• Blog

    Does Watching Porn Hurt or Help Your Relationship?

     watching
    There is something primal and raw about porn. It either brings out the carnal erotic/sexual needs in a person, or makes you feel like all those super cool, amazing, highly skilled moves you have perfected throughout the years…are not that amazing after all. Women are more likely to watch porn these days as it has pretty much integrated itself in our everyday visuals.
    Whether its a movie on Lifetime, or a music video on MTV, porn and its effects on our society are everywhere. Girls dress skimpier, singers emulate sexual acts in their performances, and you cannot go to a club or bar without experiencing those chicks that pretend to be gay and make out with each other for attention. And trust me in LA that happens everyday in a bar or club, hell it probably happens at the mall, library, market, shoe store, school…Okay I’ll stop. Back to the topic at hand…Here is the question of the hour: Does watching porn help or hinder your relationship?

    Porn can have many effects on your relationship: It can be a teaching tool, it can be a mood enhancer, it can be an inhibition breaker, it can be fun, erotic, and sexy. But porn can also put you or your partner in a perpetual state of fantasy. You may began to compare your lover to the men and women in these movies. At times you may even form an attachment to an actor and think this is how your man/woman should behave when you are intimate. At its worse porn can become an addiction. My ex hid a porn addiction that I thankfully found out about. He would spend hours on the computer with the door closed, and he actually chose porn over being intimate with me. Here is the thing…I was not upset with him for watching it, I was upset with the addiction he formed to it. 
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    The Guy That Only Gave Me Used Gifts

    used-gifts

    There is something to be said about a man (or woman) who will give you gifts as a way of showing you that they care about, or love you. Let me preface that I in no way feel gifts are the way to a woman’s heart, because I’d rather travel together then receive a diamond bracelet. No, seriously I have a diamond bracelet and don’t need another one. Let’s take that money and fly off the grid and just lay on the beach all day. And if a man does choose to buy me a gift; I am more of an collection of books by my favorite authors, vintage dress, or art piece type of girl, but I digress. In one of my previous relationships I met a man who literally only bought me used gifts.

    It was a relationship that started and moved pretty quickly. I have written about him before (see the Break-Up Text edition) and we dated for two years, and lived together for the last year of our relationship. We met in August and became a couple in September…Yup, that fast. By the time December rolled around I wasn’t expecting anything major, and had been looking for a new beach cruiser for myself online. Well he saw this and pretty much hinted at him buying me that for Christmas so I was super excited! Christmas Eve came and we exchanged gifts. I had gotten him digital camera, and excitedly awaited to see my new-and pink-beach cruiser. He handed me a little white box in a Tiffany bag and my heart literally sank.


    Most women would see this and squeal for joy, but as I said I am just not that type of girl which I expressed to him, and thought he understood. Anyway I open the box and there is a silver heart shaped bracelet. Of course I thought-and still do-it was beautiful and genuinely liked the gift he gave me. I proudly wore it to my parents and grandparents houses the next day and showed it off. But I also wondered how he decided upon the gift since in all honesty he was very stingy…okay he was cheap as hell! Turns out his friends girlfriend worked at the store and bought it on discount. That my friends was gift number one, and the only new gift he gave me. 

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    How First Date Sex Can Screw You Over

    frstdatesex

    First date sex can either be really great, super awkward or the only time this action happens with the person you are doing it with. Really great first date sex is just that…really great and may even turn into a few more dates that conclude in more great sex. Then there is super awkward first date sex that you do when you’re trying to get over an ex, or do because you really thought the guy/girl you met and talked to all night in the darkly lit bar was super cute, and the future love of your life. So, you get to their house and have awkward-you’re-not-as-hot-as-I-thought-you-were-but-I’m-here-so-let’s-just-do-this-kind-of-sex.

    Then, there is the most repeated scenario these days: the one night stand sex, and you will either leave in the middle of the night, or fall asleep and escape at 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Why is it that waking up at 6:00 a.m. for work is literally the worst/hardest thing to do, but when escaping a one night stand, is the easiest action to accomplish and you didn’t even have your alarm set.?

