Tag: single

5 Signs That You’ll Never Be His Girlfriend

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Dating sucks. Okay, that was a harsh opener. Dating is a mix of emotions; nervousness, excitement, joy and awkwardness. When you like someone, your brain produces endorphins which trigger an actual physical and emotional response in your body. This is what causes the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling every time you are near your crush, and it feels damn good.

Having someone in your life feels like you’ve eaten pizza, ice cream, chocolate, and the best red wine you can find all at once, and not gained a pound at all afterward. It’s a feeling of intimacy that we all deserve to experience, but since dating can be so complicated, how do we know if our “situation” is leading towards something more…a relationship. Here is my list-because you all know I am a complete genius on the subject-of five signs that he (or she) are never, ever, like ever, going to take things to the next level with you…ever:

1) He Only Texts You:Ugh…you guys, texting is the bane of my existence. Remember when a guy liked you and actually picked up the phone to call you? I remember a boy calling me in the sixth grade, this was circa 1990, and I was so excited that I literally screamed. Then, we had pagers and you would send someone a numerical page, okay let me explain for all you youngsters who have no idea what I am referring to because you’ve grown up in the cell phone only days: Pagers were dope. Pagers were so fly and we all had one-mine was purple-and came up with words you could create using numbers, and certain number combinations meant different things. If someone texted you the combo 143 it meant I love you. Guys called you because they had to! They couldn’t send a text.

In high school a guy had a crush on me and wrote me letters almost weekly for an entire school year. Now, you have no idea what a guys handwriting even looks like. If you had to pick him out of a line-up based on his handwriting alone…you’d be screwed. You’d be all, ‘I’m sorry detective I have no idea who this handwriting belongs to. Can you have him send me a text?’ Now, all we get are bathroom selfies with the toilet seat in the background.

If he sets up all your “dates” through text, has not picked up the phone once to call you, and every text session escalates quickly into sexting, then you my friend, are not going to be his girlfriend. Listen, I do not think you have to have hour long, daily phone conversations to establish a relationship, but I know that texting takes absolutely no effort. Picking up the phone, hearing someone’s voice and establishing an actual intimate connection does.
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Can’t I Be Smart and Pretty?

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In the first grade I was the best reader in my class. Actually I was the fastest reader, speller and everything else you like to be in the first grade. In the second grade I really stepped my “smart game” up and began reading chapter books, practicing cursive writing and studying spelling words like they were the Holy Grail. My school wanted to skip me up one grade but my dad said no-to which I am still pissed about, but I digress…yeah dad, I’m still mad at you for that one-so I continued to push myself further and further, studying every single day.

My siblings and I went to private school in Redondo Beach, Ca. For my lovely readers unfamiliar with this city, it is obviously a beach city here in L.A. and in the late 80’s, let’s just say outside of my siblings, there were maybe two other black kids there. My first day of school I literally raised my hand and answered every single question that the teacher asked the class. Literally raising my hand before anyone else…on purpose. I distinctly remember answering a question the teacher asked and a boy next to me saying, and I quote, “Wow…you really are smart!” That was all the fuel I needed to light my “I am smart” fire.

Soon teachers began questioning every test or assignment I turned in. They’d ask me who I cheated off of, or who helped me. One teacher even made me re-take a test I easily aced, because how on earth did this little black girl come in and win. More fuel thrown on my fire. I craved knowledge, learning about any and everything I could. I took piano and won every recital I was in. I read more books then anyone else and did my first book report on Lucille Ball, my comedy idol I’d grown to love while obsessively watching re-runs of her at home. I sang in the choir and memorized my Easter Sunday speeches so well that they would assign me the biggest and longest speeches purposely. I started acting in plays at school and would memorize not just my role, but the entire play often helping kids with their lines while on stage. I wasn’t even out of grade school. I was smart. I was smart. I was smart.  Continue reading →

If You Chase Him…He Will Run

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 I love guys. I love the way they smile. I love the way they smell. I love how they put their hand on your neck while kissing you. I love men. When I am interested in a guy I expect it to be all easy and sparkly. I want him to bump into me while I’m at the bookstore, reach for the same book on the shelf, touch my hand, feel my sparkle and fall in love with me. What has been my pattern is finding and chasing the most emotionally unavailable men of the Los Angeles area.

