Why I Choose to Live My Life Childfree for Now

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 Kids are amazing…the way they see the world, the way they learn, their smiles and laughter melt my heart. I have spent years teaching and babysitting kids, but yet the desire to have one of my own has never surfaced in my psyche. As a young girl we are taught through fairytale stories, television shows, movies etc. that you grow up, get married, and become a mom. Many women feel the essence of becoming a woman is being able to give birth to a child. And, some of us for now or forever, choose to live our lives childfree.

I like shoes, I like to buy them, wear them, and match them up with my moods and outfits. I love to travel, eat out, and get up and go whenever I want. I love to spend my money how I please, spend time with my family and friends, and I love kids, but…here is the kicker…I do not want to have any. I am 32yrs old and have no inkling whatsoever to have a baby. The funny thing is people either do not believe me, tell me I just haven’t found the right person, or think I do not like kids.
Having a child is-from what I’ve seen, and been told-an amazing, painful, exhilarating, loving, heartfelt and challenging moment in a woman’s life that she will literally never forget. Well you know what moments I will never forget? The time I was in Nordstroms and bought my first pair of James Frye boots on sale for $300! Now most people would say I was crazy to compare my shoe buying experiences to having a child, but that moment is a moment I will never forget. And that moment makes me happy.

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For a While, I Was a Side Chick

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Okay here it is the biggest dating mistake I have ever made: I cheated…well I helped someone cheat, I mean…alright I dated a guy who had a girlfriend. I know what you’re thinking, that I am horrible and I have to say at the time I thought I was special, different, and that he and I would ride off into the sunset together. I was naive thinking that I was who he really wanted to be with and that when the time was right-for him-he would break things off with her and we would live happily ever after. Ridiculous I know and while I am not at all proud of what I did the experience taught me so much about myself.

In this toxic situation I allowed myself to get into I realized one day that I completely put all of his needs before mine. I honestly believed he cared about me, and dare I say loved me, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. See, right there that’s the mistake I and most women make. We think we are going to change him as though we are a magical entity that will all of a sudden change his entire mindset because he has experienced us. That was a huge mistake and taught me that no matter what you cannot change a man, or believe a man will magically fall in love with you because YOU want him to.

Another mistake I made is believing that he and I had a special connection or friendship that I invested my emotions in. When I did that I allowed things to be said and done that I would not have put up with in any normal dating circumstance.

Why was I allowing myself to be used in the name of “friendship”? And more importantly why did I convince myself that this “friendship” was making me happy? I easily allowed myself to be manipulated and since he was so good at it I convinced myself that this was not manipulation, and that this situation would actually change for the better. This was me in fact settling. 
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My Date with the Jokester Part II

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 I tried….I really did, but Mr. I think I’m a comedian, lost me, and it only took one date and a few text conversations later to do so. So how in fact did Mr. Comedian lose me in just one date? Here’s how:
     1) Showing up a half hour late and not calling or texting to tell me: Mr. Comedian is the first guy since high school to show up so late for a date, but here’s the difference. In high school cell phones were just gaining popularity-well for my generation anyway-and we still used pagers. Now in 2012 the age of the cell phone, there is literally NO excuse for not calling or at least texting a woman to tell her you’ll be late for a date…especially your first one!

     2) Using the date as a one-man show performance: Mr. Comedian did exactly that! Placing the spotlight completely on himself in a very obnoxious way by turning every topic, or situation into a joke. As I said in my earlier post I love to laugh and be with a man who is funny, but when everything is a joke, or being made fun of how do I know when to ever take you seriously? And can we just turn it down a tad bit on the first date please?

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My Date with the Jokester

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My date thinks he’s a comedian. At least that’s how he acted. I felt as though I was his personal audience of one, and I did not know how to react to the perpetual spotlight he seemed to have carried around with him, along with his mic of course. The thing is we have had many phone and-of course in this day and age-text conversations and while he throws in jokes here and there, they are actually funny. What can I say he gives good phone! 

When we were out I expected to get to know the real him…no I actually hoped to get to the root of him, you know the meat, the insides, and see what was underneath the joking exterior layer he has presented to me since I met him over two months ago.

With this expectation in mind I agreed to our first date Friday night. We went the usual route and had dinner at my favorite Italian eatery (Al Fornaio) if you have not tried it, I suggest you do so immediately, but I digress. And followed dinner with a PinkBerry run and a movie. Pretty normal date activity, but there was something off, something that I could not quite understand about my date. He showed up late and did not call or text to say he’d be late.  


