Tag: relationships

I Never Got to Wear My Wedding Dress

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 wedding

One day in 2009, Halloween to be exact, my mom and I went shopping at the mall and began looking for wedding dresses. Let me set the scene; my ex-boyfriend and I had been together over one year and he wanted us to move in together. I did not. I have written about him before…he’s the jerk I lived with and broke up with me over text message. Yes, that happened. Anyway we moved in together after all, and things were going well…and when he told me he wants to marry me I said, sure.

The conversation pretty much went like this: Him: We should get married…maybe next summer? Me: Okay, maybe we can go to Jamaica. So…ummm…yes that’s how the conversation went. I mentioned it to my mom a few months later and here we were in the mall on Halloween and decided to go look at wedding dresses. First we went to Saks. My mom wanted to buy me one of those ten thousand dollar wedding dresses, and I thought that was the craziest idea ever, because who the hell really needs a dress that costs that much? I had the brilliant, (but not highly favored by her), idea to go over to the David’s Bridal store across the mall parking lot and just well, grab something.

 When I walked into the store the sales woman immediately approached us and started asking me so many questions, and at such a speedy rate, that I just nodded yes to everything. Literally, anything she asked, said, or did, I just said yes! I don’t know why I became so discombobulated when she was firing all of these questions and suggestions at me, but I did. I honestly felt scared. Remember when you were little and your parents would turn off the light in your room, and you’d look over at your closet, knowing nothing was really in there, but convincing yourself that something or someone was? That’s how I felt. Like there was this monster inside the closet and I couldn’t figure out why.

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Let’s Discuss Birth Control

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Let's Discuss BirthControl

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/Q318FNIWskw&source=uds
This post is sponsored by Bedsider.org, all opinions are my own.

Okay kids here’s the skinny: I have written entire posts about condom usage and talking to your partner about what you want, need, don’t want, and absolutely will not do in bed. I’ve gone into detail about discussing finances with your partners and past sexual history, but then I realized I have yet to write about one other relationship aspect: Birth Control. Seems like such an easy thing to do right? I mean it’s all about a woman going to her doctor, grabbing a prescription, and taking it right? Oh man if it were only that easy…there are so many other factors to discuss, actualize and outweigh when it comes to you, your partner and birth control…

Birth control can be a pain in the ass. No, really, it can be. I have literally tried every type of pill, shot, patch etc. for years before I found what works for me. How many different types of pills? Umm…like 5 different types and they all had different effects on my body, one brand made my boobs swell up, which being an A-cup made me feel super sexy until I tried to sleep on my stomach and winced in pain. Back to the doctor…then I heard about the birth control patch, so I tried it and had an allergic reaction to it and went back to the pill. I kept forgetting to take my pill. Back to the doctor…she suggested the birth control shot, and I LOVED IT! Continue reading →

90 Days on Match: Fu*k those Match Commercials

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match

Listen, all of these insane, never going to happen, literally not based on anything but one fact in common like, ‘You both like dogs!’, Match.com matches are absolutely ridiculous! Week four has felt like a complete waste of time. During weeks 1-3 I figured I had to give it time, and see if the Match system could work in my favor…damn that, this site is absurd. Why my anger? Those super fake Match.com commercials that air all day. This is why they annoy me:

#1) Match.com asks you to sign up to be a featured member, which will include being in a Match commercial.

#2) The people in the commercial literally look perfect.

#3) The daters in the commercial all have these “Oh so busy lives”, like running marathons, working in fashion, etc. and just have not one minute in their day to try and find someone new.

