How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship

How To Fight Fair in Your Relationship

No matter how long you have been dating, married or even just friends with someone, it is inevitable that you are going to have a fight. Honestly, fighting sucks…it makes me uncomfortable and I actually have a physical reaction to it! My stomach starts turning, I break out in the stress sweat, I’m angry, sad, and have a weird desire to win.Win what exactly I have no idea but arguing with your significant other can end either really badly and you break up, with either one of you in tears, with both of you angry at each other or hopefully with these tips being able to work things out…

1) Never say Never: When you’re in the midst of an argument and notice that all your arguing is going nowhere it is easy to start with the “feel sorry for me” references as I like to refer to them. This includes sentences that begin with, “You never…”. Arguing with the words, ‘You never’ is NEVER a good way to go! When you start your statement with that sentence it will always put your mate on the immediate defense. Not only are you telling them they never do something, you are making them feel bad about the way you feel. Your feelings are completely your own. No one makes you feel anything.

The way you feel might be a result of someones actions, but the way you choose to interpret their actions is your decision and so are the feelings you are experiencing. Own your feelings and make their actions known by saying, “I feel…” instead of “You never…” In doing this you not only take ownership of how you are feeling but you are also not putting the responsibility of your feelings onto someone else. Example: “I feel upset/insecure/lonely when you spend the majority of your free time with your friends instead of me.” Instead of: “You never spend time with me!” See the difference?

2) Get Over the Past: This one is a huge issue for all of us right? Every time you become angry at your significant other all of the past arguments or instances resurface in your mind. Like right now after reading that sentence, you’re thinking of some of the things that he/she has done in the past to piss you off! If your boo has done something wrong in your relationship and you chose to stay in your relationship, then you have to let it go. What I mean by “it” is the anger, hurt and blame.  Continue reading

10 Things Not to Do In Front Of Your Man

  Women 10 Things Post

When we are in relationships we love to share everything with our boo, but sometimes ladies, we share way to damn much. You all know I am a huge feminist, and am very tongue-in-cheek, so I may get some slack for this list but here it is anyway. And before you get all crazy on me, there is a list for the guys as well. Read, laugh, share and enjoy!

10 Things Not to Do In Front of You Man or Significant Other:

1) Showing him your Spanx: Spanx for those who are unaware are extremely tight, restricting, and binding undergarments that make you look like a mummy underneath your dress, and suck in all your fat, push up your boobs, and flatten your tummy. We all have them in some form or another so let’s just keep that to ourselves and not reveal that we have bound our thighs in fabric so tight we have to walk at a slight angle.

It’s an amazing secret we have! He doesn’t need to know that your amazing cleavage is being supported by two little people under your breasts holding them up at perfect peaks. And is it that important that he think you really did 1,000 sit-ups to get your tummy so tight? No, because guess what you look hot as hell in that dress, and it makes you feel good, and every actress in America wears them, so like I said let’s just keep it to ourselves ladies.   

 2) Burp or Fart: Here’s the thing about burping and farting…it’s as we all know a natural way for our body to expel some of the air that’s inside of it right? Once my brother burped a really foul smelling burp and blew it in my face. Ugh, just typing this brings the flashback in my mind and I sware I can smell that corn-nut/soda/stanky ass smell as I type, but I digress. He laughed and so did his immature friends, and I of course wanted to kick him in the nuts, but I digress again. That’s the thing about burping and farting, boys think they are hilarious when other boys do them. It’s like their guy call or something, how they choose to bond while playing playstation, or drinking beers and watching football.

My point is burp and fart, just not on the first date! Let’s give it a while!  If you’re in a situation where you absolutely have to burp or fart use this method: You burp while “coughing” or fart while walking so as least it goes into a crowd and doesn’t linger behind you like a huge stank arrow pointing at your tight butt in your Spanx. And if you just have to do it, go for it…hell start a burping/farting competition if it works for you! 

