Listening to Your Friends Can Keep You Single

friends

If I read one more tweet about how relationships are supposed to be easy, or how if a man really loves you he’ll never make you cry, or that arguing leads to the demise of a relationship I am going to lose it! Seriously who the hell came up with these naive and dare I say idiotic rules for relationships? I know who did…your friends, and their friends, and their friends, and so on. Yes, that’s right listening to our friends-or strangers who we call friends on Twitter or Facebook-can literally lead to you being dumped, cheated on, forgotten about, or avoided by the one you adore

Think about this…how often do we look to others for advice or direction on what to do in our relationships? How many times have you called up your girlfriends to tell them what your boyfriend did? And ladies we are not the only guilty parties in the bad advice pyramid scheme…Men are just as bad! And yes I referred to bad relationship advice as a pyramid scheme, because to me, it is!

Here is how the pyramid developed: There was this one man or woman who decided they had all the answers, so they went to their friends and told them all of the “answers” to life, which evolved into those answer loving recipients to continue spreading out the answers to life all over town, which eventually ended up being told to your mom or dad, who told them to your big brother or sister, who told them to you, and you tell them to your friends. See…see how easy it is to ride down the slippery pyramid scheme slope?

I am just as guilty of this as well. I remember going to someone for advice on every little aspect of my relationship with the Baseball Player. He and I fell for each other quick and hard. And instead of admitting that to one another, I discussed us with my advice giver, and he discussed us with his best friend who I’ll refer to as The Weasel. Oh yeah I said it…he was a weasel. Anyway the weasel had just gone through a bad break-up and the Baseball Player and I were doing so well that he had a typical case of jealousy and did everything in his power to tear us apart.  Continue reading

My Live-In boyfriend Dumped Me Over Text

dumped     
Relationships are hard. Relationships are amazing. Relationships are work. Relationships are beautiful. And relationships can be brutal. There seems to always be one person in the relationship who holds the “relationship cards” if you will. Meaning that they give less emotionally which in turn leaves them holding your emotional cards in their hands. Because you keep giving and giving to supply the emotional need(s) you are not getting from them. In my last relationship three years ago I dated a guy I’ll refer to as D…short for Douchebag.


D and I met at a time where I just began to exert my feminism and independence with confidence in my life. I had just moved into my first apartment-by myself-and returned to school. I felt amazing, beautiful, smart and accomplished. I also had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship or need to meet someone new, and I meet this D a few weeks later. Yes, weeks…four weeks to be exact.

I was not attracted to him physically, but after our first phone conversation, which can I just add, lasted four hours…I figured saying yes to him asking me out would not hurt. He told me he was part French and could help me with my French as I was studying the language in hopes of taking a backpacking trip there. He also liked the same type of music I liked, and was eager to explore LA, and try foods from all of the restaurants I told him I loved. 
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Let’s Talk About Sex: What Women Want

 

what-women-want

Let’s Talk About Sex: You know that moment when you’re making out, touching, kissing, and that amazing feeling of warmth travels through your entire body? This is it…the moment you know you are going to have sex, and you cannot wait to pull out all of your best moves on us right fellas? And we want these moves because we have thought about this moment with you since the day we met you. Oh yes women think about sex just as much as you do and we know within the first ten, hell I’m being nice, more like 5 minutes whether or not we are going to ever have sex with you. So you’ve clearly made it past the first ten minutes, or ten dates and now here it is, the moment we both have wanted since we first met…and then…this happens:

We are minutes into our pre-sex make out session and touching each other all over, and this is usually a clear signal for you to touch us in our most intimate spot. Women love this, we love to be caressed and teased, which turns us on and makes us want you even more then we already do.

So…why the hell do you get down there and start banging the hell out of our vagina like we are your PlayStation’s remote controller? This is not Madden 13 and you are not Peyton Manning dude. Calm the hell down and stop touching us with the force you use to control your favorite video game character. And I am not exaggerating here when I say some of you need to truly learn the Art of Touch. As one of my girls put in: “He fingers you like, well, like a man, so you don’t like it (or him when he does it). Boo.” (Thanks Skye) Think of our vagina and especially our clitoris as a soft kitten, a baby kitten that needs to be touched, caressed and shown care.

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For a While, I Was a Side Chick

   sidechick


Okay here it is the biggest dating mistake I have ever made: I cheated…well I helped someone cheat, I mean…alright I dated a guy who had a girlfriend. I know what you’re thinking, that I am horrible and I have to say at the time I thought I was special, different, and that he and I would ride off into the sunset together. I was naive thinking that I was who he really wanted to be with and that when the time was right-for him-he would break things off with her and we would live happily ever after. Ridiculous I know and while I am not at all proud of what I did the experience taught me so much about myself.

In this toxic situation I allowed myself to get into I realized one day that I completely put all of his needs before mine. I honestly believed he cared about me, and dare I say loved me, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. See, right there that’s the mistake I and most women make. We think we are going to change him as though we are a magical entity that will all of a sudden change his entire mindset because he has experienced us. That was a huge mistake and taught me that no matter what you cannot change a man, or believe a man will magically fall in love with you because YOU want him to.