Leading a busy life is real. Working an amazing job is real. Going on a date with a perfect looking man/woman is real. What is also real is that Match does not in any way try to actually Match you with…well, your Match! I’ve already explained how their system works in weeks 1-3 posts so I won’t re-hash all of the semantics. What I will discuss or type, or bitch about is the lack of effort from this company and the overstated claims they preach about in these commercials. Continue reading →

90 Days on Match: I Should Have Ignored You

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match

Okay kids, here I am three weeks into my 90 Days on Match.com experience, and let me just say that although the only way you can get to know someone is by making contact with them…I sure as hell wish I would not have made any contact with, well…anyone! For those of you that may need a refresher as to how this series on my blog came about, please read my first post and catch up on the goings on. Now let’s get down to the facts. During week 3 on Match my profile was viewed 52 times, I was sent 13 E-mails, and received a few winks. Here’s where it gets a bit dicey…

I worried too much about how I was viewed by the men who e-mailed me. The guys that e-mailed me this week, were men that I had no interest in, and I did not want to come across like a jerk and just ignore them, so I e-mailed them back to “let them down easy”. Ugh…I feel like a total jackass just writing that sentence down. Here’s the thing. I have been ignored by someone before, you know, you text or call them, and they never respond. Or, you go out with them, even sleep with them and never hear form them again. We have all been there, so I did not want to just read their e-mails and delete them without at least responding in some way.

One e-mail was really sweet, the guy told me how beautiful he thought I was, liked my smile etc. and I e-mailed him back basically letting him know I was not interested and wished him luck on his search. He seemed to understand so this was the “I’m not interested” e-mail I sent to everyone. Well, some of them took my response as encouragement instead of how it was intended. This is one of the caveats of online dating…there is no filter, literally, these men say ANY DAMN THING THEY WANT TO. Most of them could care less about you not responding, or responding to let them know you are not interested. There is something thrilling about seeing that little notification next to your inbox and it honestly gives you a feeling of adrenaline, mixed with feeling wanted. Really.

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90 Days on Match: This Sucks

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 90 Days on Match...this sucks
I recently read an article that fell onto my twitter feed about black women and online dating. The article stated that black women are the most ignored race on online dating sites. (Here is the NPR article in reference: (http://www.npr.org/2013/11/13/244991552/online-dating-asian-women-preferred) As soon as I read this I knew I had to test the waters and see what I could find. I previously wrote an article about online dating when I joined OkCupid, and was so annoyed with the entire experience that I literally only lasted one month in the online dating world! Cut to this article and I knew I could not ignore the statistics. I immediately signed up for Match.com as a three month subscriber and will be blogging my weekly experiences on the site.

Let me breakdown Match for those who may not be aware with how the site works: You can sign up for a fee-of course-and subscribe for three or six months, or can sign up for longer. If you do not cancel your subscription it will automatically re-start. After entering in basic information about yourself, you can answer questions to a quiz that asks you the types of matches you prefer.

During the week you are sent matches that are suggested by the Match computer and you can either skip, email, talk or send them a “wink” to let them know you are interested. Also, and this kind of sucks, there is a ticker counter on your profile that lets you know the number of people that have looked at your profile. That whole being able to see who and the number of people that view your profile thing can either crush your ego, or inflate it by the way… Continue reading →

Stop Calling Women Sluts

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 slutshaming

What’s that? You think I’m a slut? Oh, okay I thought you were insulting me, because calling me a “Slut” does not in any way make me feel bad about my choices in life. Women and girls have been called sluts for centuries, and mainly by other women. Slut and all of its variations: whore, tramp, and ho just to name a few is the go to reference when putting a woman or girl down for her behavior, clothes or attitude. In the eighth grade there were a group of girls who hated me and started rumors about me being a slut. The same thing happened in high school from a group of girls who decided they hated me as well. Slut-shaming is bullying behavior that we have all either been on the receiving end of, or dished out.

So what constitutes “slutty behavior”? Sleeping with multiple partners, sleeping with a married man, being a prostitute or stripper, making a sex tape, or just being overtly sexual? During the 1920’s the era of the Flapper was born and women rebelled against the rules of society in which they had to completely cover themselves, have long flowing hair, ample busts and not display their sexual prowess in public. Flappers cut their hair, drank in public, partied, wore short skirts and used their sexual wilds in any way they chose to. They were often referred to as sluts. In 1957 the birth control pill was approved by the FDA, but not for contraception use, only for severe menstrual issues, and was only used in secret up until the 70’s as women who used them were often referred to as sluts.