3) Say the following: “Am I fat?”, “I feel so fat today.”, “I can’t eat that, I’m too fat.”, “Does this dress make me look fat?”: These type of sentences make men cringe. Sometimes out of comfort we ladies (and men) will put on a few pounds in our relationship right? It happens, so get up and go look in the mirror…see any extra fat that wasn’t there previously? Get yourself to the gym or accept yourself the way you are. Whatever the choice, do not complain about it. No one wants to hear about how fat you think you are, especially your man because guess what? He loves you as you are. And if he doesn’t tell him bye bye.  Continue reading

That Ex that Won’t Go Away

Exes are like boomerangs, every time you got over them, they return. It’s like they all have this weird telepathy and can sense when you are happy and ready to move on. They sniff around you innocently at first, just as you begin anew with someone else…Boomerangs (that’s what we will forever be referring to them as, okay?) work in stages:

Stage (1) Internet Ploys: One day you are scrolling through pages on the Internet, say for instance you are looking to buy that killer pair of shoes you’ve had your eyes on for a few weeks, then while looking an ad pops up asking you to ‘click here’ to receive an additional 20% off your purchase! You are stoked, so of course you click on it and what happens? A virus downloads to your computer. That’s what your Boomerang does to you when he/she sniffs you moving on with someone new. They try and breakdown your new found joy.

Stage (2) Texting Rouses: The texting rouse is an oldie, but goodie in the Boomerang circle. Remember that time when you were little, and pretended to be sick for attention? That’s the type of technique the Boomerang is employing here…They love to text you to a) see if you have erased their number or not, b) to bait you into responding, c) to test how quickly you will respond to them, and d) to see if you’ll still have sex with them (let’s just be real here folks)

Stage (3) Emotional Play: This is the most crucial tactic a Boomerang will use as their weapon of choice. Am I the only one who stays up late, and always sees the ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLaughlin singing, ‘In the arms of the angels’, while a three-legged dog has a talk bubble over their head asking, “Why did they beat me?”, and you feel like crap because all you want to do is immediately change the channel as soon as you hear the music…Well, your Boomerang is using this technique on you, and you have just entered phase three. Phase three is the most serious of stages because emotional play also involves psychological warfare…

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That One-Time He Asked for a Threesome


This one time last summer the guy I was dating at the time asked me to participate in a threesome. This wasn’t the first time he asked, but it became the last. Men seem to have this idea – I blame porn- that all women are okay sleeping with each other just to please them, or turn them on, even if they are not lesbians. It doesn’t help that almost every television show, music video or film has if not a reference to girl-on-girl action, the requisite drunk girls making out with each other in a club while the men around them watch with glee. And although I had never given Mr. I want it All any inclination or reasons to believe this is something I would do, he automatically assumed I would. So, I bet you’re wondering how he asked me? This is pretty much how the conversation went down…

On the telephone while making plans with Mr. I want it All, he says,
“Would you be okay with spending a weekend with me and ___?”
Me, “A weekend…what do you mean?”
Mr. I want it All, “I mean you, me and her, and we just hang out, drink and let whatever happens happen…” Me, “No, I would never be okay with that and have no clue why you’d even ask me.”
Mr. I want it All, “Come on stop being so scared…I’ll get you to change your mind…”

I never changed my mind, and I was, and am not in fact scared. I stopped seeing him soon after. Our relationship had always been casual, so I was not hurt by his question, but offended when he kept putting that constant request in after I said no. He literally made it his personal mission to “convert me” into someone I’m not, doing something I would never want to do. This is not the first time this request or assumption has come up in my dating history.

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How Faking Your Orgasm Ruins Your Life

The first time I was asked about having an orgasm I actually had no idea what the guy was even talking about. The conversation went like this: Guy: How many times did you, you know?” and Me: “Ummm…a lot.” Yes, that was my introduction into a topic I literally knew nothing about known as the Orgasm. I talked to my friends about the elusive O and realized that no I had not experienced it that first night and would definitely known it if I had! According to research between 50-67 percent of women have faked orgasm when with their partner. So the big question is why?

Faking it seems to be the way many of us cope with people and events in our life. For example, we smile at the co-worker we really want to punch in the face, or pretend to like our best friends cat loving boyfriend when we meet him for the first time. And how many times have we all eaten a meal cooked for us by someone we love that we really hated, but said it was great anyway? Women are natural people pleasers and we learn the art of plastering a smile on our face, and being nice to everyone no matter how we feel about them. We are constantly told to be polite, kind and sweet because that’s how a proper lady behaves. While I do not feel we should go around punching annoying co-workers, or screaming our way through life, I do feel we need to breakdown the notion of being polite no matter what just so that others will like us. Continue reading

My Month of Dating Online


Online dating has taken over every one’s life in some form or another right? Whether its your old high school crush reaching out to you on Facebook, a cutie pie sending you a direct message on Twitter, or joining a specific online dating site, this seems to be the primary way people are meeting one another these days. So, I decided I would try it out for myself and see how it goes. Let me state that a few years ago a guy that had a crush on me in high school did find me on Facebook and we dated, and quickly fell in love to which I got scared, and did my usual ‘Let me push him away and run as fast as I can for that long winding road that leads out of town’ and we subsequently broke up. The adventures I had in the past month online dating were something totally different.

