Tag: dating

Can’t I Be Smart and Pretty?

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 pretty

In the first grade I was the best reader in my class. Actually I was the fastest reader, speller and everything else you like to be in the first grade. In the second grade I really stepped my “smart game” up and began reading chapter books, practicing cursive writing and studying spelling words like they were the Holy Grail. My school wanted to skip me up one grade but my dad said no-to which I am still pissed about, but I digress…yeah dad, I’m still mad at you for that one-so I continued to push myself further and further, studying every single day.

My siblings and I went to private school in Redondo Beach, Ca. For my lovely readers unfamiliar with this city, it is obviously a beach city here in L.A. and in the late 80’s, let’s just say outside of my siblings, there were maybe two other black kids there. My first day of school I literally raised my hand and answered every single question that the teacher asked the class. Literally raising my hand before anyone else…on purpose. I distinctly remember answering a question the teacher asked and a boy next to me saying, and I quote, “Wow…you really are smart!” That was all the fuel I needed to light my “I am smart” fire.

Soon teachers began questioning every test or assignment I turned in. They’d ask me who I cheated off of, or who helped me. One teacher even made me re-take a test I easily aced, because how on earth did this little black girl come in and win. More fuel thrown on my fire. I craved knowledge, learning about any and everything I could. I took piano and won every recital I was in. I read more books then anyone else and did my first book report on Lucille Ball, my comedy idol I’d grown to love while obsessively watching re-runs of her at home. I sang in the choir and memorized my Easter Sunday speeches so well that they would assign me the biggest and longest speeches purposely. I started acting in plays at school and would memorize not just my role, but the entire play often helping kids with their lines while on stage. I wasn’t even out of grade school. I was smart. I was smart. I was smart.  Continue reading →

If You Chase Him…He Will Run

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 I love guys. I love the way they smile. I love the way they smell. I love how they put their hand on your neck while kissing you. I love men. When I am interested in a guy I expect it to be all easy and sparkly. I want him to bump into me while I’m at the bookstore, reach for the same book on the shelf, touch my hand, feel my sparkle and fall in love with me. What has been my pattern is finding and chasing the most emotionally unavailable men of the Los Angeles area.

 

Here’s how it goes down: I meet someone who I am attracted to. He may or may not be attracted to me, which I usually have no clue of, because as usual they never just tell me how they feel, so I set out to “find out” if they do. Hence the emotional unavailability. This is when the chase becomes a game I set out to win. I suddenly become a lion chasing after the gazelle in the wild. Letting someone know you are interested in them is amazing. It’s a risk that you take and you literally roll the dice hoping that he/she will pick them up, kiss them, and place them in your hand, along with their heart.

Sometimes, love sucks. Like when you are so into someone and they are not reciprocating your feelings. I’m way to scared to say what I’m thinking when I do have feelings for someone. In my head it’s like, ‘Hey you cute guy, I like you, and you should totally like me, let’s go hang out at the bookstore, and ride unicorns on sparkly highways for the rest of our lives.’ In person, I’m totally awkward, talk a lot, and make random self-deprecating jokes out of nervousness when I’m around someone I like. If I see or feel an inkling of that person maybe, sort kinda, just a tad, almost, kind of a little bit liking me back…the lioness in me roars it’s awkward head and he becomes the gazelle that I must chase, capture and keep locked up in my heart.  Continue reading →

Dear Nice Guys Everywhere, I Was Wrong

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nice guys-2

I dated a nice guy once. He was the sweetest guy ever and I dumped him. Let me set the scene…it was fourth grade, the year was 1990, and Billy, my boyfriend at school was not really the guy I liked the best, but he liked me the most. For Halloween he had a trick-or-treat party and his parents said they liked me. Being that I was one of two black girls in the school and there son was white and we were ten…they were pretty cool about it!

Billy was very attentive and would always hang out with me during recess, sit next to me in class or stare at me all googly-eyed throughout the day. Then…it ended. He went on a family vacation to Hawaii and brought me back a few gifts; a necklace and a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts. That was it. The last straw. I decided Billy was smothering me, and dumped him. I remember sitting in class and he did not sit next to me. He stared at me with a broken heart and puppy dog eyes, and after the resident “bad boy” of our grade named Ryan, that I liked rejected me yet again, I instantly regretted breaking up with Billy.

Here’s the thing about “Nice Guys”…they get a bad rap. They are usually the dorky sidekick in a film or the band geek hiring someone to be their girlfriend in a movie. They almost always are portrayed as bad dressers, glasses wearers, and nasal voice having guys with no chest hair. They are always way into a girl that’s “too pretty” or “too cool” to go out with them so they pine after her as they watch her make-out with the “Bad Boy” in town.

