I previously wrote a list of 10 Things Not to Do in Front of Your Man and it has been my most popular blog post to date, so why not let the fellas know exactly what we don’t want to see them do right?! In actuality men have it pretty easy when it comes to so-called “bad behavior” because most of it is written off as just boys being boys i.e. burping, farting, sex jokes etc…and most of the times it may bother us but we really want to seem like the cool girlfriend or wife that doesn’t nag their man to stop doing whatever the hell it is that grosses us out. So, I’ll say it for you…I don’t care if your man hates me for it because there were some ladies that hated me for calling out our behavior on my previous list!
1) Commenting on our friends, sisters, cousins, co-workers looks: This can either go horribly wrong or kind of right. For example: “Your mom is so beautiful you look just like her.” and then there is, “Yeah…your sister’s boobs are bigger than yours, but all I need is a handful.” (No this is not a made up example either, but I digress.) Look, its not like we expect you to not look at, desire or feel attracted to anyone else, but hearing how fine/hot/beautiful/pretty you think our best friend/sister/co-worker is, is not on our list of things we want to hear.
Why? They are to close to home and to close to you. This is a scenario we see constantly played out in movies, television dramas and Maury Povich, so the last thing we want to equate with you is getting a phone call from Maury’s producer. Thinking someone is beautiful does not mean you are going to cheat on us with them either, but would you want us telling you how sexy we think your brother is? Didn’t think so.
2) Trying to solve all of our problems for us: Guys we understand you are natural problem solvers but when we are venting about our co-worker Tanya (listen I don’t care how mature you are, we all have that one co-worker that just irks the hell out of us). For example, “Tanya flirts with everyone and it pisses me off! I’m sure she’s sleeping with our boss because she wouldn’t have gotten that raise otherwise!” Pause right here.
What are you supposed to say to that? Should you try and solve this dilemma for her? Are you supposed to agree that Tanya is a slut? Do you tell your girl she may be reacting a bit over-the-top? No to everything! Just listen and please don’t try and come up with a plan of action unless we ask. We have been dealing with Tanya for a long time now and know what we need to do, but we can’t talk about her with anyone at work so we at times need to vent about it to you. Please put the whiteboard, markers, and note cards away…we got this.
3) Texting/DM/Instant Messaging pics of your wiener: Let’s just be clear about this one okay guys. The days of being fascinated by how your wiener looks left when we started having sex. We know what it looks like and do not need to have it saved in our phones memory, e-mail database, or IM screen. There is nothing wrong with sexting and building up the anticipation of a night of amazing sex, and a few naughty texts are always great, but the constant influx of pics of you standing in the bathroom mirror naked with the toilet behind you in the background is starting to get old. If you must, one is enough…trust me. I always say that if a man really wants to turn me on he should text the following: When I get home I am going to pick you up, throw you on the bed, grab the…vacuum and clean the carpet. If you did this, I’d be home, naked, and waiting.
4) Using the bathroom in front of us/leaving the bathroom door open: I also wrote about this for us ladies so stop rolling your eyes guys. There is a comfort factor that settles in between couples and a little bit of the shall we say “mystery” dies. I know, I know, you guys are men and in essence go to the bathroom in front of other men all the time right? So what’s the big deal? Let me clarify what I mean by using the bathroom in man terms…taking a dump. There I said it, it’s out there.
Close the damn door, do not talk to me through the door, do not tell me about the size of your crap, do not comment on the smell of it, but do be a gentlemen and give me a quick, non-descriptive warning me before I go in after you. Let me also state that taking in a book, magazine, laptop, guitar, cell phone or whatever prop you need is also your prerogative, but don’t you ever in hell bring it out, and hand it to me, without wiping it down with a sanitizing wipe or spraying it with Lysol. That is all.
5) Scratching your balls and/or sitting in front of the TV with your hand down your pants: Okay Al Bundy, you sitting in front of the television with your hand down your pants is not sexy. You scratching your balls mid conversation at the mall is not sexy. You adjusting your balls while walking in the grocery store is…not…sexy. We get it sometimes your balls land in an awkward place and need to be shifted, but can you be a bit more discreet about it, or excuse yourself when you do it, or just say excuse me when you do it in front of us? Not to mention that your balls can also get very sweaty, so when you’re sitting in front of the TV or computer with your hands down your pants we know you’re either jacking off or adjusting said sweaty balls. In any case you need to be more aware of others around you, wash your hands, and while your at it wash your balls. Continue reading