Why are all strippers considered sluts? When you’re at a bar or club with your friends and see a woman dancing provocatively or wearing a tight/short dress, why is she automatically put in the slut zone? How does one end up in the ‘Slut Zone’ anyway? I’ve been put in there by mean girls, I’ve put women there by judging their behavior or how many people they’ve dated. Let’s just scroll down a list of women who are popular for being classified as sluts, and basically live in the slut zone shall we: Continue reading →

Still Single? Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Give Up on Love…

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single

There’s something so amazing about having someone in your life that truly understands you, loves you just as you are and is not trying to change you into the version of what they want you to be. Oh, and how awesome is it to have a date for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner? Or someone special to make fun of all of the other couples that are “way into Valentines Day”? Then there’s all of the firsts you have with your special someone: first kiss, first date, first time you say I love you…and we can’t forget the first time right…am I right? Yup, all of those things are beyond wonderful…so if you don’t have those experiences in your life right now, or haven’t had them for four years like myself, does that mean you should just give up on having them? I say no.

Putting yourself out there really sucks sometimes. Yes, I said it…well, wrote it, I mean typed it. You know what I mean you guys! There are ten million different ways to find love: online dating sites, facebook, going to a bar, singles meet-ups, matchmaking services, twitter, instagram etc…and while all of these ways of meeting new people exist, most times actually using them in any form can be intimidating/scary/creepy/uncomfortable. So, what are we supposed to do? Wait around for Mr. or Mrs. Right? Or fearlessly put yourself out there so he or she will be able to find you? I say the latter and here’s why: No one is ever going to find you-or me-while you’re-or me-sitting at home everyday after work/every weekend. Ummm…yes that is my reason. Go with me on this…

Being single is fun. I really mean it I have been single for four years and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is something about being on your own and not having relationship issues to deal with; no fighting, no facebook stalking, no toilet seat being left up, no shaving your legs every damn day. Then there are the times when being single does kind of suck; when I have to take out the trash at midnight because I forgot to do it in the morning and I threw away that lettuce I never ate, and now my apartment smells like a dumpster, and when there is some sort of unidentifiable and gigantic bug crawling on my carpet, and when I have to make three friggin’ trips from my car to my apartment upstairs because I bought a normal amount of groceries! Argh…that groceries thing pisses me off every time.

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3 Reasons Why He Didn’t Call

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Dating sucks. First dates especially suck. It’s like you’re interviewing someone to decide whether or not they will play a role in your life and, let’s be frank, gain access to your lady parts. So, you meet a guy (or girl), exchange numbers, text for a few days, talk on the phone and decide you are interested, then comes the first date. Excitement at this point is at an all time high. For me it’s a mix of excitement and nausea, but I digress. No matter what you’re feeling there is always a hope that this person will become your “person”.

The first date goes really well and you end up talking for hours, he kisses you goodnight and tells you he had a great time…Cut to three days later and you still haven’t heard from him, so you think that he’s probably just playing it cool and send him a quick text to let him know you had a great time. Here it is two weeks later and it’s been total radio silence. You can’t help but wonder what the hell happened right? Did my breath stink, was my game off, what did I do?! Here are three reasons that may have played a part:

Reason #1) Expectations: Listen, having expectations is totally normal. I have expectations about everything in my life: I expect my hair to always look good, I expect my outfits to always make me look like a model, I expect to be a millionaire and I expect to be liked when I like someone. Does all of this sound rational? Perhaps not. Here is the thing about having high expectations…they are YOUR expectations. No one is making you feel anything. You have to own the fact that these expectations are your own and you are choosing to project them onto someone else.

You are not a princess, he is not a prince. You do not live in a castle. You are not friends with talking animals that help brush your hair in the morning. Expecting to find Mr or Mrs Right after date one may be a stretch, and expecting to have someone come into your life and all of a sudden make everything rainbows and roses is not fair to the person you’re on the date with. Expect to be treated with respect, expect to be appreciated for who you are, and expect to have a good time. Do not expect to be rescued, salvaged, saved, or given a tiara because it’s not going to happen. And, you don’t need it to! You are beautiful, smart, amazing and should have enough love for yourself that you don’t need to be rescued, but instead want to share your love with someone who deserves it. Crown your own self.