     My friend came into my office and we had a first date sex debate. She stated, “I never give it up on the first date. I make them work for it…at least six months!” To which I replied, “Honey he can dump you after the first date, or just as easily six months later.” Here is my issue with first date sex: It can ruin everything! Okay that was super dramatic, but I have made the first date sex mistake a few times in my dating life, and I have come to the conclusion that it can speed up (an often one-sided) emotional attachment without an emotional attachment. The one-sided attachment formed is usually on behalf of us women, because once we surrender our body to someone we do form an emotional attachment to them whether we intended to or not.

  • Blog

    Being the “In-Between Girl” Sucks

    in-between-girl
    Today my girlfriend and I spoke for over an hour about our dating experiences and issues both good, and bad. She was upset as she complained about her ex recently committing to a new relationship, and asked me why he could so easily commit to the new woman in his life, but could never fully commit to her. I explained to her it is because she is the “In-Between Girl”. What is the in-between girl you ponder?
    Let me break it down for you. As you know the girl a guy doesn’t really care about but runs to when he is lonely is known as the “back-up girl”. Then, there is the girl the guy cheats with known as the “side-chick girl”. Well, ladies and gentlemen there is a phenomenon that has been occurring for years, in which, a guy dates a girl, but does not want to fully commit to her, and does not want her to commit to anyone else, and this is the “In-Between girl”. While dating the in-between girl a man behaves as her boyfriend, but refuses to actually refer to her as his girlfriend…Sound familiar?

    So, let’s say you meet a great guy online, or at a bar. You go on dates, talk on the phone, he introduces you to his friends and vice-versa. You are sleeping together and spending most of your time together, may even spend a holiday or birthday together, but he has yet to refer to you as his girlfriend, or fully commit to being in a relationship with you. Now you as a woman say to yourself, ‘Self this is okay…you’ve met his friends, he took you to dinner for your birthday, and you spend your weekends with him…you are his girlfriend, you don’t need a title.’ Really? You don’t need a title? Everyone has a title honey. Your boss is your boss, your best friend is your best friend, your mom is your mom, and your boyfriend is in fact…your boyfriend.
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    Why I Don’t Really Love Valentine’s Day

    valentines

    Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and according to every single commercial, and retail store you must celebrate it. What are the exact origins of Valentine’s Day anyway? Well kids, I did my research a’la Google and honestly, there is no definitive answer. There was said to be a Bishop named St. Valentine who secretly married people (around 270 AD) when it had been banned by some dude named Claudius as he saw married men as being to weak, and therefore unable to fight as soldiers in war. Although there is no solid proof of this, and it is said that St. Valentine signed a note he wrote to his lover “From Your Valentine”.

    When I was a kid I obsessed over buying the cutest Valentines from the store. Why? Because we all had that handmade card holder attached to the front of our desk at school for people to drop their Valentines Day cards and treats for us into. I would really, really, stress about how many cards or treats I would get, and who would give me one. Just think of Charlie Brown with his briefcase in class on Valentine’s Day…ummm…yeah that was me..kinda…well a lot. I put all of my hopes on this one day.

    There is something about Valentine’s Day that drives women into a frenzy of emotions. There is the bitter girl, the angry girl, the ‘I don’t need a man anyway’ girl, the over emotional girl, and the ‘I’m in love with love’ girl. Which one are you? I think on some level I may have been everyone of these girls at different points in my love life. There were the high school years of pure naivety when I thought the girls who had huge flowers bouquets, candy-grams, or dates for Valentine’s were the luckiest and prettiest girls. Then came the college years when I had my string of heartbreaks and thus can care less about Valentine’s Day.

  • Blog

    5 Signs He’s Not Over His Ex

    5signs

    Dating someone new is fun, scary, nerve-racking and mysterious all at the same time. It’s fun to be excited about a new person in your life. It’s also scary to let your guard down and be vulnerable, and I don’t know about you, but I love it when a new special someone gives me butterflies in my stomach. Well, then there is the mysterious part…Most times we are so busy enjoying the newness, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns that have suddenly appeared in our lives along with this new person, that we may not notice some other issues. One major issue I have dealt with in relationships past: Is he really over his Ex?