Honestly, I was not ready at our decided time, so I did not mind him being late, but it would have been nice if he would have acknowledged he was late, and at least apologized for it. Instead he made a joke about it. That was Joke #1. When he saw me he stated something to the effect like, “Oh I didn’t know this date was so formal…look at you all fancy!” That was Joke #2. Here’s my question…why not just say, “You look great.” Instead of making it into some weird self conscious thing? 

In the car on the way to the restaurant he continued with the jokes about helicopters and jogging suits and any other random thing he could think of interjecting into the conversation…we’ll just label those Jokes #4-#10 for the sake of this post. At the restaurant he seemed to have let his spotlight dim a bit, which I was very happy about, and we had conversation about all the regular first date subjects you tackle.
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Feels Like the First Time

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 Chemistry is an essential ingredient in all relationships, but if you do not have sexual chemistry can the relationship last? Whenever you meet someone new, there are a lot of firsts that you have with that person. The first date, the first all night conversation, the first kiss, etc…
Which brings me to an awkward moment many of us have had; The first time you have sex with someone new. Here’s the thing, first time sex can be so amazing, but it can also take a very weird and not so amazing turn. Mistakes can be made that either make you run away, or make you want to improve every other time from that point on!

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Let’s Wait a While

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Sex is a huge factor in most relationships, and most times we end up having sex with people we are not in relationships with. While I am in no way passing judgment on those who do I am explaining why I have taken that option off of my table. There is something to be said for two adults who actually take the time to get to know each other without the complications of sex clouding their judgment.

 

Often (women especially) have sex with a man in the very early stages of dating, whether that be the first or third date, and wonder why one month later he has disappeared…or moved onto someone else. It’s not about making him wait, or testing him to see how patient he will be. It is about getting to know someone for who they truly are and deciding this person is who you want to be in an exclusive relationship with.
There are plenty of women and men who can separate emotion from sex, and to get caught up in the rush of endorphins and clouded judgments that make you believe they’re the one when in fact they are not. I am not one of those people. I dated someone a few months ago for about a month and he wanted to take things to the next level.  I explained that I was not ready as he was dating other people and, felt it was not safe, nor a good idea at the time.
Cut to one week later when he disappears and three weeks later texts me with a pathetic excuse for his absence. Had I slept with him my heart would have been broken, and I would have felt like a fool. Luckily he did not get that piece of my emotion, heart, and soul because I chose to not give it away too soon. Now into my thirties, I have finally figured out what I want and it’s not a fling, but a committed relationship, and until I truly get to know someone and vice versa, there are lots of diners that I will allow to sit at my table, but only that special one will have dessert.

Twitter: @AwkwardGirlLA

The Cable Guy Called Me Out on My Dating Issues

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The cable guy told me I had commitment issues: I recently canceled my incredibly high priced cable subscription in an effort to save money and focus on my business more and t.v. less. Cable guy #1 tried to get me not to cancel and sell me on how I’d be missing out on “so much” because I no longer had cable. To which I explained there was absolutely nothing he could say to prevent me from canceling and saving money.
I then called two other cable companies to compare packages for future reference, and that’s when it happened. I had a philosophical conversation about my issues with Cable guy #2.
After selling me on a new cable package he had me fishing out my credit card from my wallet when he dropped a huge bomb on me: I’d have to sign a two-year contract to get the specials he was offering! That’s when he lost me. I freaked out-literally. I could feel my heart racing as I held the phone and my credit card immediately went back into my wallet.

Dear New Guy

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Recently my good friend got engaged and when your friends lives start to change it inevitably makes you think about yours. Over the summer I made a pact with my friends to stop running from commitment, and date outside of my “usual” box. Enter, the new guy, who I met at the end of the summer and have been dating for a month now.
There is something about dating someone new, it feels great, you think about them all the time, and you instantly feel amazing every time they are around you. I on the other hand feel none of these things! 

See previous posts regarding my commitment issues lol…When I date someone new I go into panic mode and instantly fear all of the new feelings I feel, and try and push them far, far, away. And this is the behavior I have vowed to change!
When you hit a certain age-as I am now checking the 30 & over box on my health forms-you begin to reevaluate all of the decisions you have previously made, and wonder how those decisions have shaped your life making you into the person your are today. With that being said there is a lot I’d like to say to the new guy, but still haven’t conquered the fear that keeps me from saying them. Maybe I should warn the new guy about all my quirks, and give him a chance to run away, or is it giving myself a chance to run like hell like the old me would do.
    
     Dear New Guy,
 I like you so much that it scares the hell out of me. You are an amazing person, and make all the fears I have about being committed to someone disappear. At times I am neurotic, insecure, and afraid to verbalize how I feel. Most times I am strong and confident, but when it comes to love I still have a lot to learn. There will be times when I try to push you away by over analyzing everything you do, but know that this will change in time…New guy, whether we make it or not, just knowing you has already made my life better. 

