“Hanging out” is not a first date. Hold on let me address something else as well: Netflix and pizza is not a first date. I will repeat myself: NETFLIX and PIZZA is NOT A FIRST DATE. I’ve been seeing this ignorant post on Instagram about how Netflix and pizza is not a cheap date because of the following fees: rent, electricity, playstation, etc. And, this stupid post, actually has a plethora of likes and laughing emojis on it. Not to mention it also states that women are bitches and there are many women who have “liked” this post. After I clutched my pearls, and gathered my composure, I considered the sheer idiocy behind this thought. Paying rent for your apartment/home whatever, is your choice, so is the fact that you bought a gaming station, and a monthly subscription to Netflix, which was not purchased with the idea of, “Man, I am going to get laid so hard for this” so can we stop with this dumb ass train of thought?

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me revisit my issue with hanging out as a first date. When you like someone you clearly want to make an effort to spend time with them, and get to know them, right? Doing an activity together like hiking, lunch, biking, wine tasting, dinner, movie in the park…you get my drift, are just a few of the myriad of ways you can get to know someone. I hang out with people I know, like my dad, sister, and my short list of friends. I do not want to hang out with you on our first date…I want to get to know you on a much deeper level.
 Pump your brakes guys, I am not saying we-as in women-are looking to settle down, know your FICO score, time and date of birth and last four digits of your social security number on date one, but what we are looking for is a genuine connection. I want to have a random conversation with you about your likes, dislikes and that weird thing you used to do as a kid.

I want to know if you were ‘Johnny Nose Picker’ at school or if you were that popular guy who everyone had a crush on. I would love to hear about that time you went skydiving or if you believe in aliens. And, I want you to know that I love to cook, and think I am really awesome. I want you to put effort into me because I am going to put effort into you.

Hanging out seems like a euphemism for: ‘I’m not really that into you’ or ‘You are not worth the effort’ to me. All of a sudden “hanging out” is the new, “let me see if I like you.” But wait…didn’t you already like me? Why am I being put through this new hanging out test thing? And why can’t we actually be seen in public together, and why am I being invited to your house to watch a movie, why are you sitting so close, and is that your breath on my neck, and is that your hand moving up my thigh and…oh, that’s why.

Listen guys, most of us don’t need a $300 first-date, filled with bottles being popped, and you driving a Ferrari, but what we do need is to know that we matter to you. That you are as excited to get to know us as we are to get to know you. A date can range from grabbing a coffee (or tea in my case because I’m the only woman in America who doesn’t drink coffee) and perusing a bookstore (which I would love) to a concert, museum visit, dinner etc. just something that let’s us know, you put thought behind your decision to spend your time with us. Effort matters. Low on cash? Pack a lunch and picnic in the park. Also, group dates or bringing your friend along on a first date is a huge red flag and let’s us know you’re not really into us, or, you needed an escape plan…just in case.

This just happened to me. My first date in over two years last month was weird, and unsettling. Not only was this person not at all who I thought he was, but his friend was there the entire time, and they spent most of our “date time” arguing about political topics. Why on earth would I think this person was into me at all? Of course he wasn’t! Not only was his friend there, but he asked me nothing about myself, and there was no physical interaction whatsoever. I was asked out on date number two, and never heard from him again, which lets me also know that all he wanted was a hook-up, and when it didn’t happen, he disappeared.

If you just want to “hang out” with someone, then be really real and let them know that a commitment is not what you want, because that’s what “hanging out” on the first date is code for. Otherwise, take the opportunity to get to know him/her in a real way and decide if they are someone you want to keep in your life. In the end, we all want to be loved and give love, and in all honesty my time is just as important as yours. How awesome is it that out of all the things someone could be doing at any moment in time, they chose to spend their free time with you? Think about that for a second. That’s actually pretty amazing.