    An ex-boyfriend of mine owned a cat. Let’s just say that besides being deathly allergic to them…I just do not like them in general. Yeah, okay, some of you may have just gotten pissed off, but hey I like dogs, don’t judge me! But I digress…So, my ex had a cat and one night my throat closed up and I could barely breathe from said cat, so he promised to vacuum and keep the cat in another room anytime I came over. While I did not like the whole ‘guy with a cat’ thing, I did really like him and I tried to deal with the cat.

    One night while discussing our pasts he tells me that the cat is actually his ex-girlfriends cat that he inherited. Here’s my issue with this scenario…okay well here is my second or third issue with this scenario. Firefighter (did I forget to mention that we will be referring to him as firefighter? Sorry, we will be calling him firefighter because as you all know I don’t use names unless I have been given permission.) really, really, loved his cat. But I wanted firefighter to really, really love me, and every time I looked at that cat I saw the life he had before me with someone else. 

  • Blog

    Tell Me I’m Beautiful

     beautiful

    One day my ex made a comment that stuck with me for the rest of our relationship. At the time I had gotten fired from my job because I was in school (how effed up is that?!) and had fallen into a depression, and to be completely forthcoming, I had gained a little weight. Not a lot of weight, but some and being that I am such a petite girl any weight gain will show. Needless to say I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself and being depressed that I had not noticed the weight gain. Then, at Thanksgiving when my aunt commented on it, it literally hit me that I had been in a negative space and needed to stop feeling that way immediately. And so I did, and the small amount of noticeable weight I had gained rapidly came off as I began to use my unemployment days to jog and do Tae-Bo.

     Cut to about a month or so later when my scrawny ex-boyfriend then decided to become obsessed with gaining weight and looking perfect. I stood in the bedroom and in answer to me talking about him working out he says, “I need to whip your body into shape.” Wow…just typing that sentence literally puts me back into that bedroom standing in shock as he sauntered past me as though what he said was completely okay. And the worse aspect of it is that to him it was. There had been a huge shift in our relationship at that point, and I began to notice how he seemed jealous of certain elements of my life.
    At the time I enrolled full-time into school, found a part-time job, began building my body back to its petite state, and spent time studying, working and hanging with my family. And instead of being happy for me in turning my negative situation of being fired, going on unemployment and struggling to pay rent (oh and yes he made three times as much as I did, and made me use my unemployment checks to pay half of the rent!) into positives, and being productive, he became angry, defensive and jealous. He would constantly put me down and make hateful comments about my appearance, or the fact that I went to school etc…I was excelling in my life and he could not handle it.
  • Blog

    Am I Too Independent?

    The other day while literally staring off into space I think I had a epiphany…Really am I being that dramatic in the opening line of this post? Yes, I am. Here’s the thing…I was thinking back to all of my relationships past and the one recurring theme, or should I say issue that has been brought up with me is that I am too independent. This was very prevalent in my last relationship I was in. And thinking back my independence has distanced men from me my entire life. When I was younger my dad wished I were more dependent all the time. As an adult he told me that my independence actually bothered him as he had constantly complained to my mom that he wished I would come to him, or them when I had a problem.

    I had my first real boyfriend at age 18 during my Senior year of high school and he had serious issues with my independence. I distinctly remember him getting mad at me because I wouldn’t let him wash my car for me, and wanted to do it myself. Sounds really trivial right? Why wouldn’t I just let him do it? Maybe because it was MY car and I worked my butt off getting good grades, and not getting in trouble so my parents would even get it for me. Maybe because I felt that the car was MY responsibility and I should be the one to take care of it. And maybe I just wanted him to know that I could take care of my car, and myself, and felt a need to prove it to him for some reason.

    As a kid I was bullied and tormented by my classmates and even some teachers. I never once told my parents. It started in the first grade and unlike any other kid who would share what was going on with their parents, I felt that I needed to deal with my problems myself and not burden my parents, or have my parents “save” me. But where this feeling came from I have no idea. As I got older and as the bullying, gossip and my classmates torture became worse, I closed up even more. I only went to my parents once, because I got in trouble at school for finally fighting back, and they were called. I felt showing them and anyone else that I could not handle my own situations myself showed weakness, and I never want to be weak. 