 

Here’s how it goes down: I meet someone who I am attracted to. He may or may not be attracted to me, which I usually have no clue of, because as usual they never just tell me how they feel, so I set out to “find out” if they do. Hence the emotional unavailability. This is when the chase becomes a game I set out to win. I suddenly become a lion chasing after the gazelle in the wild. Letting someone know you are interested in them is amazing. It’s a risk that you take and you literally roll the dice hoping that he/she will pick them up, kiss them, and place them in your hand, along with their heart.

Sometimes, love sucks. Like when you are so into someone and they are not reciprocating your feelings. I’m way to scared to say what I’m thinking when I do have feelings for someone. In my head it’s like, ‘Hey you cute guy, I like you, and you should totally like me, let’s go hang out at the bookstore, and ride unicorns on sparkly highways for the rest of our lives.’ In person, I’m totally awkward, talk a lot, and make random self-deprecating jokes out of nervousness when I’m around someone I like. If I see or feel an inkling of that person maybe, sort kinda, just a tad, almost, kind of a little bit liking me back…the lioness in me roars it’s awkward head and he becomes the gazelle that I must chase, capture and keep locked up in my heart.  Continue reading →

I Never Got to Wear My Wedding Dress

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 wedding

One day in 2009, Halloween to be exact, my mom and I went shopping at the mall and began looking for wedding dresses. Let me set the scene; my ex-boyfriend and I had been together over one year and he wanted us to move in together. I did not. I have written about him before…he’s the jerk I lived with and broke up with me over text message. Yes, that happened. Anyway we moved in together after all, and things were going well…and when he told me he wants to marry me I said, sure.

The conversation pretty much went like this: Him: We should get married…maybe next summer? Me: Okay, maybe we can go to Jamaica. So…ummm…yes that’s how the conversation went. I mentioned it to my mom a few months later and here we were in the mall on Halloween and decided to go look at wedding dresses. First we went to Saks. My mom wanted to buy me one of those ten thousand dollar wedding dresses, and I thought that was the craziest idea ever, because who the hell really needs a dress that costs that much? I had the brilliant, (but not highly favored by her), idea to go over to the David’s Bridal store across the mall parking lot and just well, grab something.

 When I walked into the store the sales woman immediately approached us and started asking me so many questions, and at such a speedy rate, that I just nodded yes to everything. Literally, anything she asked, said, or did, I just said yes! I don’t know why I became so discombobulated when she was firing all of these questions and suggestions at me, but I did. I honestly felt scared. Remember when you were little and your parents would turn off the light in your room, and you’d look over at your closet, knowing nothing was really in there, but convincing yourself that something or someone was? That’s how I felt. Like there was this monster inside the closet and I couldn’t figure out why.

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90 Days on Match: Fu*k those Match Commercials

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Listen, all of these insane, never going to happen, literally not based on anything but one fact in common like, ‘You both like dogs!’, Match.com matches are absolutely ridiculous! Week four has felt like a complete waste of time. During weeks 1-3 I figured I had to give it time, and see if the Match system could work in my favor…damn that, this site is absurd. Why my anger? Those super fake Match.com commercials that air all day. This is why they annoy me:

#1) Match.com asks you to sign up to be a featured member, which will include being in a Match commercial.

#2) The people in the commercial literally look perfect.

#3) The daters in the commercial all have these “Oh so busy lives”, like running marathons, working in fashion, etc. and just have not one minute in their day to try and find someone new.

Leading a busy life is real. Working an amazing job is real. Going on a date with a perfect looking man/woman is real. What is also real is that Match does not in any way try to actually Match you with…well, your Match! I’ve already explained how their system works in weeks 1-3 posts so I won’t re-hash all of the semantics. What I will discuss or type, or bitch about is the lack of effort from this company and the overstated claims they preach about in these commercials. Continue reading →

3 Reasons Why He Didn’t Call

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Dating sucks. First dates especially suck. It’s like you’re interviewing someone to decide whether or not they will play a role in your life and, let’s be frank, gain access to your lady parts. So, you meet a guy (or girl), exchange numbers, text for a few days, talk on the phone and decide you are interested, then comes the first date. Excitement at this point is at an all time high. For me it’s a mix of excitement and nausea, but I digress. No matter what you’re feeling there is always a hope that this person will become your “person”.