 I decided to test the online waters gently at first and began direct messaging with a Twitter friend. Of course I will not say his name, and he is also well known so I really won’t give to much info about him. Me and Twitter friend started direct messaging each other and having polite conversation, and I decided to be bold and give him my number. Yup, I just threw it out there and homeboy hadn’t even asked for it! We began texting right away and here’s just a snippet of one conversation:

 Him: “I don’t usually like goodie two shoes…”
Me: “What type of girls do you usually like?”
Him: “I like dirty girls…Aggressive girls that will chase me. Is that wrong?”
Me: “I can’t judge you for your preferences, but are you saying you want me to chase you?”
Him: “Yes.”
My twitter friend was not the reality to the fantasy I had hoped for in my head. Along with telling me he wanted me to chase him, he was sporadic with his texting, never actually picked up the phone to call me, and never asked me any questions about, well…me! This type of weird exchange went on for a good month and ended with him asking me if I was looking for a boyfriend or fun, to which I replied I was looking for a relationship, and he had a long one word answer to: Oooooohhhhhh… That ended that folks.

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Does Watching Porn Hurt or Help Your Relationship?

There is something primal and raw about porn. It either brings out the carnal erotic/sexual needs in a person, or makes you feel like all those super cool, amazing, highly skilled moves you have perfected throughout the years…are not that amazing after all. Women are more likely to watch porn these days as it has pretty much integrated itself in our everyday visuals.
Whether its a movie on Lifetime, or a music video on MTV, porn and its effects on our society are everywhere. Girls dress skimpier, singers emulate sexual acts in their performances, and you cannot go to a club or bar without experiencing those chicks that pretend to be gay and make out with each other for attention. And trust me in LA that happens everyday in a bar or club, hell it probably happens at the mall, library, market, shoe store, school…Okay I’ll stop. Back to the topic at hand…Here is the question of the hour: Does watching porn help or hinder your relationship?

Porn can have many effects on your relationship: It can be a teaching tool, it can be a mood enhancer, it can be an inhibition breaker, it can be fun, erotic, and sexy. But porn can also put you or your partner in a perpetual state of fantasy. You may began to compare your lover to the men and women in these movies. At times you may even form an attachment to an actor and think this is how your man/woman should behave when you are intimate. At its worse porn can become an addiction. My ex hid a porn addiction that I thankfully found out about. He would spend hours on the computer with the door closed, and he actually chose porn over being intimate with me. Here is the thing…I was not upset with him for watching it, I was upset with the addiction he formed to it.  Continue reading

The Guy That Only Gave Me Used Gifts


There is something to be said about a man (or woman) who will give you gifts as a way of showing you that they care about, or love you. Let me preface that I in no way feel gifts are the way to a woman’s heart, because I’d rather travel together then receive a diamond bracelet. No, seriously I have a diamond bracelet and don’t need another one. Let’s take that money and fly off the grid and just lay on the beach all day. And if a man does choose to buy me a gift; I am more of an collection of books by my favorite authors, vintage dress, or art piece type of girl, but I digress. In one of my previous relationships I met a man who literally only bought me used gifts.

It was a relationship that started and moved pretty quickly. I have written about him before (see the Break-Up Text edition) and we dated for two years, and lived together for the last year of our relationship. We met in August and became a couple in September…Yup, that fast. By the time December rolled around I wasn’t expecting anything major, and had been looking for a new beach cruiser for myself online. Well he saw this and pretty much hinted at him buying me that for Christmas so I was super excited! Christmas Eve came and we exchanged gifts. I had gotten him digital camera, and excitedly awaited to see my new-and pink-beach cruiser. He handed me a little white box in a Tiffany bag and my heart literally sank.

Most women would see this and squeal for joy, but as I said I am just not that type of girl which I expressed to him, and thought he understood. Anyway I open the box and there is a silver heart shaped bracelet. Of course I thought-and still do-it was beautiful and genuinely liked the gift he gave me. I proudly wore it to my parents and grandparents houses the next day and showed it off. But I also wondered how he decided upon the gift since in all honesty he was very stingy…okay he was cheap as hell! Turns out his friends girlfriend worked at the store and bought it on discount. That my friends was gift number one, and the only new gift he gave me.  Continue reading

How First Date Sex Can Screw You Over


First date sex can either be really great, super awkward or the only time this action happens with the person you are doing it with. Really great first date sex is just that…really great and may even turn into a few more dates that conclude in more great sex. Then there is super awkward first date sex that you do when you’re trying to get over an ex, or do because you really thought the guy/girl you met and talked to all night in the darkly lit bar was super cute, and the future love of your life. So, you get to their house and have awkward-you’re-not-as-hot-as-I-thought-you-were-but-I’m-here-so-let’s-just-do-this-kind-of-sex.

