I Never Got to Wear My Wedding Dress

 wedding

One day in 2009, Halloween to be exact, my mom and I went shopping at the mall and began looking for wedding dresses. Let me set the scene; my ex-boyfriend and I had been together over one year and he wanted us to move in together. I did not. I have written about him before…he’s the jerk I lived with and broke up with me over text message. Yes, that happened. Anyway we moved in together after all, and things were going well…and when he told me he wants to marry me I said, sure.

The conversation pretty much went like this: Him: We should get married…maybe next summer? Me: Okay, maybe we can go to Jamaica. So…ummm…yes that’s how the conversation went. I mentioned it to my mom a few months later and here we were in the mall on Halloween and decided to go look at wedding dresses. First we went to Saks. My mom wanted to buy me one of those ten thousand dollar wedding dresses, and I thought that was the craziest idea ever, because who the hell really needs a dress that costs that much? I had the brilliant, (but not highly favored by her), idea to go over to the David’s Bridal store across the mall parking lot and just well, grab something.

 When I walked into the store the sales woman immediately approached us and started asking me so many questions, and at such a speedy rate, that I just nodded yes to everything. Literally, anything she asked, said, or did, I just said yes! I don’t know why I became so discombobulated when she was firing all of these questions and suggestions at me, but I did. I honestly felt scared. Remember when you were little and your parents would turn off the light in your room, and you’d look over at your closet, knowing nothing was really in there, but convincing yourself that something or someone was? That’s how I felt. Like there was this monster inside the closet and I couldn’t figure out why.

The salesgirl immediately took me to a rack of dresses and then proceeded to tell my mom and I that they were all on a six month free finance charges plan if you open a credit card with the store. She quickly asked me my size and pulled out about five dresses. Asking me which ones I like, and I again stood there silently nodding yes or no, and looking at my mom to save me. Seriously you guys I felt like that monster in my closet was getting closer to grabbing me and I just wanted my mom to be my rescuer.

Going into the dressing room I began to actually feel excitement, but it was that excited feeling of trying on a gown, which I had never done before. Well, not since prom anyway! I stepped out of the dressing room in a few choices waiting for my mom to start crying like all the mom’s do on those wedding dress shows. You know, the girl comes out in her gown and everyone crumbles into pools of tears and she says, “Yes!” to the dress…well, that didn’t happen and I didn’t really feel anything either. I tried on a strapless taffeta gown that I thought was pretty and said to my mom and the sales girl that I liked the dress, and that I would wear it if I were to get married.

After changing out of it the sales girl leads us to the counter and says we should fill out these forms, and my mom and I did. She says, “Great! You’ve been approved, let me just wrap this up for you!” I stared at my mom and she stared at me. Our eyes were so wide, but neither one of us said anything verbally. Really, both of us looked at each other with paralyzing fear. No joke, ten minutes later as we walked back to the car with my wedding gown in hand I turn to my mom and blurt out, “What the hell?! Why didn’t you say anything? Why do I have this dress?!” My mom just answered that she was waiting for me to say no. She was right, I’m an adult, and I should have stopped this craziness.

I hid the dress from my boyfriend the entire time we lived together by keeping it in my closet at my parents house. The idea of getting married faded as quickly as it started. He cheated, hid a porn addiction, lied constantly, and I moved out eleven months after moving in with D. I never really wanted to move in with him, but I thought it was just me being a jerk and pushing him away. It wasn’t. It was my intuition telling me he was not the one for me.

Just like when my intuition tried to tell me to get the hell out of that bridal store, but I didn’t listen. In reality the dress was never really the issue, it was just a ban-aid I put on a growing wound. Tonight, I put the gown on eBay because I need it out of my life. It’s been over three years and I had just left it hanging up in the back of my closet never even removing the tags from it. Letting go of the dress surprisingly does not hurt, but makes me feel very hopeful and happy about my future.

 Have you had to let go of a piece of your past? Did you not make your walk down the aisle?
Sound off below…thanks for reading! xo Jonesie
Pinterest: @AwkwardGirlLA

15 thoughts on “I Never Got to Wear My Wedding Dress

  1. CF Winn says:

    Sorry you had to go through that. It sucks when we don't listen to ourselves. I didn't and actually got married…and I also have a wedding dress I never wore even though I was legal bound to my ex…long story. I have however, finally come forward with what happened in true Taylor Swiftesque form – on my blog. The good news is that I love the dress and really bought it with only me in mind, not him, so I will keep it until I find the right “fit”.

  2. Willie Stylez says:

    WOW! If that's not the most craziest, but understandable thing I've ever heard! Just wow! I mean your intuition was probably SCREAMING silently at you and you weren't even able turn around slow down! But it sounds like you didn't let things continue to spiral out of control, because 11months is not bad for getting out of a situation like that! I spent 18mos with a woman trying to get that “right fit” in our relationship. And another 6 months trying to get away from her!!! The 2yrs wasn't “wasted”, just too damn long for the quick lesson I could have learned in 6mos or less! SMH!

  3. Jean Marie says:

    You listened to your gut 🙂

    I finally threw out love letters. And “I'm not in love with you” letters after sometime. Sounds dumb, but I was afraid of letting go, even to the painful memories. And worried no one might love me again so much… silly now! I don't miss them and the fiance is a much better man, lover and human being. Tossing those letters was therapeutic and hard, but let me enjoy love again. Trust your gut! Brave of you and thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry that loser hurt you.

  4. Jess Alter says:

    That is a kick-in-the-gut entry that put tears in my eyes.

    The excitement you experienced with your mom (and especially that moment of mutual shock that you had bought that dress together) is so beautifully written. That shared journey to a wedding dress exposes a love bond between you and your mom. Hopefully, that dress will continue its own adventure and make it to the altar–while another waits to go with you up an aisle to a man who will love and respect you for the rest of your life.

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