Dating someone new is fun, scary, nerve-racking and mysterious all at the same time. It’s fun to be excited about a new person in your life. It’s also scary to let your guard down and be vulnerable, and I don’t know about you, but I love it when a new special someone gives me butterflies in my stomach. Well, then there is the mysterious part…Most times we are so busy enjoying the newness, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns that have suddenly appeared in our lives along with this new person, that we may not notice some other issues. One major issue I have dealt with in relationships past: Is he really over his Ex?
An ex-boyfriend of mine owned a cat. Let’s just say that besides being deathly allergic to them…I just do not like them in general. Yeah, okay, some of you may have just gotten pissed off, but hey I like dogs, don’t judge me! But I digress…So, my ex had a cat and one night my throat closed up and I could barely breathe from said cat, so he promised to vacuum and keep the cat in another room anytime I came over. While I did not like the whole ‘guy with a cat’ thing, I did really like him and I tried to deal with the cat.
One night while discussing our pasts he tells me that the cat is actually his ex-girlfriends cat that he inherited. Here’s my issue with this scenario…okay well here is my second or third issue with this scenario. Firefighter (did I forget to mention that we will be referring to him as firefighter? Sorry, we will be calling him firefighter because as you all know I don’t use names unless I have been given permission.) really, really, loved his cat. But I wanted firefighter to really, really love me, and every time I looked at that cat I saw the life he had before me with someone else.
And what’s worse is that I knew deep down he saw the same scenario every time he looked at his cat. Needless to say his cat…really “their” cat became a huge issue in our relationship, and the ghost of his girlfriend past was in the form of that cat. He was not over her. He lied to me and said he was. I allowed myself to ignore the lie thinking I would be the one to make him get over her. That did not happen. We broke up a few months later and after numerous false re-starts he finally admitted through a lengthy e-mail that he in fact had not been over her. He was holding onto that damn cat harder then he ever held onto me. We have since talked many times over the years and he is single, well not really, he still has his cat.
Getting over an ex can be very easy or tragically difficult. Dating someone new in hopes that they will help relieve your breakup pain is never okay. Just as ignoring obvious signs that your new special someone is still in love with their old special someone like I did. So here are a few signs I noticed and ignored:
1) If he talks about his ex with passion. Meaning he gets emotional in any way whether it be sad, or angry. Displaying these types of emotion shows that his ex can still effect him emotionally. Hence he is not over her.
2) He compares you or your actions to her. Example: “My ex loved Justin Timberlake too.” or “My ex was constantly nagging me about leaving the toilet seat up too.” Beware of any of these types of reactions towards your actions.
3) He still has vacation pictures of them up on his Facebook page. Or he still follows her Twitter or Instagram. There is literally no reason for any of these instances to be occurring.
4) Relationship Memorabilia: Now we all know sometimes people leave behind their belongings and instead of facing that Awkward exchange of returning them, they instead never come back to retrieve them. That being said your new boo should not be holding onto them either. Her clothes, pics, books, etc. should not be in his home, and should not be visible. Moving on means letting go.
5) Staying friends with an Ex. Okay, I am not on bad terms with any of my ex boyfriends. Ummm…wait I take that back because my last ex broke up with me over text even though we lived together. That was not and will never be okay. Remaining friends with an ex, and being on good terms with an ex are completely different relationships. I hang out with my friends, go to the movies, shop, grab drinks, text etc. These are activities your new man should not be doing with his ex on a day-to-day basis.
Not harboring anger, and dealing with his feeling/emotions towards his ex and working them out with her so that there is no anger/hatred is healthy. Make sure you are aware of the differences because hanging out with an ex is a slippery slope. Once you have sex with someone it is hard not to think about having sex with them again when you see them happy with someone else.
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