Limerance is a bitch. It can have you believing this specific person is the only one for you. The person that will understand you in ways no one else will. This person not only will change your life but also fulfill every desire and fantasy you have ever had. They are beautiful, funny, interesting and going to be the love of your life. The only problem is you don’t actually really know this person because they are your crush and you have developed the feeling of Limerance.
What exactly is Limerance? Limerance is defined as: the site of being obsessed/infatuated with another person. Typically involuntary experienced and characterized by a strong desire of reciprocation of one’s feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (dictionary). You may be feeling this out of a need to fulfill something within you and once you realize you’re experiencing it, you also come to another realization: your crush ain’t shit.
Having a crush on someone feels so fun and giddy. You spend time fantasizing about them and how they will respond to you in scenarios imagined in your mind. They seem so amazing and wonderful, as if they were made just for you. In our minds we believe they are not only incredible, but everything they do is as well. The way they laugh, smile, dress etc. becomes apart of their appeal that also makes them seem irresistible to us. Soon we begin thinking of ways to communicate with them whether it be a random text about something they’re interested in, or an invitation to a casual event, we start to show our feelings in minor ways.
Our crush may even reciprocate the little ways in which we flirt, or show our attention to them. Maybe they like us back and it all falls into place for us. Then there are times when we continue to form our fantasies based on the emotions we are feeling for this individual. We constantly think about them and maybe even physically feel anxiety. In our minds, that can feel like the universe telling us this person is “the one” and that physical response is butterflies in our stomach. This person may not reciprocate our feelings, but we are so infatuated with them, that seems like an easy fix. This is Limerance.
Limerance has stages: You have an uncontrollable longing for this person and you do not know if they feel the same. You also may change things about yourself to sway how they feel about you. Thoughts of them consume you. Your mood may swing depending on how they interact with you; for example feeling elated when they text and brokenhearted if they don’t. Also feeling as though you need to impress them by looking perfect every time they see you.
Sometimes, well let’s be honest, most times your crush really ain’t shit. They are not the person you have built up in your mind. We can create entire scenarios, meet-cutes, date nights and vacation moments with someone in our head. Oftentimes projecting all of these expectations onto someone we haven’t taken enough time to actually get to know. Or, that we do know, but think it will all be different with us because we are “the one” for them. Limerance can be tricky and creates an attachment mainly to an idea of a person and not the real them. We have all been there. Recently I had a major crush at my big age and after a while decided to actually see this man for who he really is and not the fantasy I created of him in my mind.
Crushes are meant to be enjoyable and lighthearted. If you’re feeling brave and the recipient of said crush is open to hearing how you feel go for it! Otherwise distinguish whether these are real emotions or an obsessive fixation. Anxiety, attachment styles, and rejection can all be wrapped up in Limerance. So, how can we overcome Limerence? Focusing on your needs is a great way to start. Why are you fixated on this person, and is this a symptom of a need not yet met within? Therapy is amazing and not always accessible to all, so how about listening to mindfulness/meditative podcasts, books, and youtube sounds to create a place of calm in your emotional rolodex. Seeking external validation to feel good about yourself can keep you in a state of Limerance. Good luck and remember you are the catch! You are the chooser, deserving of reciprocated and healthy love.
Have you experienced Limerance? Sound off in the comments below! Thanks for reading!