  • Blog

    Listening to Your Friends Can Keep You Single

    friends

    If I read one more tweet about how relationships are supposed to be easy, or how if a man really loves you he’ll never make you cry, or that arguing leads to the demise of a relationship I am going to lose it! Seriously who the hell came up with these naive and dare I say idiotic rules for relationships? I know who did…your friends, and their friends, and their friends, and so on. Yes, that’s right listening to our friends-or strangers who we call friends on Twitter or Facebook-can literally lead to you being dumped, cheated on, forgotten about, or avoided by the one you adore

    Think about this…how often do we look to others for advice or direction on what to do in our relationships? How many times have you called up your girlfriends to tell them what your boyfriend did? And ladies we are not the only guilty parties in the bad advice pyramid scheme…Men are just as bad! And yes I referred to bad relationship advice as a pyramid scheme, because to me, it is!

    Here is how the pyramid developed: There was this one man or woman who decided they had all the answers, so they went to their friends and told them all of the “answers” to life, which evolved into those answer loving recipients to continue spreading out the answers to life all over town, which eventually ended up being told to your mom or dad, who told them to your big brother or sister, who told them to you, and you tell them to your friends. See…see how easy it is to ride down the slippery pyramid scheme slope?

    I am just as guilty of this as well. I remember going to someone for advice on every little aspect of my relationship with the Baseball Player. He and I fell for each other quick and hard. And instead of admitting that to one another, I discussed us with my advice giver, and he discussed us with his best friend who I’ll refer to as The Weasel. Oh yeah I said it…he was a weasel. Anyway the weasel had just gone through a bad break-up and the Baseball Player and I were doing so well that he had a typical case of jealousy and did everything in his power to tear us apart. 

  • Blog

    My Live-In boyfriend Dumped Me Over Text

    dumped     
    Relationships are hard. Relationships are amazing. Relationships are work. Relationships are beautiful. And relationships can be brutal. There seems to always be one person in the relationship who holds the “relationship cards” if you will. Meaning that they give less emotionally which in turn leaves them holding your emotional cards in their hands. Because you keep giving and giving to supply the emotional need(s) you are not getting from them. In my last relationship three years ago I dated a guy I’ll refer to as D…short for Douchebag.


    D and I met at a time where I just began to exert my feminism and independence with confidence in my life. I had just moved into my first apartment-by myself-and returned to school. I felt amazing, beautiful, smart and accomplished. I also had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship or need to meet someone new, and I meet this D a few weeks later. Yes, weeks…four weeks to be exact.

    I was not attracted to him physically, but after our first phone conversation, which can I just add, lasted four hours…I figured saying yes to him asking me out would not hurt. He told me he was part French and could help me with my French as I was studying the language in hopes of taking a backpacking trip there. He also liked the same type of music I liked, and was eager to explore LA, and try foods from all of the restaurants I told him I loved. 

  • Blog

    Let’s Talk About Sex: What Women Want

     

    what-women-want

    Let’s Talk About Sex: You know that moment when you’re making out, touching, kissing, and that amazing feeling of warmth travels through your entire body? This is it…the moment you know you are going to have sex, and you cannot wait to pull out all of your best moves on us right fellas? And we want these moves because we have thought about this moment with you since the day we met you. Oh yes women think about sex just as much as you do and we know within the first ten, hell I’m being nice, more like 5 minutes whether or not we are going to ever have sex with you. So you’ve clearly made it past the first ten minutes, or ten dates and now here it is, the moment we both have wanted since we first met…and then…this happens:

    We are minutes into our pre-sex make out session and touching each other all over, and this is usually a clear signal for you to touch us in our most intimate spot. Women love this, we love to be caressed and teased, which turns us on and makes us want you even more then we already do.