The “Bad Boy” on the other hand is dope! He has an insane amount of swagger, is typically the best dressed, the most liked, and has mad bass in his voice. The “Bad Boy” is always spurning the advances of girls and women who literally swoon and catch the vapors as he walks by finger pointing and winking his eye at the same time (all Bad Boys must know how to perform this simultaneous action).

The “Bad Boy” always smells good, has like ten girlfriends at once, who all fight over him, and never gets pimples. He is desirable because he seems so unattainable. He is raw, sexual and mesmerizing. The “Bad Boy” has that…that…sexy something that makes you want to throw your panties at him every-damn-time-you-see-him. Even when he does the finger point/wink combo!  Continue reading →

When Your Ex Finds Someone New & You Don’t

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 exfinds

Why does it hurt so bad when we see our ex with someone new? My last boyfriend was not a very nice person. He was not a good person…as a matter of fact, he was one of the most selfish and unkind people I became to know, but I digress. Breaking up with someone is never fun and seeing your ex with someone new is heartbreaking. When my ex and I broke up over four years ago I actually felt relieved. He had cheated and we stayed together.

I became a paranoid koo koo bird that drove to the gym, parked outside of it, and checked to see if his car was there. I even did the dreaded…check his phone move. I was younger then I am now of course and I have clearly matured. So, if he was such a douchebag why did it hurt when I saw his lovey-dovey post on Facebook that included a picture of his new girlfriend?

Maybe I was hurt because he has someone new and I know who he really is. She hasn’t met the selfish, cheating, plays the guitar while sitting on the toilet, obsesses over his outfit choices, and owns more moisturizers then me guy. She has yet to meet Mr. I am going to the gym, but not really going there. New girl also doesn’t know Mr. I am going to call my mom and tell her all of our relationship business either. Why does ‘New Girl’ get to meet this new amazing and loving guy while I had to be with the aforementioned a-hole? It’s not fair.

Maybe I am jealous that he has a girlfriend and I, well, am single. I have not had a boyfriend since him and it’s been over four years. Okay, the first two years was me partying it up and having so much fun that the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend. Now that I have settled into my true self: I ma confident, working hard every single day to accomplish my goals, writing, acting etc. I would really love to have my “person” to share all of this with. Why does he get to have a “person” and I don’t. He sucks.  Continue reading →

5 Times When Being Single Sucks

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 5 Times When Being Single Sucks

 Sometimes being single friggin’ sucks. Before you roll your eyes at me, let me also state that if you are a regular reader of my blog you know that I in no way feel you need a man to complete you, be happy or live a fulfilled life…I have been happily single for over four years now and have written over 50 blog post demonstrating that. Now with that dtisclaimer being said…well typed…let me also state that there are definite times when being single does in fact suck:

 Being Single Sucks When:
 
1) When my 82 year old Grandmother tells me to use up my eggs before they dry up: Yup, this happened, in a store, in public, because when you’re 82, you can literally say anything you want and get away with it. It happened like this: 
Me: “Nanny, I don’t really care about getting married.”
Nanny: “How old are you now?”
Me: “33.”

Nanny: “You better use those eggs up before they dry up.”

Here’s why this sucks:

A) Who wants to disappoint their grandma?
B) I’m 33 years old and yes, my eggs are drying up.
C) I am literally in no rush to be married or have kids
D) There is no D actually, I just like even numbers.

Okay, so yes I am single, I am not in a rush to be married nor am I purposely looking for a man to procreate with. This is an instance when being single sucks, because I do think about the fact that both of my grandmothers are up in age, and if I were to find someone to spend my life with, I would like both of them to be here for it.

2) When I’m sick: Being that I am a 33 year old adult woman…I have my own place and do not live with my parents anymore. One of the worst times to live alone is when you are sick, and I don’t mean have a cold sick. I mean the flu, pneumonia, bronchitis, cannot go to work, drive yourself to urgent care, can’t talk, getting out of bed is impossible, even my eyelashes hurt kind of sick. I have been all of those things and have had to take care of myself by myself.

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90 Days on Match: 5 Reasons Why it Sucks

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1) There are over 100 questions the system asks you to answer to “Match” you with someone that has similar interests and then picks your interest based on none of those answers.

2) The Match.com system bases the matches they send you three common interest that are insanely frivolous like: You both enjoy dining out, Like you he likes dogs, and He enjoys watching movies. Really? Really Match? Really?