That Time He Mailed Me My Underwear

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 Confession time: I push people away, I find a fault or create one and use that as an excuse to run away from whoever I am dating at the time. I haven’t always been this way…or maybe I have, but I am really trying to change my ways. There was one person in particular-I will refer to him as Mr. J-yes that moniker is completely unoriginal, but I am 98% sure he does not read my posts so using that lame moniker is totally okay in this instance.

I met Mr. J last fall and it took me no time to like him as a friend. He was the most confident, self-assured, smart, creative, laid back guy I had met in a long time. We talked until the next morning the first time we had a phone conversation and did the same on our first date. He was not the usual type I date, which made him even more interesting.
I pushed him away from the start, and convinced myself that I did not like him and only wanted him as a friend. Then something happened and I began to really like him…that’s where all the trouble started. In fact that’s where all the trouble usually starts for me.

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5 Ways to Keep Your Skin Summer Ready

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Summer is right around the corner which means you will be wearing less and showing way more skin than usual. And walking around with dry, flaky, skin is never okay so I am giving out 5 simple and easy tips to keep your skin Summer Ready:

1) 10 minute warm (not hot) showers: Limiting the amount of time you spend in the shower is not only great for the environment, but also does wonders for your skin. During the Spring/Summer months the weather is very drying to your skin and when you shower under very hot water for a long period of time it can have the same drying effects. Instead shower in warm water for 10 minutes (add 5 minutes for shaving or hair washing if needed), and it can be done because I do it everyday!

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The Business of Marriage

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 My parents have been married for 36 years. Just writing that sentence is amazing! But it has not been without their own drama, and times where they felt like giving up and divorcing. But my parents also got married at a time where people had to pick up the telephone and call each other to speak, and cell phones did not exist let alone texting, facebook, myspace, or twitter.
Their generation also had a different mindset, which was that you grow up get a job, get married, and have kids, and in that order. Now you don’t really have to grow up, and can have kids while you’re still a kid and get a reality show out of it, and don’t necessarily have to work a 9-5 to have a career.  I still find myself having the same conversation with all of my friends, and inevitably the question is always asked…Is marriage worth it?

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Not Every Woman is Desperate for a Boyfriend

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 My friends and I have come across an epidemic lately: Men who believe that we are desperate to have them as our boyfriends. Listen I am not bashing love or being in love, I am all for love, and think that when you find someone amazing you should not pass them by. As of recent events in my life I have come to find that there is a way of thinking when it comes to women and what they want from men.
 PSA: Guys not every woman is desperate to have you as their man. Just because we are dating does not mean we are secretly planning our future wedding date in our heads. Women like to have fun with no commitments too sometimes, and if we wanted you to be our boyfriend…trust me you’d know. Now that I got that public service announcement out of the way let’s get down to business.

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Throw Away Your Dating Checklist!

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The “List” we all have one and we use it to measure up a new potential mate we meet. I can distinctly recall my first semester at Los Angeles College and one day in Psychology class the Professor asked for volunteers for an experiment. He called us out of the room one by one and then asked us to return to ask us a series of questions: 
 
Professor, “What do you look for in a mate?” Me, “Ummmm….he has to be nice, and tall, and thin, and have no kids, and have no ex-wife, and have a good job, and be smart.” That was the 22 year old me that adhered to that specific list (which had more must haves on there then I listed in class that day) for many more dating years…until now.

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5 Dating Mistakes I Made Last Year

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 In 2009 I ended a two year-shouldn’t have stayed so long because he was horrible-relationship, so that summer, and following fall was all about having fun with my girls aka: Breaking hearts and taking names! That was then, this is now…In 2011 I made my fair share of “Dating Mistakes” that I will share in hopes that I never make them again. New Year equals a New Me! Here are the five dating mistakes I made last year:

Mistake #1) Making excuses: If he wants you, you will know! When a man wants you he shows you period. Stop making excuses for his absence or lack of attention. I go to school, work full-time, and started my own business this year, but I still make time for someone when I am interested in them. Listen if President Obama can orchestrate date nights with the First Lady then the guy you met at the bar, mall, or Barnes & Noble last week can make time for you. So I will no longer accept or perpetuate lame excuses. If you want me show me.

Mistake #2) Trying to change someone. Never and I mean never try to change someone to fit the mold of what you want or need them to be. If he is telling you from the jump that he does not want to get married, and you know that you do, do not think that you will change his mind about marriage. If he wants kids, and you know you don’t do not try to show him all the benefits of a child-free life to better suit your needs. 


When people change to please others is not a genuine change. You change to improve yourself or your own life which will in turn make you more attractive to others. No trying to change him, either love him the way he is or walk away. 

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