Reason #2) You Were Not Authentic: Being ourselves, and I mean our true selves can at times be scary. Here is what I mean by that…I am a total nerd, I watch a lot of Family Guy, Scooby Doo and The Regular Show. I unabashedly love cartoons, and 80’s music, especially Hall & Oats. Watching vintage films makes me happy, and so does riding my beach cruiser that I spray painted pink and covered with sparkles. These are just a few of the things that make me who I am and they can be just a tad embarrassing to reveal about yourself on a first date.

I know absolutely nothing about football nor do I care to know anything about it, but how many of us have pretended to be into it because the person we like is? We have all been there and why? Why pretend to be interested in something to please someone else? Then what happens is you come across as a liar because you will definitely be questioned about the subject you just pretended to be knowledgeable in and you will try to BS your way through an answer or have to lie to cover up for the fact that you lied initially!

The key to being yourself is not to be afraid to be yourself. On my next date if a guy asks me what I like to do I will let him know I am a writer, actress, avid reader…and I love cartoons, own a pink sparkly beach cruiser and listen to a lot of Hall & Oats. If he doesn’t like me for those reasons then he has to go. Be you, no matter what because in the end that is who this man (or woman) will have to love. Continue reading →

Guys: 10 Things Women Don’t Want You to Do

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Guys_ Here are 10 Things
I previously wrote a list of 10 Things Not to Do in Front of Your Man and it has been my most popular blog post to date, so why not let the fellas know exactly what we don’t want to see them do right?! In actuality men have it pretty easy when it comes to so-called “bad behavior” because most of it is written off as just boys being boys i.e. burping, farting, sex jokes etc…and most of the times it may bother us but we really want to seem like the cool girlfriend or wife that doesn’t nag their man to stop doing whatever the hell it is that grosses us out. So, I’ll say it for you…I don’t care if your man hates me for it because there were some ladies that hated me for calling out our behavior on my previous list!

1) Commenting on our friends, sisters, cousins, co-workers looks: This can either go horribly wrong or kind of right. For example: “Your mom is so beautiful you look just like her.” and then there is, “Yeah…your sister’s boobs are bigger than yours, but all I need is a handful.” (No this is not a made up example either, but I digress.) Look, its not like we expect you to not look at, desire or feel attracted to anyone else, but hearing how fine/hot/beautiful/pretty you think our best friend/sister/co-worker is, is not on our list of things we want to hear.

Why? They are to close to home and to close to you. This is a scenario we see constantly played out in movies, television dramas and Maury Povich, so the last thing we want to equate with you is getting a phone call from Maury’s producer. Thinking someone is beautiful does not mean you are going to cheat on us with them either, but would you want us telling you how sexy we think your brother is? Didn’t think so.

2) Trying to solve all of our problems for us: Guys we understand you are natural problem solvers but when we are venting about our co-worker Tanya (listen I don’t care how mature you are, we all have that one co-worker that just irks the hell out of us). For example, “Tanya flirts with everyone and it pisses me off! I’m sure she’s sleeping with our boss because she wouldn’t have gotten that raise otherwise!” Pause right here.

What are you supposed to say to that? Should you try and solve this dilemma for her? Are you supposed to agree that Tanya is a slut? Do you tell your girl she may be reacting a bit over-the-top? No to everything! Just listen and please don’t try and come up with a plan of action unless we ask. We have been dealing with Tanya for a long time now and know what we need to do, but we can’t talk about her with anyone at work so we at times need to vent about it to you. Please put the whiteboard, markers, and note cards away…we got this.
3) Texting/DM/Instant Messaging pics of your wiener: Let’s just be clear about this one okay guys. The days of being fascinated by how your wiener looks left when we started having sex. We know what it looks like and do not need to have it saved in our phones memory, e-mail database, or IM screen. There is nothing wrong with sexting and building up the anticipation of a night of amazing sex, and a few naughty texts are always great, but the constant influx of pics of you standing in the bathroom mirror naked with the toilet behind you in the background is starting to get old. If you must, one is enough…trust me. I always say that if a man really wants to turn me on he should text the following: When I get home I am going to pick you up, throw you on the bed, grab the…vacuum and clean the carpet. If you did this, I’d be home, naked, and waiting.