Another mistake I made is believing that he and I had a special connection or friendship that I invested my emotions in. When I did that I allowed things to be said and done that I would not have put up with in any normal dating circumstance.

Why was I allowing myself to be used in the name of “friendship”? And more importantly why did I convince myself that this “friendship” was making me happy? I easily allowed myself to be manipulated and since he was so good at it I convinced myself that this was not manipulation, and that this situation would actually change for the better. This was me in fact settling. 
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My Date with the Jokester Part II

     

 I tried….I really did, but Mr. I think I’m a comedian, lost me, and it only took one date and a few text conversations later to do so. So how in fact did Mr. Comedian lose me in just one date? Here’s how:
     1) Showing up a half hour late and not calling or texting to tell me: Mr. Comedian is the first guy since high school to show up so late for a date, but here’s the difference. In high school cell phones were just gaining popularity-well for my generation anyway-and we still used pagers. Now in 2012 the age of the cell phone, there is literally NO excuse for not calling or at least texting a woman to tell her you’ll be late for a date…especially your first one!

     2) Using the date as a one-man show performance: Mr. Comedian did exactly that! Placing the spotlight completely on himself in a very obnoxious way by turning every topic, or situation into a joke. As I said in my earlier post I love to laugh and be with a man who is funny, but when everything is a joke, or being made fun of how do I know when to ever take you seriously? And can we just turn it down a tad bit on the first date please?

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My Date with the Jokester

     

My date thinks he’s a comedian. At least that’s how he acted. I felt as though I was his personal audience of one, and I did not know how to react to the perpetual spotlight he seemed to have carried around with him, along with his mic of course. The thing is we have had many phone and-of course in this day and age-text conversations and while he throws in jokes here and there, they are actually funny. What can I say he gives good phone! 

When we were out I expected to get to know the real him…no I actually hoped to get to the root of him, you know the meat, the insides, and see what was underneath the joking exterior layer he has presented to me since I met him over two months ago.

With this expectation in mind I agreed to our first date Friday night. We went the usual route and had dinner at my favorite Italian eatery (Al Fornaio) if you have not tried it, I suggest you do so immediately, but I digress. And followed dinner with a PinkBerry run and a movie. Pretty normal date activity, but there was something off, something that I could not quite understand about my date. He showed up late and did not call or text to say he’d be late.  


Honestly, I was not ready at our decided time, so I did not mind him being late, but it would have been nice if he would have acknowledged he was late, and at least apologized for it. Instead he made a joke about it. That was Joke #1. When he saw me he stated something to the effect like, “Oh I didn’t know this date was so formal…look at you all fancy!” That was Joke #2. Here’s my question…why not just say, “You look great.” Instead of making it into some weird self conscious thing? 

In the car on the way to the restaurant he continued with the jokes about helicopters and jogging suits and any other random thing he could think of interjecting into the conversation…we’ll just label those Jokes #4-#10 for the sake of this post. At the restaurant he seemed to have let his spotlight dim a bit, which I was very happy about, and we had conversation about all the regular first date subjects you tackle.
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Feels Like the First Time

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 Chemistry is an essential ingredient in all relationships, but if you do not have sexual chemistry can the relationship last? Whenever you meet someone new, there are a lot of firsts that you have with that person. The first date, the first all night conversation, the first kiss, etc…
Which brings me to an awkward moment many of us have had; The first time you have sex with someone new. Here’s the thing, first time sex can be so amazing, but it can also take a very weird and not so amazing turn. Mistakes can be made that either make you run away, or make you want to improve every other time from that point on!

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Let’s Wait a While

    

Sex is a huge factor in most relationships, and most times we end up having sex with people we are not in relationships with. While I am in no way passing judgment on those who do I am explaining why I have taken that option off of my table. There is something to be said for two adults who actually take the time to get to know each other without the complications of sex clouding their judgment.

 

Often (women especially) have sex with a man in the very early stages of dating, whether that be the first or third date, and wonder why one month later he has disappeared…or moved onto someone else. It’s not about making him wait, or testing him to see how patient he will be. It is about getting to know someone for who they truly are and deciding this person is who you want to be in an exclusive relationship with.
There are plenty of women and men who can separate emotion from sex, and to get caught up in the rush of endorphins and clouded judgments that make you believe they’re the one when in fact they are not. I am not one of those people. I dated someone a few months ago for about a month and he wanted to take things to the next level.  I explained that I was not ready as he was dating other people and, felt it was not safe, nor a good idea at the time.
Cut to one week later when he disappears and three weeks later texts me with a pathetic excuse for his absence. Had I slept with him my heart would have been broken, and I would have felt like a fool. Luckily he did not get that piece of my emotion, heart, and soul because I chose to not give it away too soon. Now into my thirties, I have finally figured out what I want and it’s not a fling, but a committed relationship, and until I truly get to know someone and vice versa, there are lots of diners that I will allow to sit at my table, but only that special one will have dessert.