3) Match.com does not check the ethnicity preferences their members have chosen before they match them up to you. For instance 80% of the matches Match.com has sent me, have been members that only want to date women that are not black/African American. The members in most cases have chosen white/Caucasian, Latino/Hispanic or Asian as their ethnicity of choice.

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I Never Got to Wear My Wedding Dress

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 wedding

One day in 2009, Halloween to be exact, my mom and I went shopping at the mall and began looking for wedding dresses. Let me set the scene; my ex-boyfriend and I had been together over one year and he wanted us to move in together. I did not. I have written about him before…he’s the jerk I lived with and broke up with me over text message. Yes, that happened. Anyway we moved in together after all, and things were going well…and when he told me he wants to marry me I said, sure.

The conversation pretty much went like this: Him: We should get married…maybe next summer? Me: Okay, maybe we can go to Jamaica. So…ummm…yes that’s how the conversation went. I mentioned it to my mom a few months later and here we were in the mall on Halloween and decided to go look at wedding dresses. First we went to Saks. My mom wanted to buy me one of those ten thousand dollar wedding dresses, and I thought that was the craziest idea ever, because who the hell really needs a dress that costs that much? I had the brilliant, (but not highly favored by her), idea to go over to the David’s Bridal store across the mall parking lot and just well, grab something.

 When I walked into the store the sales woman immediately approached us and started asking me so many questions, and at such a speedy rate, that I just nodded yes to everything. Literally, anything she asked, said, or did, I just said yes! I don’t know why I became so discombobulated when she was firing all of these questions and suggestions at me, but I did. I honestly felt scared. Remember when you were little and your parents would turn off the light in your room, and you’d look over at your closet, knowing nothing was really in there, but convincing yourself that something or someone was? That’s how I felt. Like there was this monster inside the closet and I couldn’t figure out why.

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Let’s Discuss Birth Control

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Let's Discuss BirthControl

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/Q318FNIWskw&source=uds
This post is sponsored by Bedsider.org, all opinions are my own.

Okay kids here’s the skinny: I have written entire posts about condom usage and talking to your partner about what you want, need, don’t want, and absolutely will not do in bed. I’ve gone into detail about discussing finances with your partners and past sexual history, but then I realized I have yet to write about one other relationship aspect: Birth Control. Seems like such an easy thing to do right? I mean it’s all about a woman going to her doctor, grabbing a prescription, and taking it right? Oh man if it were only that easy…there are so many other factors to discuss, actualize and outweigh when it comes to you, your partner and birth control…

Birth control can be a pain in the ass. No, really, it can be. I have literally tried every type of pill, shot, patch etc. for years before I found what works for me. How many different types of pills? Umm…like 5 different types and they all had different effects on my body, one brand made my boobs swell up, which being an A-cup made me feel super sexy until I tried to sleep on my stomach and winced in pain. Back to the doctor…then I heard about the birth control patch, so I tried it and had an allergic reaction to it and went back to the pill. I kept forgetting to take my pill. Back to the doctor…she suggested the birth control shot, and I LOVED IT! Continue reading →

90 Days on Match: Fu*k those Match Commercials

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Listen, all of these insane, never going to happen, literally not based on anything but one fact in common like, ‘You both like dogs!’, Match.com matches are absolutely ridiculous! Week four has felt like a complete waste of time. During weeks 1-3 I figured I had to give it time, and see if the Match system could work in my favor…damn that, this site is absurd. Why my anger? Those super fake Match.com commercials that air all day. This is why they annoy me:

#1) Match.com asks you to sign up to be a featured member, which will include being in a Match commercial.

#2) The people in the commercial literally look perfect.

#3) The daters in the commercial all have these “Oh so busy lives”, like running marathons, working in fashion, etc. and just have not one minute in their day to try and find someone new.

Leading a busy life is real. Working an amazing job is real. Going on a date with a perfect looking man/woman is real. What is also real is that Match does not in any way try to actually Match you with…well, your Match! I’ve already explained how their system works in weeks 1-3 posts so I won’t re-hash all of the semantics. What I will discuss or type, or bitch about is the lack of effort from this company and the overstated claims they preach about in these commercials. Continue reading →

90 Days on Match: I Should Have Ignored You

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Okay kids, here I am three weeks into my 90 Days on Match.com experience, and let me just say that although the only way you can get to know someone is by making contact with them…I sure as hell wish I would not have made any contact with, well…anyone! For those of you that may need a refresher as to how this series on my blog came about, please read my first post and catch up on the goings on. Now let’s get down to the facts. During week 3 on Match my profile was viewed 52 times, I was sent 13 E-mails, and received a few winks. Here’s where it gets a bit dicey…

I worried too much about how I was viewed by the men who e-mailed me. The guys that e-mailed me this week, were men that I had no interest in, and I did not want to come across like a jerk and just ignore them, so I e-mailed them back to “let them down easy”. Ugh…I feel like a total jackass just writing that sentence down. Here’s the thing. I have been ignored by someone before, you know, you text or call them, and they never respond. Or, you go out with them, even sleep with them and never hear form them again. We have all been there, so I did not want to just read their e-mails and delete them without at least responding in some way.