4) Using the bathroom in front of us/leaving the bathroom door open: I also wrote about this for us ladies so stop rolling your eyes guys. There is a comfort factor that settles in between couples and a little bit of the shall we say “mystery” dies. I know, I know, you guys are men and in essence go to the bathroom in front of other men all the time right? So what’s the big deal? Let me clarify what I mean by using the bathroom in man terms…taking a dump. There I said it, it’s out there.

Close the damn door, do not talk to me through the door, do not tell me about the size of your crap, do not comment on the smell of it, but do be a gentlemen and give me a quick, non-descriptive warning me before I go in after you. Let me also state that taking in a book, magazine, laptop, guitar, cell phone or whatever prop you need is also your prerogative, but don’t you ever in hell bring it out, and hand it to me, without wiping it down with a sanitizing wipe or spraying it with Lysol. That is all.

5) Scratching your balls and/or sitting in front of the TV with your hand down your pants: Okay Al Bundy, you sitting in front of the television with your hand down your pants is not sexy. You scratching your balls mid conversation at the mall is not sexy. You adjusting your balls while walking in the grocery store is…not…sexy. We get it sometimes your balls land in an awkward place and need to be shifted, but can you be a bit more discreet about it, or excuse yourself when you do it, or just say excuse me when you do it in front of us? Not to mention that your balls can also get very sweaty, so when you’re sitting in front of the TV or computer with your hands down your pants we know you’re either jacking off or adjusting said sweaty balls. In any case you need to be more aware of others around you, wash your hands, and while your at it wash your balls. Continue reading →

How I Learned to Stop Chasing Relationships

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 How I Learned to Stop Chasing Relationships
 In the fourth grade I told Ryan that I liked him…Oh man you guys should have seen him, he was a total cutie pie with blondish brown hair and blue eyes. He liked my friend Summer, but I didn’t care I liked him. And he rejected me. This actually made me like him even more. I also tried to be more like Summer because a few of the boys liked her, and I figured I’d get their attention by changing myself to be who they want. This is how the vicious cycle of chasing men and relationships began…Let’s just dedicate this post to Ryan shall we?

By the time I reached junior high things had sort of shifted for me. The boy in school that literally every girl liked…liked me! I really, really, thought I was special because he asked me to be his girlfriend. And yes this made all of the girls hate me, but who cares, I had the most popular guy in the eighth grade as my boyfriend, and I can care less what they thought. One day my eighth grade Adonis came up to me and told me that he didn’t think I looked pretty that day. His words were to the effect of, “I don’t understand how you can look so pretty one day and so….the next…so ugly.”

Yup. After that I made sure I washed my face and brushed my teeth each morning with a vigor I never had before. I had to always have perfect hair and make sure my uniform looked pristine because that would keep his attention on me. None of this worked of course as he later dumped me for a girl who put out…damn me and my eighth grade morals.

 In high school I chased the guys that made it clear they did not want a relationship, but I honestly had no idea I was chasing them. If I liked someone and they did not like me I would do or say things to get their attention. Shawn was a prime example of that. I never went on dates or had even been asked to a dance (cue the violins) until around eleventh grade…this is when my cute factor finally decided to show up in my life, but I digress.
Shawn always acted like he liked me and would call me (this was of course before texting and we all had pagers at this time) and play my favorite songs for me over the phone. Needless to say I fell completely in love. Well, Shawn was a total douchebag that was calling and playing songs for a few girls, but nevertheless I pursued him. He would at times give me no attention, so of course I gave him all of mine.