The first date goes really well and you end up talking for hours, he kisses you goodnight and tells you he had a great time…Cut to three days later and you still haven’t heard from him, so you think that he’s probably just playing it cool and send him a quick text to let him know you had a great time. Here it is two weeks later and it’s been total radio silence. You can’t help but wonder what the hell happened right? Did my breath stink, was my game off, what did I do?! Here are three reasons that may have played a part:

Reason #1) Expectations: Listen, having expectations is totally normal. I have expectations about everything in my life: I expect my hair to always look good, I expect my outfits to always make me look like a model, I expect to be a millionaire and I expect to be liked when I like someone. Does all of this sound rational? Perhaps not. Here is the thing about having high expectations…they are YOUR expectations. No one is making you feel anything. You have to own the fact that these expectations are your own and you are choosing to project them onto someone else.

You are not a princess, he is not a prince. You do not live in a castle. You are not friends with talking animals that help brush your hair in the morning. Expecting to find Mr or Mrs Right after date one may be a stretch, and expecting to have someone come into your life and all of a sudden make everything rainbows and roses is not fair to the person you’re on the date with. Expect to be treated with respect, expect to be appreciated for who you are, and expect to have a good time. Do not expect to be rescued, salvaged, saved, or given a tiara because it’s not going to happen. And, you don’t need it to! You are beautiful, smart, amazing and should have enough love for yourself that you don’t need to be rescued, but instead want to share your love with someone who deserves it. Crown your own self.

Reason #2) You Were Not Authentic: Being ourselves, and I mean our true selves can at times be scary. Here is what I mean by that…I am a total nerd, I watch a lot of Family Guy, Scooby Doo and The Regular Show. I unabashedly love cartoons, and 80’s music, especially Hall & Oats. Watching vintage films makes me happy, and so does riding my beach cruiser that I spray painted pink and covered with sparkles. These are just a few of the things that make me who I am and they can be just a tad embarrassing to reveal about yourself on a first date.

I know absolutely nothing about football nor do I care to know anything about it, but how many of us have pretended to be into it because the person we like is? We have all been there and why? Why pretend to be interested in something to please someone else? Then what happens is you come across as a liar because you will definitely be questioned about the subject you just pretended to be knowledgeable in and you will try to BS your way through an answer or have to lie to cover up for the fact that you lied initially!

The key to being yourself is not to be afraid to be yourself. On my next date if a guy asks me what I like to do I will let him know I am a writer, actress, avid reader…and I love cartoons, own a pink sparkly beach cruiser and listen to a lot of Hall & Oats. If he doesn’t like me for those reasons then he has to go. Be you, no matter what because in the end that is who this man (or woman) will have to love. Continue reading →

4 Years Single, 3 Lessons Learned

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It’s been 4 years since my last relationship…As you all know and have read I have dated in this time but nothing to serious. I have lived alone for the past three years and I feel this more then anything else, has taught me more about myself then ever before. There are all these reasons that every dating guru, therapist and friend will give you for being a happy single gal, so I know I don’t need to give you all another rundown of that list. What I will tell you is what I have learned from this four year period about love, and myself:
I like my stuff the way it is: My closet is organized by item and color. Pants, shirts, dresses, etc. are all grouped together and in color groups from light to dark. My drawers are also obscenely organized and so are my cleaning products. Yup folks I organize my cleaning products, towels, and hair products…judge me all you want, but it’s my thing. And here is the thing about this being my thing…incorporating someone else into my space, and into my thing takes a lot of work. For the past four years that is work I have not been willing to participate in, which has taught me the fine art of compromise. I’ve always thought I was so good at this and willing to do this in relationships, but it was to keep my partner happy not myself. Compromise should be about both of you and not be one-sided. The past four years I have been very one-sided.
I crave quiet time: I grew up with my sister, brother and my parents. I shared a room with my sister my entire life, then had a college roommates, moved back home, got my own place, met my ex and almost immediately moved in with him, moved back home (post break-up), and moved back out again. I got tired just writing all of that! Anyway, outside of the ten months I spent in my first apartment, the past three years have been just me, myself and I…and it felt amazing. And actually it still does! I write, I read, I do pretty much everything in a quiet and calm existence. While I do adore my quiet life, what I had built up is a pretty big wall around myself. This wall is what I have been breaking down for the past six months. No reason why the future love of my life should have to carry around a rope and try to climb over my wall of protection MacGyver style.

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Am I Too Independent?

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The other day while literally staring off into space I think I had a epiphany…Really am I being that dramatic in the opening line of this post? Yes, I am. Here’s the thing…I was thinking back to all of my relationships past and the one recurring theme, or should I say issue that has been brought up with me is that I am too independent. This was very prevalent in my last relationship I was in. And thinking back my independence has distanced men from me my entire life. When I was younger my dad wished I were more dependent all the time. As an adult he told me that my independence actually bothered him as he had constantly complained to my mom that he wished I would come to him, or them when I had a problem.