Twitter: @AwkwardGirlLA

The Cable Guy Called Me Out on My Dating Issues

     cable-guy

The cable guy told me I had commitment issues: I recently canceled my incredibly high priced cable subscription in an effort to save money and focus on my business more and t.v. less. Cable guy #1 tried to get me not to cancel and sell me on how I’d be missing out on “so much” because I no longer had cable. To which I explained there was absolutely nothing he could say to prevent me from canceling and saving money.
I then called two other cable companies to compare packages for future reference, and that’s when it happened. I had a philosophical conversation about my issues with Cable guy #2.
After selling me on a new cable package he had me fishing out my credit card from my wallet when he dropped a huge bomb on me: I’d have to sign a two-year contract to get the specials he was offering! That’s when he lost me. I freaked out-literally. I could feel my heart racing as I held the phone and my credit card immediately went back into my wallet.

Dear New Guy

new-guy     
Recently my good friend got engaged and when your friends lives start to change it inevitably makes you think about yours. Over the summer I made a pact with my friends to stop running from commitment, and date outside of my “usual” box. Enter, the new guy, who I met at the end of the summer and have been dating for a month now.
There is something about dating someone new, it feels great, you think about them all the time, and you instantly feel amazing every time they are around you. I on the other hand feel none of these things! 

See previous posts regarding my commitment issues lol…When I date someone new I go into panic mode and instantly fear all of the new feelings I feel, and try and push them far, far, away. And this is the behavior I have vowed to change!
When you hit a certain age-as I am now checking the 30 & over box on my health forms-you begin to reevaluate all of the decisions you have previously made, and wonder how those decisions have shaped your life making you into the person your are today. With that being said there is a lot I’d like to say to the new guy, but still haven’t conquered the fear that keeps me from saying them. Maybe I should warn the new guy about all my quirks, and give him a chance to run away, or is it giving myself a chance to run like hell like the old me would do.
    
     Dear New Guy,
 I like you so much that it scares the hell out of me. You are an amazing person, and make all the fears I have about being committed to someone disappear. At times I am neurotic, insecure, and afraid to verbalize how I feel. Most times I am strong and confident, but when it comes to love I still have a lot to learn. There will be times when I try to push you away by over analyzing everything you do, but know that this will change in time…New guy, whether we make it or not, just knowing you has already made my life better. 

That Time He Mailed Me My Underwear

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 Confession time: I push people away, I find a fault or create one and use that as an excuse to run away from whoever I am dating at the time. I haven’t always been this way…or maybe I have, but I am really trying to change my ways. There was one person in particular-I will refer to him as Mr. J-yes that moniker is completely unoriginal, but I am 98% sure he does not read my posts so using that lame moniker is totally okay in this instance.

I met Mr. J last fall and it took me no time to like him as a friend. He was the most confident, self-assured, smart, creative, laid back guy I had met in a long time. We talked until the next morning the first time we had a phone conversation and did the same on our first date. He was not the usual type I date, which made him even more interesting.
I pushed him away from the start, and convinced myself that I did not like him and only wanted him as a friend. Then something happened and I began to really like him…that’s where all the trouble started. In fact that’s where all the trouble usually starts for me.

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The Business of Marriage

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 My parents have been married for 36 years. Just writing that sentence is amazing! But it has not been without their own drama, and times where they felt like giving up and divorcing. But my parents also got married at a time where people had to pick up the telephone and call each other to speak, and cell phones did not exist let alone texting, facebook, myspace, or twitter.
Their generation also had a different mindset, which was that you grow up get a job, get married, and have kids, and in that order. Now you don’t really have to grow up, and can have kids while you’re still a kid and get a reality show out of it, and don’t necessarily have to work a 9-5 to have a career.  I still find myself having the same conversation with all of my friends, and inevitably the question is always asked…Is marriage worth it?

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Not Every Woman is Desperate for a Boyfriend

boyfriend  
 My friends and I have come across an epidemic lately: Men who believe that we are desperate to have them as our boyfriends. Listen I am not bashing love or being in love, I am all for love, and think that when you find someone amazing you should not pass them by. As of recent events in my life I have come to find that there is a way of thinking when it comes to women and what they want from men.
 PSA: Guys not every woman is desperate to have you as their man. Just because we are dating does not mean we are secretly planning our future wedding date in our heads. Women like to have fun with no commitments too sometimes, and if we wanted you to be our boyfriend…trust me you’d know. Now that I got that public service announcement out of the way let’s get down to business.

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Throw Away Your Dating Checklist!

 checklist
The “List” we all have one and we use it to measure up a new potential mate we meet. I can distinctly recall my first semester at Los Angeles College and one day in Psychology class the Professor asked for volunteers for an experiment. He called us out of the room one by one and then asked us to return to ask us a series of questions: 
 
Professor, “What do you look for in a mate?” Me, “Ummmm….he has to be nice, and tall, and thin, and have no kids, and have no ex-wife, and have a good job, and be smart.” That was the 22 year old me that adhered to that specific list (which had more must haves on there then I listed in class that day) for many more dating years…until now.

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