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Sometimes, Rejection is a Good Thing

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 When I like a guy I expect him to like me back. I expect him to think my sarcasm and witty banter is well…the funniest material he has ever heard. I expect him to love my curly hair and huge smile. Oh and he of course will think my body minus the six-pack abs is totally perfect. What if everyone we liked liked us back? If our expectations were actually met and we never had unrequited love? Rejection happens to everyone every single day whether it be from a cute guy, woman, new job prospect or acting audition. But, is every rejection necessarily a bad thing?
 
Once in a club, yes okay I was at a club in San Diego a few years ago…judge me all you want. Anyway, at this club I was celebrating my birthday and dancing my little heart out. I had on a cute skirt and tank top, with killer heels that matched perfectly…I was looking good you guys. There was this guy that I had been trying to get to notice me so I just so happened to scoot close and closer to him on the dance floor.  I did my best to look like I could care less about his existence, on the inside I was hoping he’d notice mine.
Then something that often happens on the dance floor happened: A crazy drunk chick showed up and ruined my moment! Then somehow I got bumped into him and drunk girl made some slurred and unrecognizable sounds which led him to look at me, and try and commence to a few words of small talk and promptly turn back around to his friends. Ummmm…yup…Rejected. And when I say I looked cute I’m telling you I looked C-U-T-E. Damn.
 
Last weekend I met up with a friend for drinks and she was enamored with the bartender. She kept telling me how much she liked him and that she came to this bar almost every week, and he would sometimes give her free drinks…she’d give him huge tips etc…etc. So, I asked her has this “relationship” gone past bartender-customer status, and she said no. In fact she knew nothing about him but his name and the across the bar flirting she experienced with him…according to her. Well, me being me I went right up to the bar, called him over and asked him if he had a girlfriend because my friend was interested (I had her permission to ask so she wasn’t ambushed). He said,”Yes.” Rejected. 

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How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship

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How To Fight Fair in Your Relationship

No matter how long you have been dating, married or even just friends with someone, it is inevitable that you are going to have a fight. Honestly, fighting sucks…it makes me uncomfortable and I actually have a physical reaction to it! My stomach starts turning, I break out in the stress sweat, I’m angry, sad, and have a weird desire to win.Win what exactly I have no idea but arguing with your significant other can end either really badly and you break up, with either one of you in tears, with both of you angry at each other or hopefully with these tips being able to work things out…

1) Never say Never: When you’re in the midst of an argument and notice that all your arguing is going nowhere it is easy to start with the “feel sorry for me” references as I like to refer to them. This includes sentences that begin with, “You never…”. Arguing with the words, ‘You never’ is NEVER a good way to go! When you start your statement with that sentence it will always put your mate on the immediate defense. Not only are you telling them they never do something, you are making them feel bad about the way you feel. Your feelings are completely your own. No one makes you feel anything.

The way you feel might be a result of someones actions, but the way you choose to interpret their actions is your decision and so are the feelings you are experiencing. Own your feelings and make their actions known by saying, “I feel…” instead of “You never…” In doing this you not only take ownership of how you are feeling but you are also not putting the responsibility of your feelings onto someone else. Example: “I feel upset/insecure/lonely when you spend the majority of your free time with your friends instead of me.” Instead of: “You never spend time with me!” See the difference?

2) Get Over the Past: This one is a huge issue for all of us right? Every time you become angry at your significant other all of the past arguments or instances resurface in your mind. Like right now after reading that sentence, you’re thinking of some of the things that he/she has done in the past to piss you off! If your boo has done something wrong in your relationship and you chose to stay in your relationship, then you have to let it go. What I mean by “it” is the anger, hurt and blame.  Continue reading →

