1) Commenting on our friends, sisters, cousins, co-workers looks: This can either go horribly wrong or kind of right. For example: “Your mom is so beautiful you look just like her.” and then there is, “Yeah…your sister’s boobs are bigger than yours, but all I need is a handful.” (No this is not a made up example either, but I digress.) Look, its not like we expect you to not look at, desire or feel attracted to anyone else, but hearing how fine/hot/beautiful/pretty you think our best friend/sister/co-worker is, is not on our list of things we want to hear.
Why? They are to close to home and to close to you. This is a scenario we see constantly played out in movies, television dramas and Maury Povich, so the last thing we want to equate with you is getting a phone call from Maury’s producer. Thinking someone is beautiful does not mean you are going to cheat on us with them either, but would you want us telling you how sexy we think your brother is? Didn’t think so.
2) Trying to solve all of our problems for us: Guys we understand you are natural problem solvers but when we are venting about our co-worker Tanya (listen I don’t care how mature you are, we all have that one co-worker that just irks the hell out of us). For example, “Tanya flirts with everyone and it pisses me off! I’m sure she’s sleeping with our boss because she wouldn’t have gotten that raise otherwise!” Pause right here.
What are you supposed to say to that? Should you try and solve this dilemma for her? Are you supposed to agree that Tanya is a slut? Do you tell your girl she may be reacting a bit over-the-top? No to everything! Just listen and please don’t try and come up with a plan of action unless we ask. We have been dealing with Tanya for a long time now and know what we need to do, but we can’t talk about her with anyone at work so we at times need to vent about it to you. Please put the whiteboard, markers, and note cards away…we got this.
3) Texting/DM/Instant Messaging pics of your wiener: Let’s just be clear about this one okay guys. The days of being fascinated by how your wiener looks left when we started having sex. We know what it looks like and do not need to have it saved in our phones memory, e-mail database, or IM screen. There is nothing wrong with sexting and building up the anticipation of a night of amazing sex, and a few naughty texts are always great, but the constant influx of pics of you standing in the bathroom mirror naked with the toilet behind you in the background is starting to get old. If you must, one is enough…trust me. I always say that if a man really wants to turn me on he should text the following: When I get home I am going to pick you up, throw you on the bed, grab the…vacuum and clean the carpet. If you did this, I’d be home, naked, and waiting.
4) Using the bathroom in front of us/leaving the bathroom door open: I also wrote about this for us ladies so stop rolling your eyes guys. There is a comfort factor that settles in between couples and a little bit of the shall we say “mystery” dies. I know, I know, you guys are men and in essence go to the bathroom in front of other men all the time right? So what’s the big deal? Let me clarify what I mean by using the bathroom in man terms…taking a dump. There I said it, it’s out there.
Close the damn door, do not talk to me through the door, do not tell me about the size of your crap, do not comment on the smell of it, but do be a gentlemen and give me a quick, non-descriptive warning me before I go in after you. Let me also state that taking in a book, magazine, laptop, guitar, cell phone or whatever prop you need is also your prerogative, but don’t you ever in hell bring it out, and hand it to me, without wiping it down with a sanitizing wipe or spraying it with Lysol. That is all.
5) Scratching your balls and/or sitting in front of the TV with your hand down your pants: Okay Al Bundy, you sitting in front of the television with your hand down your pants is not sexy. You scratching your balls mid conversation at the mall is not sexy. You adjusting your balls while walking in the grocery store is…not…sexy. We get it sometimes your balls land in an awkward place and need to be shifted, but can you be a bit more discreet about it, or excuse yourself when you do it, or just say excuse me when you do it in front of us? Not to mention that your balls can also get very sweaty, so when you’re sitting in front of the TV or computer with your hands down your pants we know you’re either jacking off or adjusting said sweaty balls. In any case you need to be more aware of others around you, wash your hands, and while your at it wash your balls.