One e-mail was really sweet, the guy told me how beautiful he thought I was, liked my smile etc. and I e-mailed him back basically letting him know I was not interested and wished him luck on his search. He seemed to understand so this was the “I’m not interested” e-mail I sent to everyone. Well, some of them took my response as encouragement instead of how it was intended. This is one of the caveats of online dating…there is no filter, literally, these men say ANY DAMN THING THEY WANT TO. Most of them could care less about you not responding, or responding to let them know you are not interested. There is something thrilling about seeing that little notification next to your inbox and it honestly gives you a feeling of adrenaline, mixed with feeling wanted. Really.

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90 Days on Match: This Sucks

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 90 Days on Match...this sucks
I recently read an article that fell onto my twitter feed about black women and online dating. The article stated that black women are the most ignored race on online dating sites. (Here is the NPR article in reference: (http://www.npr.org/2013/11/13/244991552/online-dating-asian-women-preferred) As soon as I read this I knew I had to test the waters and see what I could find. I previously wrote an article about online dating when I joined OkCupid, and was so annoyed with the entire experience that I literally only lasted one month in the online dating world! Cut to this article and I knew I could not ignore the statistics. I immediately signed up for Match.com as a three month subscriber and will be blogging my weekly experiences on the site.

Let me breakdown Match for those who may not be aware with how the site works: You can sign up for a fee-of course-and subscribe for three or six months, or can sign up for longer. If you do not cancel your subscription it will automatically re-start. After entering in basic information about yourself, you can answer questions to a quiz that asks you the types of matches you prefer.

During the week you are sent matches that are suggested by the Match computer and you can either skip, email, talk or send them a “wink” to let them know you are interested. Also, and this kind of sucks, there is a ticker counter on your profile that lets you know the number of people that have looked at your profile. That whole being able to see who and the number of people that view your profile thing can either crush your ego, or inflate it by the way… Continue reading →

Stop Calling Women Sluts

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 slutshaming

What’s that? You think I’m a slut? Oh, okay I thought you were insulting me, because calling me a “Slut” does not in any way make me feel bad about my choices in life. Women and girls have been called sluts for centuries, and mainly by other women. Slut and all of its variations: whore, tramp, and ho just to name a few is the go to reference when putting a woman or girl down for her behavior, clothes or attitude. In the eighth grade there were a group of girls who hated me and started rumors about me being a slut. The same thing happened in high school from a group of girls who decided they hated me as well. Slut-shaming is bullying behavior that we have all either been on the receiving end of, or dished out.

So what constitutes “slutty behavior”? Sleeping with multiple partners, sleeping with a married man, being a prostitute or stripper, making a sex tape, or just being overtly sexual? During the 1920’s the era of the Flapper was born and women rebelled against the rules of society in which they had to completely cover themselves, have long flowing hair, ample busts and not display their sexual prowess in public. Flappers cut their hair, drank in public, partied, wore short skirts and used their sexual wilds in any way they chose to. They were often referred to as sluts. In 1957 the birth control pill was approved by the FDA, but not for contraception use, only for severe menstrual issues, and was only used in secret up until the 70’s as women who used them were often referred to as sluts.

Why are all strippers considered sluts? When you’re at a bar or club with your friends and see a woman dancing provocatively or wearing a tight/short dress, why is she automatically put in the slut zone? How does one end up in the ‘Slut Zone’ anyway? I’ve been put in there by mean girls, I’ve put women there by judging their behavior or how many people they’ve dated. Let’s just scroll down a list of women who are popular for being classified as sluts, and basically live in the slut zone shall we: Continue reading →

Still Single? Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Give Up on Love…

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There’s something so amazing about having someone in your life that truly understands you, loves you just as you are and is not trying to change you into the version of what they want you to be. Oh, and how awesome is it to have a date for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner? Or someone special to make fun of all of the other couples that are “way into Valentines Day”? Then there’s all of the firsts you have with your special someone: first kiss, first date, first time you say I love you…and we can’t forget the first time right…am I right? Yup, all of those things are beyond wonderful…so if you don’t have those experiences in your life right now, or haven’t had them for four years like myself, does that mean you should just give up on having them? I say no.