I had my first real boyfriend at age 18 during my Senior year of high school and he had serious issues with my independence. I distinctly remember him getting mad at me because I wouldn’t let him wash my car for me, and wanted to do it myself. Sounds really trivial right? Why wouldn’t I just let him do it? Maybe because it was MY car and I worked my butt off getting good grades, and not getting in trouble so my parents would even get it for me. Maybe because I felt that the car was MY responsibility and I should be the one to take care of it. And maybe I just wanted him to know that I could take care of my car, and myself, and felt a need to prove it to him for some reason.

As a kid I was bullied and tormented by my classmates and even some teachers. I never once told my parents. It started in the first grade and unlike any other kid who would share what was going on with their parents, I felt that I needed to deal with my problems myself and not burden my parents, or have my parents “save” me. But where this feeling came from I have no idea. As I got older and as the bullying, gossip and my classmates torture became worse, I closed up even more. I only went to my parents once, because I got in trouble at school for finally fighting back, and they were called. I felt showing them and anyone else that I could not handle my own situations myself showed weakness, and I never want to be weak.  Continue reading →

Listening to Your Friends Can Keep You Single

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If I read one more tweet about how relationships are supposed to be easy, or how if a man really loves you he’ll never make you cry, or that arguing leads to the demise of a relationship I am going to lose it! Seriously who the hell came up with these naive and dare I say idiotic rules for relationships? I know who did…your friends, and their friends, and their friends, and so on. Yes, that’s right listening to our friends-or strangers who we call friends on Twitter or Facebook-can literally lead to you being dumped, cheated on, forgotten about, or avoided by the one you adore

Think about this…how often do we look to others for advice or direction on what to do in our relationships? How many times have you called up your girlfriends to tell them what your boyfriend did? And ladies we are not the only guilty parties in the bad advice pyramid scheme…Men are just as bad! And yes I referred to bad relationship advice as a pyramid scheme, because to me, it is!

Here is how the pyramid developed: There was this one man or woman who decided they had all the answers, so they went to their friends and told them all of the “answers” to life, which evolved into those answer loving recipients to continue spreading out the answers to life all over town, which eventually ended up being told to your mom or dad, who told them to your big brother or sister, who told them to you, and you tell them to your friends. See…see how easy it is to ride down the slippery pyramid scheme slope?

I am just as guilty of this as well. I remember going to someone for advice on every little aspect of my relationship with the Baseball Player. He and I fell for each other quick and hard. And instead of admitting that to one another, I discussed us with my advice giver, and he discussed us with his best friend who I’ll refer to as The Weasel. Oh yeah I said it…he was a weasel. Anyway the weasel had just gone through a bad break-up and the Baseball Player and I were doing so well that he had a typical case of jealousy and did everything in his power to tear us apart.  Continue reading →

Throw Away Your Dating Checklist!

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The “List” we all have one and we use it to measure up a new potential mate we meet. I can distinctly recall my first semester at Los Angeles College and one day in Psychology class the Professor asked for volunteers for an experiment. He called us out of the room one by one and then asked us to return to ask us a series of questions: 
 
Professor, “What do you look for in a mate?” Me, “Ummmm….he has to be nice, and tall, and thin, and have no kids, and have no ex-wife, and have a good job, and be smart.” That was the 22 year old me that adhered to that specific list (which had more must haves on there then I listed in class that day) for many more dating years…until now.

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Dating Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

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When you are driving in your car and you see a yellow light in the intersection you are about to cross do you speed up to make it through, or do you slow down because you know the red light is going to flash soon? When you are crossing the street and the crosswalk signal has 5 more seconds to go on the countdown do you dart out in the street making a run for it, or wait because you know you won’t make it across in time and don’t want to risk it? As for myself I wait for the crosswalk and may speed up at the yellow, but if you are that risk taker then this post is for you.

 

Recently my friend got into a relationship with someone very quickly. I put relationship in quotes because I don’t think you can call it a relationship after two weeks, but I digress. She immediately is smitten and spends all of her free time with him, and they even make comments about living together and how they would raise their kids.
In the meantime, he had a girl living with him that he referred to as his ex-girlfriend who is his roommate because she owes him money, and has no family here, and he can’t throw her out on the street.

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