4 Years Single, 3 Lessons Learned

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4yrs3lessons
It’s been 4 years since my last relationship…As you all know and have read I have dated in this time but nothing to serious. I have lived alone for the past three years and I feel this more then anything else, has taught me more about myself then ever before. There are all these reasons that every dating guru, therapist and friend will give you for being a happy single gal, so I know I don’t need to give you all another rundown of that list. What I will tell you is what I have learned from this four year period about love, and myself:
I like my stuff the way it is: My closet is organized by item and color. Pants, shirts, dresses, etc. are all grouped together and in color groups from light to dark. My drawers are also obscenely organized and so are my cleaning products. Yup folks I organize my cleaning products, towels, and hair products…judge me all you want, but it’s my thing. And here is the thing about this being my thing…incorporating someone else into my space, and into my thing takes a lot of work. For the past four years that is work I have not been willing to participate in, which has taught me the fine art of compromise. I’ve always thought I was so good at this and willing to do this in relationships, but it was to keep my partner happy not myself. Compromise should be about both of you and not be one-sided. The past four years I have been very one-sided.
I crave quiet time: I grew up with my sister, brother and my parents. I shared a room with my sister my entire life, then had a college roommates, moved back home, got my own place, met my ex and almost immediately moved in with him, moved back home (post break-up), and moved back out again. I got tired just writing all of that! Anyway, outside of the ten months I spent in my first apartment, the past three years have been just me, myself and I…and it felt amazing. And actually it still does! I write, I read, I do pretty much everything in a quiet and calm existence. While I do adore my quiet life, what I had built up is a pretty big wall around myself. This wall is what I have been breaking down for the past six months. No reason why the future love of my life should have to carry around a rope and try to climb over my wall of protection MacGyver style.

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10 Things Not to Do In Front Of Your Man

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  Women 10 Things Post

When we are in relationships we love to share everything with our boo, but sometimes ladies, we share way to damn much. You all know I am a huge feminist, and am very tongue-in-cheek, so I may get some slack for this list but here it is anyway. And before you get all crazy on me, there is a list for the guys as well. Read, laugh, share and enjoy!

10 Things Not to Do In Front of You Man or Significant Other:

1) Showing him your Spanx: Spanx for those who are unaware are extremely tight, restricting, and binding undergarments that make you look like a mummy underneath your dress, and suck in all your fat, push up your boobs, and flatten your tummy. We all have them in some form or another so let’s just keep that to ourselves and not reveal that we have bound our thighs in fabric so tight we have to walk at a slight angle.

It’s an amazing secret we have! He doesn’t need to know that your amazing cleavage is being supported by two little people under your breasts holding them up at perfect peaks. And is it that important that he think you really did 1,000 sit-ups to get your tummy so tight? No, because guess what you look hot as hell in that dress, and it makes you feel good, and every actress in America wears them, so like I said let’s just keep it to ourselves ladies.   

 2) Burp or Fart: Here’s the thing about burping and farting…it’s as we all know a natural way for our body to expel some of the air that’s inside of it right? Once my brother burped a really foul smelling burp and blew it in my face. Ugh, just typing this brings the flashback in my mind and I sware I can smell that corn-nut/soda/stanky ass smell as I type, but I digress. He laughed and so did his immature friends, and I of course wanted to kick him in the nuts, but I digress again. That’s the thing about burping and farting, boys think they are hilarious when other boys do them. It’s like their guy call or something, how they choose to bond while playing playstation, or drinking beers and watching football.

My point is burp and fart, just not on the first date! Let’s give it a while!  If you’re in a situation where you absolutely have to burp or fart use this method: You burp while “coughing” or fart while walking so as least it goes into a crowd and doesn’t linger behind you like a huge stank arrow pointing at your tight butt in your Spanx. And if you just have to do it, go for it…hell start a burping/farting competition if it works for you! 

3) Say the following: “Am I fat?”, “I feel so fat today.”, “I can’t eat that, I’m too fat.”, “Does this dress make me look fat?”: These type of sentences make men cringe. Sometimes out of comfort we ladies (and men) will put on a few pounds in our relationship right? It happens, so get up and go look in the mirror…see any extra fat that wasn’t there previously? Get yourself to the gym or accept yourself the way you are. Whatever the choice, do not complain about it. No one wants to hear about how fat you think you are, especially your man because guess what? He loves you as you are. And if he doesn’t tell him bye bye.  Continue reading →