Putting yourself out there really sucks sometimes. Yes, I said it…well, wrote it, I mean typed it. You know what I mean you guys! There are ten million different ways to find love: online dating sites, facebook, going to a bar, singles meet-ups, matchmaking services, twitter, instagram etc…and while all of these ways of meeting new people exist, most times actually using them in any form can be intimidating/scary/creepy/uncomfortable. So, what are we supposed to do? Wait around for Mr. or Mrs. Right? Or fearlessly put yourself out there so he or she will be able to find you? I say the latter and here’s why: No one is ever going to find you-or me-while you’re-or me-sitting at home everyday after work/every weekend. Ummm…yes that is my reason. Go with me on this…

Being single is fun. I really mean it I have been single for four years and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is something about being on your own and not having relationship issues to deal with; no fighting, no facebook stalking, no toilet seat being left up, no shaving your legs every damn day. Then there are the times when being single does kind of suck; when I have to take out the trash at midnight because I forgot to do it in the morning and I threw away that lettuce I never ate, and now my apartment smells like a dumpster, and when there is some sort of unidentifiable and gigantic bug crawling on my carpet, and when I have to make three friggin’ trips from my car to my apartment upstairs because I bought a normal amount of groceries! Argh…that groceries thing pisses me off every time.

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3 Reasons Why He Didn’t Call

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Dating sucks. First dates especially suck. It’s like you’re interviewing someone to decide whether or not they will play a role in your life and, let’s be frank, gain access to your lady parts. So, you meet a guy (or girl), exchange numbers, text for a few days, talk on the phone and decide you are interested, then comes the first date. Excitement at this point is at an all time high. For me it’s a mix of excitement and nausea, but I digress. No matter what you’re feeling there is always a hope that this person will become your “person”.

The first date goes really well and you end up talking for hours, he kisses you goodnight and tells you he had a great time…Cut to three days later and you still haven’t heard from him, so you think that he’s probably just playing it cool and send him a quick text to let him know you had a great time. Here it is two weeks later and it’s been total radio silence. You can’t help but wonder what the hell happened right? Did my breath stink, was my game off, what did I do?! Here are three reasons that may have played a part:

Reason #1) Expectations: Listen, having expectations is totally normal. I have expectations about everything in my life: I expect my hair to always look good, I expect my outfits to always make me look like a model, I expect to be a millionaire and I expect to be liked when I like someone. Does all of this sound rational? Perhaps not. Here is the thing about having high expectations…they are YOUR expectations. No one is making you feel anything. You have to own the fact that these expectations are your own and you are choosing to project them onto someone else.

You are not a princess, he is not a prince. You do not live in a castle. You are not friends with talking animals that help brush your hair in the morning. Expecting to find Mr or Mrs Right after date one may be a stretch, and expecting to have someone come into your life and all of a sudden make everything rainbows and roses is not fair to the person you’re on the date with. Expect to be treated with respect, expect to be appreciated for who you are, and expect to have a good time. Do not expect to be rescued, salvaged, saved, or given a tiara because it’s not going to happen. And, you don’t need it to! You are beautiful, smart, amazing and should have enough love for yourself that you don’t need to be rescued, but instead want to share your love with someone who deserves it. Crown your own self.

Reason #2) You Were Not Authentic: Being ourselves, and I mean our true selves can at times be scary. Here is what I mean by that…I am a total nerd, I watch a lot of Family Guy, Scooby Doo and The Regular Show. I unabashedly love cartoons, and 80’s music, especially Hall & Oats. Watching vintage films makes me happy, and so does riding my beach cruiser that I spray painted pink and covered with sparkles. These are just a few of the things that make me who I am and they can be just a tad embarrassing to reveal about yourself on a first date.

I know absolutely nothing about football nor do I care to know anything about it, but how many of us have pretended to be into it because the person we like is? We have all been there and why? Why pretend to be interested in something to please someone else? Then what happens is you come across as a liar because you will definitely be questioned about the subject you just pretended to be knowledgeable in and you will try to BS your way through an answer or have to lie to cover up for the fact that you lied initially!

The key to being yourself is not to be afraid to be yourself. On my next date if a guy asks me what I like to do I will let him know I am a writer, actress, avid reader…and I love cartoons, own a pink sparkly beach cruiser and listen to a lot of Hall & Oats. If he doesn’t like me for those reasons then he has to go. Be you, no matter what because in the end that is who this man (or woman) will have to love. Continue reading →