6) Asserting your manhood in disrespectful ways: This is an issue I see, hear or experience often whether it be on Twitter, Facebook, in real time or overheard. I am not saying ALL men do this, but unfortunately there is a large majority of women that have experienced this behavior. Why am I so hot/fine/beautiful when you’re approaching me at the store/club/school/church (yes I said church), but all of a sudden I’m a stuck up bitch when I decline your advances and don’t give you my number?
Why do we (women) have to be put down in order for you to build yourself up and prove how manly you are? Why do you “check me” or talk down tome in front of your friends? Don’t ever put your woman down or decide to discuss last nights argument in front of your friends or family members. It’s childish behavior that has long term negative effects on your relationship. Also, you putting her down or calling her out in front of her when she is with your friends may also lead to one of your friends taking your spot. I’m just saying.
7) Refer to her as your “Bitch”: There is so much I can say about this, but I will keep it short and to the point. Your momma is a bitch, and so is your grandma. You feel that? That anger, or what the hell did she just say feeling that is swirling through your mind? Good. Think about that every single time you think it’s cute, funny, adoring, or loving to call your girlfriend or wife your bitch. Guys, I don’t fully blame you on this one because there are women and girls who refer to themselves as bitches, but let’s just all really think twice about what we are doing. Your daughters are hearing this and in some cases reading it on your twitter or facebook feeds.
Is this the example that we want them to grow up with? That if a man loves you he will disrespect you by calling you a derogatory name? You would never walk up to your grandma and say, “Grandma you know you my bitch.” so don’t say it to your woman, and if she calls herself that why not say to her that she deserves to be referred to as so much more, like, your boo, honey, love of your life, sweetheart, favorite person, snookums anything else besides your bitch. If that still doesn’t keep her from calling herself your bitch, hell play her some Queen Latifah ‘Unity’ that will save any lost soul.
8) Compare her to another woman: Can I just say that being compared to another woman in anyway by you ‘effin sucks. When we see you looking at a video girl, porn star or magazine pic we are totally okay with that until you start comparing and expecting us to behave or look the same way. You know all magazine pictures are heavily photo shopped and airbrushed. You also know that your fave video vixen has on heavy make-up and all of the other fixings which enhance them as well.
You are very aware that the women in the porn videos you are watching are being payed to behave that way, so why on earth do you expect us to act the same? If you want to try something new in bed just say so! If you like for your woman to look a certain way then you should date those types of girls, and if you would like us to do something for you that we have not done before again, just tell us, but please don’t compare us.
9) Whipping out a new sex move without properly preparing us first: Sex is amazing. Sex feels incredible, but sometimes sex can be dangerous. Case in point; you’re watching porn, or looking up Kama Sutra moves, or listening to your friend tell you about his latest sexcapades and say to yourself, ‘Damn! My girl and I have to try that!’ Cut to that evening when you’re both in bed kissing, touching, anticipating…and during sex you decide to try your new move you learned, and she’s not ready, so as you go to turn her over/upside-down/horizontal you end up kicked in the face, or she ends up kneed in the stomach.
New sex moves are always fun to try and most women are up to do them with you, but seriously dude don’t try and be Tarzan on your own…remember even he had Jane. Communicate, plan, draw a diagram, make a PowerPoint presentation if need be, just prep us first.
10) Acting like a psycho over your sports team/Ridiculous sports superstitions: I am a huge Laker fan and can be annoyingly loud. I’m obnoxious when a play doesn’t go my way and I also scream at the TV as if Kobe can hear me. It’s terrible. You know what else is terrible…you doing the same things but times 1,000. Here is the thing guys, we understand your loyalty and we even understand that you think not washing your game day underwear for a week helps your team to win. We also understand that you refer to the team and its players as “we” although you don’t actually play. We get that the refs are idiots, blind, being bribed, are making the wrong calls etc…etc…
Sure, we know that you must paint your face your team colors, rock your team jersey, tailgate, scream like a banshee, and at times even cry when they don’t win the championship. What kind of teammate would you be if you did not perform your game day rituals right? Don’t stop being your weird, fanatical, loud selves, but please don’t think any less of us if we do not want to be pulled into your ring of cray cray.