Then, there is the most repeated scenario these days: the one night stand sex, and you will either leave in the middle of the night, or fall asleep and escape at 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Why is it that waking up at 6:00 a.m. for work is literally the worst/hardest thing to do, but when escaping a one night stand, is the easiest action to accomplish and you didn’t even have your alarm set.?

 My friend came into my office and we had a first date sex debate. She stated, “I never give it up on the first date. I make them work for it…at least six months!” To which I replied, “Honey he can dump you after the first date, or just as easily six months later.” Here is my issue with first date sex: It can ruin everything! Okay that was super dramatic, but I have made the first date sex mistake a few times in my dating life, and I have come to the conclusion that it can speed up (an often one-sided) emotional attachment without an emotional attachment. The one-sided attachment formed is usually on behalf of us women, because once we surrender our body to someone we do form an emotional attachment to them whether we intended to or not. Continue reading

Being the “In-Between Girl” Sucks

Today my girlfriend and I spoke for over an hour about our dating experiences and issues both good, and bad. She was upset as she complained about her ex recently committing to a new relationship, and asked me why he could so easily commit to the new woman in his life, but could never fully commit to her. I explained to her it is because she is the “In-Between Girl”. What is the in-between girl you ponder?
Let me break it down for you. As you know the girl a guy doesn’t really care about but runs to when he is lonely is known as the “back-up girl”. Then, there is the girl the guy cheats with known as the “side-chick girl”. Well, ladies and gentlemen there is a phenomenon that has been occurring for years, in which, a guy dates a girl, but does not want to fully commit to her, and does not want her to commit to anyone else, and this is the “In-Between girl”. While dating the in-between girl a man behaves as her boyfriend, but refuses to actually refer to her as his girlfriend…Sound familiar?

So, let’s say you meet a great guy online, or at a bar. You go on dates, talk on the phone, he introduces you to his friends and vice-versa. You are sleeping together and spending most of your time together, may even spend a holiday or birthday together, but he has yet to refer to you as his girlfriend, or fully commit to being in a relationship with you. Now you as a woman say to yourself, ‘Self this is okay…you’ve met his friends, he took you to dinner for your birthday, and you spend your weekends with him…you are his girlfriend, you don’t need a title.’ Really? You don’t need a title? Everyone has a title honey. Your boss is your boss, your best friend is your best friend, your mom is your mom, and your boyfriend is in fact…your boyfriend.

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Why I Don’t Really Love Valentine’s Day


Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and according to every single commercial, and retail store you must celebrate it. What are the exact origins of Valentine’s Day anyway? Well kids, I did my research a’la Google and honestly, there is no definitive answer. There was said to be a Bishop named St. Valentine who secretly married people (around 270 AD) when it had been banned by some dude named Claudius as he saw married men as being to weak, and therefore unable to fight as soldiers in war. Although there is no solid proof of this, and it is said that St. Valentine signed a note he wrote to his lover “From Your Valentine”.

When I was a kid I obsessed over buying the cutest Valentines from the store. Why? Because we all had that handmade card holder attached to the front of our desk at school for people to drop their Valentines Day cards and treats for us into. I would really, really, stress about how many cards or treats I would get, and who would give me one. Just think of Charlie Brown with his briefcase in class on Valentine’s Day…ummm…yeah that was me..kinda…well a lot. I put all of my hopes on this one day.

There is something about Valentine’s Day that drives women into a frenzy of emotions. There is the bitter girl, the angry girl, the ‘I don’t need a man anyway’ girl, the over emotional girl, and the ‘I’m in love with love’ girl. Which one are you? I think on some level I may have been everyone of these girls at different points in my love life. There were the high school years of pure naivety when I thought the girls who had huge flowers bouquets, candy-grams, or dates for Valentine’s were the luckiest and prettiest girls. Then came the college years when I had my string of heartbreaks and thus can care less about Valentine’s Day.