    So…why the hell do you get down there and start banging the hell out of our vagina like we are your PlayStation’s remote controller? This is not Madden 13 and you are not Peyton Manning dude. Calm the hell down and stop touching us with the force you use to control your favorite video game character. And I am not exaggerating here when I say some of you need to truly learn the Art of Touch. As one of my girls put in: “He fingers you like, well, like a man, so you don’t like it (or him when he does it). Boo.” (Thanks Skye) Think of our vagina and especially our clitoris as a soft kitten, a baby kitten that needs to be touched, caressed and shown care.

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    Why I Choose to Live My Life Childfree for Now

    childfree    
     Kids are amazing…the way they see the world, the way they learn, their smiles and laughter melt my heart. I have spent years teaching and babysitting kids, but yet the desire to have one of my own has never surfaced in my psyche. As a young girl we are taught through fairytale stories, television shows, movies etc. that you grow up, get married, and become a mom. Many women feel the essence of becoming a woman is being able to give birth to a child. And, some of us for now or forever, choose to live our lives childfree.

    I like shoes, I like to buy them, wear them, and match them up with my moods and outfits. I love to travel, eat out, and get up and go whenever I want. I love to spend my money how I please, spend time with my family and friends, and I love kids, but…here is the kicker…I do not want to have any. I am 32yrs old and have no inkling whatsoever to have a baby. The funny thing is people either do not believe me, tell me I just haven’t found the right person, or think I do not like kids.
    Having a child is-from what I’ve seen, and been told-an amazing, painful, exhilarating, loving, heartfelt and challenging moment in a woman’s life that she will literally never forget. Well you know what moments I will never forget? The time I was in Nordstroms and bought my first pair of James Frye boots on sale for $300! Now most people would say I was crazy to compare my shoe buying experiences to having a child, but that moment is a moment I will never forget. And that moment makes me happy.
  • Blog

    For a While, I Was a Side Chick

       sidechick


    Okay here it is the biggest dating mistake I have ever made: I cheated…well I helped someone cheat, I mean…alright I dated a guy who had a girlfriend. I know what you’re thinking, that I am horrible and I have to say at the time I thought I was special, different, and that he and I would ride off into the sunset together. I was naive thinking that I was who he really wanted to be with and that when the time was right-for him-he would break things off with her and we would live happily ever after. Ridiculous I know and while I am not at all proud of what I did the experience taught me so much about myself.

    In this toxic situation I allowed myself to get into I realized one day that I completely put all of his needs before mine. I honestly believed he cared about me, and dare I say loved me, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. See, right there that’s the mistake I and most women make. We think we are going to change him as though we are a magical entity that will all of a sudden change his entire mindset because he has experienced us. That was a huge mistake and taught me that no matter what you cannot change a man, or believe a man will magically fall in love with you because YOU want him to.

    Another mistake I made is believing that he and I had a special connection or friendship that I invested my emotions in. When I did that I allowed things to be said and done that I would not have put up with in any normal dating circumstance.

    Why was I allowing myself to be used in the name of “friendship”? And more importantly why did I convince myself that this “friendship” was making me happy? I easily allowed myself to be manipulated and since he was so good at it I convinced myself that this was not manipulation, and that this situation would actually change for the better. This was me in fact settling. 

  • Blog

    My Date with the Jokester Part II

         

     I tried….I really did, but Mr. I think I’m a comedian, lost me, and it only took one date and a few text conversations later to do so. So how in fact did Mr. Comedian lose me in just one date? Here’s how:
         1) Showing up a half hour late and not calling or texting to tell me: Mr. Comedian is the first guy since high school to show up so late for a date, but here’s the difference. In high school cell phones were just gaining popularity-well for my generation anyway-and we still used pagers. Now in 2012 the age of the cell phone, there is literally NO excuse for not calling or at least texting a woman to tell her you’ll be late for a date…especially your first one!

         2) Using the date as a one-man show performance: Mr. Comedian did exactly that! Placing the spotlight completely on himself in a very obnoxious way by turning every topic, or situation into a joke. As I said in my earlier post I love to laugh and be with a man who is funny, but when everything is a joke, or being made fun of how do I know when to ever take you seriously? And can we just turn it down a tad bit on the first date please?