When we are in relationships we love to share everything with our boo, but sometimes ladies, we share way to damn much. You all know I am a huge feminist, and am very tongue-in-cheek, so I may get some slack for this list but here it is anyway. And before you get all crazy on me, there is a list for the guys as well. Read, laugh, share and enjoy!
1) Showing him your Spanx: Spanx for those who are unaware are extremely tight, restricting, and binding undergarments that make you look like a mummy underneath your dress, and suck in all your fat, push up your boobs, and flatten your tummy. We all have them in some form or another so let’s just keep that to ourselves and not reveal that we have bound our thighs in fabric so tight we have to walk at a slight angle.
It’s an amazing secret we have! He doesn’t need to know that your amazing cleavage is being supported by two little people under your breasts holding them up at perfect peaks. And is it that important that he think you really did 1,000 sit-ups to get your tummy so tight? No, because guess what you look hot as hell in that dress, and it makes you feel good, and every actress in America wears them, so like I said let’s just keep it to ourselves ladies.
2) Burp or Fart: Here’s the thing about burping and farting…it’s as we all know a natural way for our body to expel some of the air that’s inside of it right? Once my brother burped a really foul smelling burp and blew it in my face. Ugh, just typing this brings the flashback in my mind and I sware I can smell that corn-nut/soda/stanky ass smell as I type, but I digress. He laughed and so did his immature friends, and I of course wanted to kick him in the nuts, but I digress again. That’s the thing about burping and farting, boys think they are hilarious when other boys do them. It’s like their guy call or something, how they choose to bond while playing playstation, or drinking beers and watching football.
My point is burp and fart, just not on the first date! Let’s give it a while! If you’re in a situation where you absolutely have to burp or fart use this method: You burp while “coughing” or fart while walking so as least it goes into a crowd and doesn’t linger behind you like a huge stank arrow pointing at your tight butt in your Spanx. And if you just have to do it, go for it…hell start a burping/farting competition if it works for you!
3) Say the following: “Am I fat?”, “I feel so fat today.”, “I can’t eat that, I’m too fat.”, “Does this dress make me look fat?”: These type of sentences make men cringe. Sometimes out of comfort we ladies (and men) will put on a few pounds in our relationship right? It happens, so get up and go look in the mirror…see any extra fat that wasn’t there previously? Get yourself to the gym or accept yourself the way you are. Whatever the choice, do not complain about it. No one wants to hear about how fat you think you are, especially your man because guess what? He loves you as you are. And if he doesn’t tell him bye bye.
4) Use the bathroom: Once my ex-boyfriend was in the bathroom and had been in there for so long I actually became worried. After deliberating on how to handle the situation I hesitantly knocked on the bathroom door and when he answered I took that as a sign he was okay and opened the door figuring he was probably shaving or I don’t know using my bathroom products. To my horror he was sitting on the toilet with his laptop on his thighs and his guitar next to him. Why? Why? Why? did he think this was okay? I’m sure you’re wincing and/or completely disgusted by this little tale right? No matter what its not cool, not at your house, on vacation, on Mars, or Jupiter. So stop it now. Being comfortable in your relationship feels good and safe, but seeing your partner on the toilet is team too much.
5) Talk negatively about other women i.e. “She thinks she is so hot…”, “She looks like a hoe in that dress…”: Women love to put other women down. It’s a sport. We see a gorgeous girl, a skinny girl, a smiley girl, a girl at work, a girl in the grocery store, a girl in a BMW next to us at a red light, a girl talking to a guy, a girl talking to a girl, a girl walking her dog, a girl in our classroom and we (sometimes) attack. No bueno ladies. If you must say something negative or are just having a bitchy day, then that’s okay, but save that type of behavior for girl time with your friends. Don’t do it while you’re on a date with him, or watching Kim Kardashian on tv, because that just makes the woman you are bitching about the center of your mans attention. And he sees you as insecure or jealous. So stop, you’re dope.
6) Gossip: Every time I watch The Real Housewives (come on we all watch, so don’t go judging me) the “wives” are always having gossip sessions with their men. What the hell is that about? Let me just say this before I continue: If there is one thing girls like to do its talk, and I am in no way putting us down, because I have participated in gossip, nor am I saying this is all we women like to do. Also, not all gossip is bad gossip. So don’t get all excited and think I’m reducing us to petty gossips who constantly trash each other because I am not.
I am however keeping it real and saying that yes we do like to partake in a little (or a lot) of gossip sometimes, whether it be about that co-worker that always gives us the stink eye, or about the latest celebrity feud, it happens. There is a difference between gossiping with your girlfriends and telling your boo the entire rundown of your circle. No man wants to sit and listen to you go on and on about your girl drama for hours on end. If you want to tell him a few tidbits here and there space it out girl. Give yourself a time limit when you tell him the story that way you’re just sharing your day, not gossiping, and moving onto being with your partner in a drama free environment.
7) Wax your facial hair: Do I really need to say anything about this? Really? Don’t do it…Ever, ever, ever. It will never be okay. I don’t care what argument you use to fight me on this one, I rebuke your reasons. Don’t do this. We need privacy on some things. Not because facial hair is gross because its not, but bathroom time alone is precious. Take it and love it.
8) Clip your toenails: Guys do this in front of us all the time. I had an ex that did this, and I saw a guy on Maury years ago who’s wife did this for him. Listen if you have a foot fetish doing this for each other and in front of your man makes perfect sense. If you do not fall into that group then why would you ever do this?
Clipping your toenails and having your toenail chips flying across the room is not sexy. Clip them in the bathroom on your own, or treat your fabulous self to a pedicure, just do not clip your toe nails in front of him. It’s something our grandmas do, and do you want to remind him of his grandma? I didn’t think so.
9) Talk about your period: Periods suck. It’s one of those aspects of being a woman I truly wish none of us had to experience. Yes, having a period allows you to have a baby…okay wonderful great, but it also sucks sometimes: wearing white pants is a risk, you’re bloated. We go from wanting sweet cookies to salty chips in a ten minute span, want to drop kick that co-worker you were previously gossiping about, hate the world, love the world, a shark will eat you if you’re in the ocean, we have to wear tampons or pads, don’t always feel so-fresh etc. Does any of that sound familiar? He can sympathize but not empathize. Let him love on you and go buy your tampons instead. Discuss it in length of course if you’re charting your fertile days to get pregnant, then I wish you luck.
10) Complain about the size of your breasts: Boobs, men love them. They love to look at our boobs, touch them, talk about them, and dream about them. When they see us it is one of the first body parts they look at, and at times the only things they can focus on when we are talking to them, but that’s just our lot in life sometimes ladies.
So why on earth would you ever put them down in front of him? If you don’t like your breast size go buy a padded bra. Still not satisfied? Go get breast enhancement surgery. Have a medical issue, then see a medical doctor, psychiatrist or therapist. If you want to discuss your issue with your man go ahead, but do not put yourself or your wonderful breasts no matter what their size down in any way. You are so beautiful no matter what and if he truly loves you he already sees you as the beauty that you are, no matter what size your breasts are.
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