Confession time: I push people away, I find a fault or create one and use that as an excuse to run away from whoever I am dating at the time. I haven’t always been this way…or maybe I have, but I am really trying to change my ways. There was one person in particular-I will refer to him as Mr. J-yes that moniker is completely unoriginal, but I am 98% sure he does not read my posts so using that lame moniker is totally okay in this instance.
I met Mr. J last fall and it took me no time to like him as a friend. He was the most confident, self-assured, smart, creative, laid back guy I had met in a long time. We talked until the next morning the first time we had a phone conversation and did the same on our first date. He was not the usual type I date, which made him even more interesting.
I pushed him away from the start, and convinced myself that I did not like him and only wanted him as a friend. Then something happened and I began to really like him…that’s where all the trouble started. In fact that’s where all the trouble usually starts for me.
We began to spend a lot of time together, but not in the weird type of way where you think that person is perfect and don’t see their flaws. He saw my flaws and I saw his, but we discussed them one night and while we had the conversation I was the most nervous I had ever been in my life. Why? Because I never have those types of conversations because I am too busy pushing someone away, or making a joke, or changing the subject so that these types of conversations never get a chance to be had.
After that night I saw him in a totally different way and could actually see a future with him. This scared the hell out of me and I began to see and find reasons why we could never work. I convinced myself we were incompatible on all levels, that I was not really attracted to him, that he was too nice, that he was a neat freak-although I am-but he went too far in his “neat freakness” and I had to end it just because of that.
Then he did something weird, and I didn’t like it. I emailed him telling him I didn’t like it, he texted me, I texted him, and there we were over. What was the weird thing he did? He mailed me the stuff I accidentally left at his house instead of letting me pick it up.
This was extremely off-putting and my girls and I had many conversations about this. He didn’t see the big deal in it, but I was hurt. And when I am hurt I push the person who hurt me away, and that’s exactly what I did. It wasn’t all my fault, because he didn’t even try to push back, and when he called one night, and did not leave a message I saw that as the end.
We did not stop all communication though. Every once in a while we would drop each other a line or Happy Birthday message on Facebook. This year I turned 31 and realized that as long as I keep pushing people away I’d never allow myself to really give and receive love. And I vowed to change my ways, stop serial dating, and stop pushing people away.
I contacted him through email, and made casual conversation, which he responded to and we went back and forth for a while. Needless to say that’s where it started and stopped. I wanted to tell him to his face how I really felt about him when we were dating, and that I wanted to see if we could give it another try, but he did not contact me again.
Mr. J is not a bad guy, but neither am I and I hope that he is happy with whoever it is he may be dating now. I realize that pushing people away due to fear, or whatever reason you may have only hurts you in the end. Open yourself up to love and although it may not come in the way you expect it you should still give it a chance. It’s better to try and fail then to always wonder what could have been.