife constantly cooking in-between work and school, and fighting, and crying, and hiding everything from my family and friends. One day he said he wanted to break-up and I cried in the bathroom for an hour. I wasn’t ready for it to end that way I wanted it to end my way, but didn’t know what “way” that was.
We got back together, but I poured myself into school and my family/friends. He would get so jealous and ask me why I spent time with my family, or say I would not get anywhere in life yadda yadda yadda. So one day at work I sent him a random text and he sent one back saying he was breaking up with me. That was it. After two years and all of the drama we were done.
One week later while he was at work my friends and I totally cleared out the apartment. He was left with a mattress and his computer he loved so much. I left with a renewed sense of self, and confidence that I will never allow anyone to break again. Having him gone was the best event that happened to me and my soul. I’ll never forget how I allowed myself to be treated and I don’t want to because it taught me how I want to be treated. Oh, and I never got that French lesson.
Twitter: @awkwardgirlla
Instagram: @toliveanddateinla
Wow girl, you just followed me on Twitter and I happened to follow back and check out your blog. I love how you are sharing these experiences.. I never got the chance to be single wild and free… Or really independent at all. I got married at 19 and we definitely had our crazy fights, and we are finally at a point where we are both matured and independent in our own ways. I can feel how much you learned and grew from that relationship… Like they say, the people we meet are either blessings or lessons. I hope you find a guy that respects your independence and treats you good!
Leaving them can be so hard, I went thru that 6 months ago. He smoked, I compromised, He was selfish, I stayed, He cheated..I stayed…almost 2 years of compromising myself, till I couldn't anymore, and I broke it off. And you know what he said that I was selfish…damn right because it's about time I put me first!!!
Kristen thank you so much…ssorry for my late response, but I literally just read your commment now! Wow married at 19…hmmm…I'd love to interview you about that if you're up for it. Thanks for reading my blog love!
I really feel we as women are taught from childhood to not be selfish. To put everyone else's needs before our own, to never say no. And we pay for it later. Thankfully he is out of your life and you acted selfishly! Thanks for reading love!
I'm down! 🙂
Fabulous! Can you email me your email address to AwkwardGirlLA@hotmail.com Thanks Love CJ
Checked your blog after chatting about Scandal on Twitter (love the show!). I'm really enjoying your expression and transparency. I look forward to learning more about your experiences and perspective. As a man, examining the similarities and differences is intriguing…even cathartic
I'm a guy who recently got out of a 5 year marriage. I felt like I was the person who was never selfish even though I was going through a period of life where selfishness is literally demanded of you–law school. I sacrificed everything to be a responsible, faithful, supportive husband. I'd even stopped visiting family members because my ex would get upset claiming that I was not spending time with her, even though any waking moment not spent studying or working was spent with her. I later realized that her actions were a control method and way for her to keep me secluded and more emotionally dependent on her. She had “daddy” issues because her father was not around so she depended on me always being there to fill her need for attention. But, I could never fill the emptiness she carried and that burden weighed against us. She held the “relationship cards”, and I let her no matter how unhappy it made me.
Despite my unhappiness, I kept hope thinking there'd be a “light at the end of the tunnel”. For me, that light was discovering that she was having an elaborate affair and wasting our money while I was working my ass off. Her constantly begging me to take her back was no consolation for feeling like I'd wasted so many years of my life and “young & single” years. The prize, however, was the valuable, albeit painful, lesson.
First, thank you for reading my blog and following me on Twitter. Okay so here's the thing you got burned…hell we all have, but that does not make it any less hurtful. What you went through suck, but thankfully it was 5 years and not 25 years. You bunkered down and made it through law school, which is not an easy task to accomplish, and you stopped allowing someone that only brought you unhappiness to stop controlling how you behaved. Because as we have all learned people treat us the way we allow them to. Be happy in knowing that you now know what you deserve and are willing to accept. Your comment can be helpful to someone going through the same thing.