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5 Signs He’s Not Over His Ex


Dating someone new is fun, scary, nerve-racking and mysterious all at the same time. It’s fun to be excited about a new person in your life. It’s also scary to let your guard down and be vulnerable, and I don’t know about you, but I love it when a new special someone gives me butterflies in my stomach. Well, then there is the mysterious part…Most times we are so busy enjoying the newness, butterflies, rainbows and unicorns that have suddenly appeared in our lives along with this new person, that we may not notice some other issues. One major issue I have dealt with in relationships past: Is he really over his Ex?

An ex-boyfriend of mine owned a cat. Let’s just say that besides being deathly allergic to them…I just do not like them in general. Yeah, okay, some of you may have just gotten pissed off, but hey I like dogs, don’t judge me! But I digress…So, my ex had a cat and one night my throat closed up and I could barely breathe from said cat, so he promised to vacuum and keep the cat in another room anytime I came over. While I did not like the whole ‘guy with a cat’ thing, I did really like him and I tried to deal with the cat.

One night while discussing our pasts he tells me that the cat is actually his ex-girlfriends cat that he inherited. Here’s my issue with this scenario…okay well here is my second or third issue with this scenario. Firefighter (did I forget to mention that we will be referring to him as firefighter? Sorry, we will be calling him firefighter because as you all know I don’t use names unless I have been given permission.) really, really, loved his cat. But I wanted firefighter to really, really love me, and every time I looked at that cat I saw the life he had before me with someone else.  Continue reading

Tell Me I’m Beautiful


One day my ex made a comment that stuck with me for the rest of our relationship. At the time I had gotten fired from my job because I was in school (how effed up is that?!) and had fallen into a depression, and to be completely forthcoming, I had gained a little weight. Not a lot of weight, but some and being that I am such a petite girl any weight gain will show. Needless to say I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself and being depressed that I had not noticed the weight gain. Then, at Thanksgiving when my aunt commented on it, it literally hit me that I had been in a negative space and needed to stop feeling that way immediately. And so I did, and the small amount of noticeable weight I had gained rapidly came off as I began to use my unemployment days to jog and do Tae-Bo.

 Cut to about a month or so later when my scrawny ex-boyfriend then decided to become obsessed with gaining weight and looking perfect. I stood in the bedroom and in answer to me talking about him working out he says, “I need to whip your body into shape.” Wow…just typing that sentence literally puts me back into that bedroom standing in shock as he sauntered past me as though what he said was completely okay. And the worse aspect of it is that to him it was. There had been a huge shift in our relationship at that point, and I began to notice how he seemed jealous of certain elements of my life.
At the time I enrolled full-time into school, found a part-time job, began building my body back to its petite state, and spent time studying, working and hanging with my family. And instead of being happy for me in turning my negative situation of being fired, going on unemployment and struggling to pay rent (oh and yes he made three times as much as I did, and made me use my unemployment checks to pay half of the rent!) into positives, and being productive, he became angry, defensive and jealous. He would constantly put me down and make hateful comments about my appearance, or the fact that I went to school etc…I was excelling in my life and he could not handle it.

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Am I Too Independent?

The other day while literally staring off into space I think I had a epiphany…Really am I being that dramatic in the opening line of this post? Yes, I am. Here’s the thing…I was thinking back to all of my relationships past and the one recurring theme, or should I say issue that has been brought up with me is that I am too independent. This was very prevalent in my last relationship I was in. And thinking back my independence has distanced men from me my entire life. When I was younger my dad wished I were more dependent all the time. As an adult he told me that my independence actually bothered him as he had constantly complained to my mom that he wished I would come to him, or them when I had a problem.

I had my first real boyfriend at age 18 during my Senior year of high school and he had serious issues with my independence. I distinctly remember him getting mad at me because I wouldn’t let him wash my car for me, and wanted to do it myself. Sounds really trivial right? Why wouldn’t I just let him do it? Maybe because it was MY car and I worked my butt off getting good grades, and not getting in trouble so my parents would even get it for me. Maybe because I felt that the car was MY responsibility and I should be the one to take care of it. And maybe I just wanted him to know that I could take care of my car, and myself, and felt a need to prove it to him for some reason.

As a kid I was bullied and tormented by my classmates and even some teachers. I never once told my parents. It started in the first grade and unlike any other kid who would share what was going on with their parents, I felt that I needed to deal with my problems myself and not burden my parents, or have my parents “save” me. But where this feeling came from I have no idea. As I got older and as the bullying, gossip and my classmates torture became worse, I closed up even more. I only went to my parents once, because I got in trouble at school for finally fighting back, and they were called. I felt showing them and anyone else that I could not handle my own situations myself showed weakness, and I never want to be weak.  Continue reading